CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“OKAY, WHEREto start…,” Charlie said. “Mitch and I had been together for maybe six months. In retrospect, what I thought had been smooth sailing probably really wasn’t. We argued quite often. Mitch liked stuff, and not the cheap kind of things either. He would fawn over something he saw, and I, like an idiot, would buy it for him. I thought that was what it meant to be in love.”
Charlie wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close. I looked out at the yard. Heavy clouds covered the moon, but every so often, it would peek out and the ground would be alight in gleaming snowflakes. I sighed and sank into his warmth.
“We were never really compatible—I know that now. Mitch always expected to top, and I allowed it because I didn’t mind bottoming at all. But once in a while, I thought it would be nice if we switched it up. I figured if he loved me as much as he claimed, we could at least try it. Mitch would be furious that I’d even think I could top him. I always backed down because it wasn’t worth arguing about it. At least that’s what I thought at the time.
“Anyway, I got it into my head that if I asked him to marry me, it would solve all of our problems and we’d find our happy ever after. When I came home and found him in bed with someone else, I realized that if I wanted to make a relationship work, it would have to be with someone who wanted the same things I did. Something we could both work toward. That man is you, Matt.”
My head was spinning. I couldn’t understand what this had to do with my failure to pleasure him as he had done me.
“I can see your confusion,” he said, reaching up and stroking his fingers through my hair. “What I’m trying to say is, even if we never have sex, if all we can ever do is what we’ve already done, or even if we can’t continue doing that, there is so much more between us than physical intimacy. Do you get what I’m trying to say?”
I thought I did, so I nodded.
“Good,” he said, once again kissing my head. It was an affection I had grown to enjoy. “Sex is great, but it’s not the be-all of life. Things like this—sitting on the porch, watching the moon, holding you—those are the important things I want to have every day. Everything else we do, no matter what it is, is simply frosting on the cake.”
He laid it out for me. He didn’t care about sex; he just wanted me. I could feel tears on my cheeks and cursed myself for it. For the past thirteen years, unless I woke from a nightmare, or got to the sad part inMy Side of the Mountain, I rarely cried. Since meeting Charlie, it seemed to be a common occurrence.
“I wanna try again,” I said, my voice scratchy.
“One day at a time, babe.”
“No,” I said as I shook my head. I knew if I didn’t make the effort now, I might never be able to do it.
“Matt—”
“I said no.” I slid away from him a bit so I could look him in the eye. “You don’t know what it’s like, living your life in fear. Haunted by the reminder of what’s keeping you from experiencing things you’ve dreamed of. I do. Every day I’m reminded that I’m not, as my mother said,normal. I want the things other people experience. Love—both emotional and physical—family, making a life. I get what you’re trying to tell me, but what you don’t understand is that for me, that’s only a half life. I need this, because without it, I’m going to always be afraid.”
Charlie nodded. “Okay, how about this? We talk to your doctor, and if you decide you want to continue therapy, then we can look at it again?”
He was doing his best to give me an out, and I knew it, but I didn’t want it. I had to prove to Charlie and to myself that I could do this.
“Come back in the house,” I said, standing.
“Matt—”
“Now, please.”
He didn’t seem as enthused as I had hoped, but he did stand and allowed me to guide him back inside.
“Stand there for a minute,” I told him, as I knelt and pulled down his pants and underwear. His cock hung limp, and when I gazed up at him, I only saw worry in his eyes.
“Matt, you don’t need to prove anything. Please, let’s just talk a while longer.”
It wasn’t easy to ignore his plaintive voice, but I did.
“Sit down,” I said quietly.
Charlie sat and put a hand on my shoulder. I swallowed hard, reached out, and touched his dick with my fingertips. The warmth of it surprised me; I have no idea why. It began to puff up. It was longer and thicker than mine, with a flared head. I hadn’t seen any but my own, but Charlie’s was damned impressive. I wrapped my hand around it and gave a light squeeze, which caused Charlie to groan.
“You need to stop,” he said but didn’t try to move away.
His shaft began to harden, and I grinned to myself because it was me doing this to Charlie. I actually held him! And what’s more, I enjoyed it.
Charlie’s breathing began getting heavier, and I stroked harder. His head dropped back onto the couch and began to shake side to side. He started to whisper my name over and over, and that encouraged me to double my efforts. When his balls began to tighten up, I figured he might be close, but when he cried out my name and pushed up into my hand, I felt a rush of power and pride. His come coated his shirt, and he lay there, groaning.
“Did I do okay?” I asked, biting my lip.
