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She’d made a mistake with Jamie; she’d got too close, too fast. And she’d run the risk of the same with Liam. But if she left now, right now, she thought she might survive.
If she stayed, if she fell any deeper...she didn’t know if she could make it through losing everything a second time.
‘You can’t know that,’ she said softly. ‘You can’t know it’ll be okay.’
‘I can promise I’ll do everything in my power to make it okay.’ Liam held on to her hands and tried to tug her away from the suitcase, but she resisted. She couldn’t let him get to her now. She’d made her decision. ‘Alice, please. Trust me.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I have to go.’
‘Why?’ She didn’t answer. ‘Because you’re a coward? You’re too scared to stay? Too scared to be happy for once in your miserable life?’
That was better. Anger she knew how to deal with. Bitterness and frustration were her old friends—and far more familiar to her than love and kindness. And they made it so much easier for her to go.
‘So what if I am?’ she spat back. ‘You’ve got no idea what you’re getting yourself into, have you? So we looked after a baby for a couple of weeks. That’s not parenting. That’s babysitting. You’re signing up for a lifetime job—and you can’t build a family or a home just like one of those buildings you design. It’s just a fantasy for you—trying to create everything you never had. It’s not as simple as all that, Liam.’
‘Isn’t it? I think you’re the one making it hard. You’re so scared to trust in something good you’re going to throw everything away.’
‘I’d rather throw it than have it taken! You say the mother wants you to have Jamie. What if she changes her mind? What if the courts say no? What if the father comes forward? There are so many things that can go wrong, Liam. And then what will you do?’
‘I thought I’d at least still have you,’ he said quietly. ‘But apparently I was wrong about that.’
‘Me? What use would you have for me then?’ Because the idea of it being just the two of them, without Jamie there, with no prospect of giving Liam a child of their own... They’d never be able to adopt another child if the state wouldn’t even let them have Jamie. So Liam would grow to hate her, she knew. And she couldn’t live like that again. Couldn’t see hate where she’d once hoped for love.
No, not hoped for. She didn’t need love. Love led to disappointment and pain when it was torn away.
Why would she want that?
‘What use would I have for you? Alice, I lo—’
‘Don’t you say it!’ She cut him off, her voice shrill. ‘Don’t you dare say it. We agreed. We don’t do that. We’re too broken for that.’
‘Well, maybe you mended me. You and Jamie. You made me the man I never even hoped I could be. And if we just stick together—’
‘No. You want me to believe in the power of home, and family and even love? Well, I can’t. That was taken from me four years ago by someone else who said they loved me. And I won’t stay here, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Falling deeper into a life that can be ripped away from me at any minute. I won’t do it, Liam. Not even for Jamie. Not even for you.’
And with that, she threw her bag over her shoulder and walked out.
She’d burned the last of her bridges with Thornwood. It was time to start over. Again.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
‘YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED,’ Heather said, eyeing Liam up and down. ‘Do you want me to take Jamie for a bit so you can go lie down?’
Liam shook his head. ‘He’s no bother. And anyway, I need to work.’
‘You’ve been doing nothing but working and caring for Jamie since—’ Heather broke off, but Liam knew what she wasn’t saying.
Since Alice left.
Nobody mentioned it around the castle—although he was sure they were gossiping about it in the village. How the lord of the manor had been abandoned, left holding the baby—literally.
It had been a full week since she’d left. Long enough for Liam to be sure she had no intention of coming back.
He knew why she’d run, of course. Understood her fear, her desperate need not to be hurt again. But he’d hoped he’d shown her, in the time they’d spent together with Jamie, that she didn’t have to be afraid of that any more. That she could trust him—not just with her secrets, her body, or their child—but with her heart.
But apparently her faith in him didn’t run as deep as his faith in them, in their little family.
That was her choice. Just because she was too scared to live, and to love, that didn’t mean he had to be. And anyway, he had Jamie to think of. He’d give Jamie the perfect home and family he’d promised, no matter how much work it took.
