Graham is staring, ogling Colton while his back was turned. The submissive blinks and looks away with a frown.
“Hand,” Colton orders, and Graham obeys. Which is an improvement. “Thank you.”
He pours water over the wound, dabs at his knuckles with an alcohol wipe, and Graham sighs as if it feels good. He’s a masochist, so maybe it does. He has no idea how Graham’s submissive designation affects him.
“There you go. Good job,” he says when he’s finished.
Graham clears his throat. Doesn’t take his hand away and Colton is forced to let him go.
“Sorry. I guess I’m not in the best condition. Really tired. But I shouldn’t have lashed out at you.”
“I pity the wall rather than me,” Colton says, content to move past this.
“They’re going to know I’m struggling because of my designation. I hate it. They’re all waiting for that moment to come. They want to wash me out. That’s why we’re here. Separated from everyone else and put here together until I break.”
“This is a lot of men and time if they were just trying to get you to fall apart. I don’t think anyone is special enough to warrant that.”
“You’re saying it’s coincidence?”
“Maybe. Fein is testing the both of us. That’s why I’m here.”
Graham doesn’t respond right away. “Being a submissive is awful. I’ve always pushed back,” Graham says, laughing unhappily. “I, uh, prided myself on not giving in. I could manage with drugs and pain. That felt virtuous and good. Enduring and getting through it on my own. But now it’s just… Well, I guess you know. This might end my career before too much longer,” he says, sounding lost.
“Graham, no.”
“I take longer to bounce back every time. Well, except for when I was with you.”
“Sounds like we should have a conversation?—”
“Ican’t.You have to understand,” Graham says. Then he shakes his head as if he’s trying to clear it.
Graham may as well be in confession. He’s so quiet and hunched in on himself. Gearing up to reveal his failings to be judged like Colton is some kind of god instead of just a guy with a high designation.
“I know I’m notgoodat it, and I’m not what anyone wants. I look and act like a Dom and I’mnot,and… it’s a disaster.I’ma disaster. You made me feel good. Really good. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at you and not be reminded that I wasn’t enough. So I’m sorry but I can’t do another exercise with you. I’m going to tell Fein it didn’t work. I mean, he knows. He wanted this. You to be here. But I don’t. No blame will come to you. You’re a great Dominant, especially considering how young you are, and—” He stops, swallows.
Apparently, he can’t go on.
“It was very hard for me to let you go.” It’s the only thing Colton can offer.
Graham’s breath hitches in his chest. “Please don’t say that if you don’t mean it.”
He’s so fucking vulnerable it makes it hard to not touch him. “Honestly, it breaks my heart to have you struggle. Iwantto help you. I want—” he pauses, wanting to say the right thing because Graham is squirrely and is so obviously torn between saying yes to Colton or running screaming in the opposite direction. How does he get through to Graham when the man’s designation is his own worst enemy?
“I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. I went home and I drank myself into a goddamned stupor after leaving you. I keep waking up and reaching for you. Which is insane, and?—”
Graham grunts, wraps his good hand around his middle. Physically in pain from dropping so fast. “Wanted, huh? Past tense,” Graham says, glancing at Colton and then away.
He’d roll his eyes, but Graham is determinedly not looking at him. How can Graham not realize that Colton wants him? “No, it’s very much a present tense situation.”
Colton steps in close, pulls Graham against him, and breathes him in. He presses a kiss to his forehead as the man curls in on himself.
Graham gives in with a small sound, puts his forehead against Colton’s neck and shivers.
“I’m sorry,” Colton murmurs. “I just… You needed to be held. You’re not well. I’ll let you go as soon as I can.”
Colton feels a nod of agreement, a damp exhale against his throat. “Believe it or not, I was keeping it together until now.”
“And how long was that going to last? What was your plan for the next drop? Would you have contacted me and let me come to you?” That’s the question he’s been desperate to ask.
