I cleared my throat and looked away from him. If I expected to get to know Charlie, then I had to let him know the real me, warts and all.
“I love my mom,” I started. “After the incident, she got overbearing. She insisted I go to see a doctor, and when that didn’t work, she tried to make me go into a hospital. I tried to tell her there was nothing wrong with me, but she wouldn’t listen. One day we got into an argument about it. She said I could get help, that I could benormalagain. When she realized what she’d said, she tried to apologize, but…. The damage was done. I knew then she didn’t see me as Matt anymore, but as someone broken. I started to notice things. Clay looked at me with pity in his eyes. He stopped bringing people over, which was good for me, but I felt like he was resentful toward me. As soon as I hit eighteen and the settlement came through, I contacted my lawyer and authorized him to make the purchase for this land.”
I turned to Charlie, desperate for someone tofinallyunderstand.
“I know she loves me, and I love her, but it was like… I don’t know, we were all trapped in these roles, and there wasn’t a way to get out of them. It got to the point where every time I looked at them, I could see pity in both their eyes, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Clay gets mad because I don’t call, but every time I do, the conversation goes the same: ‘When are you going back to the doctor?’ or ‘I don’t understand why you can’t live in town.’”
“They worry, Matt. They care about you, and they want you back in their lives.”
I opened my mouth to protest, because he didn’t get it, and he held a hand up.
“But I understand why you moved out here. It’s beautiful. Peaceful. Even in a small town, there’s going to be a lot of hustle and bustle. Out here? You can be alone with your thoughts.”
Yes! That was exactly how I felt. The solitude was calming to me. But more than once, I’d found myself wondering what it would be like if I lived closer to town. I’d actually had a dream where Charlie came over and picked me up to take me to a nearby town with a movie theater. We’d sit and watch something inane, each have a soda and popcorn, and he’d hold my hand. No one would give us a second look, and when we walked out of the theater, he’d put his arm around me and hold me close.
“I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to know that this is the God’s honest truth. Yes, Clay and your mother were hoping that I would be able to talk you into coming back to town. I didn’t know about the therapy until you told me. But here’s the thing. Once I got out here, ran the roads, met you, and saw what you’ve accomplished here? I don’t want you to come back to town.”
I gasped and tried to draw away, but Charlie held me tight.
“Listen to me. I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If this is where you’re happiest, then you need to be here, but—and Matt, this is important—if you’ll have me, I want to be here with you. I love it out here. The times I ran, I felt freer than I ever had. It’s why, when I met you, I was hoping you’d see me. And so you know, it’s not just the land that makes me feel free.”
He leaned closer and kissed my forehead.
“I love you, Matt.”
My chest constricted and I could scarcely breathe. What would I do if I woke up and realized it was a dream? I’d known how I felt about Charlie since he was in the hospital. It was what got my ass out of the house and into town to see him. The thought caused my stomach to flutter. Charlie had been all over the United States doing book tours. He had wanted his ex to go with him, but his ex wouldn’t. That had caused problems in their relationship. And while I would never cheat on Charlie, would he be disappointed that I couldn’t go?
I looked up into his eyes, and they twinkled in the light.
“What are you thinking?”
“Would you ask me to go with you on book tours?”
He smiled. “Sweetheart, anywhere I go, you would be welcome at my side. Don’t think that means you have to. I’m serious. If you’re comfortable here, if you feel safe, then you should be here. I will always come home to you. And, if you think that my being away would be problematic, then I simply won’t go. Tours are only to promote the books, and if I’m honest, I don’t really care much for the travel that comes with them. If I’m going to go somewhere, I want it to be a place I’d like to visit with someone special.”
I scanned his face, trying to see if he was being completely honest. I couldn’t see anything that told me he wasn’t.
“I want to go with you,” I whispered. “I love it here, but….” How could I tell him what was in my heart? He was the writer. I didn’t have the words for it. “I realized that it’s just a place to be. It wasn’t a home until you came along. You gave it warmth—no, you gavemewarmth. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid. And having you here? I realized that my collection wasn’t the only thing that gave me inner peace. You did that too.”
His chest puffed up a little. “What are you saying?”
I bit my lip. God, I wished I was better at talking. “I love you. I want to be with you, but I can’t ask you to give up your life like that.”
“Hey, it would be my—”
“No,” I said flatly, dipping my chin. “You might think that it sounds good now, but trust me, I’ve been here more than a decade. It’s beautiful, but I never realized it was lonely too. I’m tired of being alone. Of being afraid.” I snuggled in closer to him, loving the warmth from his body. “Where is the most exciting place you’ve ever been?”
“Right here, right now” came the husky answer. “That’s what you don’t get. There is nowhere in the world I’ve been that is better than where we are right now. I could live here with you happily for the rest of my life. We don’t need to change a thing. Well, maybe the sheets once in a while.”
I knew he was trying to defuse the situation with humor, but I didn’t need that anymore. What I wanted was Charlie. Always Charlie. But was I trading one problem for another? What if he left me? Would I be able to survive it?
“Matt?”
“Yes?” I met his gaze, and he kissed me until I grew light-headed. When he pulled back, I glared at him. “Why did you do that?”
“Because you wanted me to. You’re imagining all the worst-case scenarios. Thinking about every conceivable problem. Am I saying it’s going to be easy? No. I know better. But do I think it will be worth it to try? Absolutely. See, your brother may have nudged me in your direction, but you kept me here. Your smile, your charm, your wit. Everything about you calls to me.”
“Are you sure you’re not just in love with being in love again?”