‘There’s a lot that needs doing,’ he said. ‘Plans to be made. Contractors to hire. Planning permission to sort.’ A lot of what he wanted to do was just improving what was already standing at Thornwood, but some jobs would take longer, and need official permission before he could begin. Fortunately there was plenty of other stuff to be getting on with.
‘It’s two days before Christmas,’ Heather pointed out. ‘Everyone you need to speak to is probably off at their office Christmas do, having sex on a photocopier or whatever people who don’t work in castles do.’
He smiled at her. ‘Regretting accepting that promotion?’ With Alice gone, he’d needed someone to oversee all his new plans, and Heather had been the obvious choice. So far it seemed to be working well. Thornwood Castle was now officially known as Thornwood Haven. There wouldn’t be an aristocratic theme park, or go-karting in the woods. And it would never make him any money—but he’d always been good enough at doing that himself anyway.
No, Thornwood Haven would help women and children and families, not just for a while but for good. And that felt right.
‘Never.’ Heather paused in the doorway. ‘You’re doing a good thing here, you know. Rose would be proud of you.’
Liam smiled awkwardly as she turned and left. He hadn’t done it for Rose. He’d done it for Danielle, and for Jamie. And for Alice.
Even if she wasn’t there to see it.
Even if it broke his heart afresh every time he thought of her.
He looked down at Jamie, contentedly watching from his bouncy chair.
‘It’s just you and me now, kid,’ he said. ‘So I guess we’d better get on with it.’
* * *
Alice looked up as the door to the café she was sitting in opened and jumped to her feet as Helene entered. Christmas music blared out of the speakers and the baristas were all wearing festive headbands and Santa hats.
It was Christmas Eve morning, and Alice had never felt less festive—not since the Chr
istmas she’d spent in hospital.
Hard to imagine it was four years ago today that she’d woken up to learn that her world had changed. And once again she was spending Christmas Eve reflecting on everything she had lost—except the list was even longer this year.
‘How are they?’ she asked as the doctor approached her table.
Helene gave a low chuckle. ‘Not missing them at all, then? Let me grab a coffee and I’ll tell you everything.’
Alice dropped back down to her seat, stirring her already cold hot chocolate, and waited. Impatiently.
She’d thought it would be easy to leave everything behind. She’d done it so many times before, after all. What was so different about this time?
Of course, she already knew the answer to that—even if she didn’t want to say the words out loud. That would make it real. That would mean she’d walked out on the only life she’d ever wanted.
And she couldn’t be that stupid. Could she?
‘So, how’re things in the big city?’ Helene asked, slipping into the seat opposite her. ‘Pining for the country yet?’
‘Not the country,’ Alice muttered. ‘Look, just tell me. What’s happening back at Thornwood?’
Helene sighed. ‘You could come home and find out for yourself, you realise.’
Alice shook her head. ‘No, I can’t. Trust me. That bridge is well and truly burned.’
‘Is it?’ Helene raised her eyebrows. ‘Seems to me that there are two boys with a row boat that would be more than happy to help you get back across your hypothetical river.’
Her boys. Liam and Jamie. She hadn’t even let herself think of them as truly hers until after she’d left. But now that was the only way she could see them. ‘How are they?’ she asked again.
‘They’re fine, on the outside,’ Helene said. ‘I can’t speak for their hearts, though. They miss you—anyone can see that. Liam is working a lot on Haven—’
‘Haven?’ Alice asked, frowning.
‘Didn’t he talk to you about it?’ Helene looked surprised. ‘I thought you must have talked him into it. He’s turning Thornwood into a proper centre for the women, children and families of the area. He’s doing up the place to make it work better—a proper canteen and better facilities in the rooms, that sort of thing. And he’s looking at setting up some activities and stuff for summer camps and the like in the grounds.’
