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‘That’s not what I was saying,’ Rosa started.
Jude shook his head. ‘Yes. It is.’
‘No! Jude... I—’
‘Don’t say it.’ If she was even thinking what he thought she was about to say, he couldn’t hear it. He couldn’t risk it. If she told him she loved him, there was no way he could walk away again, not knowing that. He’d give up everything to trail her around the world, and he’d end up resenting her for it.
A shocked laugh bubbled up from somewhere inside him.
‘What’s so funny?’ Rosa asked, scowling.
‘I just realised,’ Jude said. ‘This must be exactly how you felt, three years ago.’ How Sancia felt in Oxford with the professor. How Gareth felt sometimes when Jude kept him safe, back at the hotel instead of out at the party where he wanted to be, blazing bright.
Maybe Rosa was right. Maybe he never could have saved Gareth. But he could decide to save himself from any more heartbreak.
It wasn’t much. But it was what he had left.
‘So you’re punishing me. Is that it?’ Rosa jumped to her feet, her colour high and her eyes blazing. ‘I left you three years ago, so you won’t even consider staying now? I know I hurt you, but, Jude, this is just petty.’
‘Petty! Rosa, you tore my heart out and stamped on it, then breezed back into my life and told me you’d just been ready for something new!’
‘I explained—’ Rosa started, but Jude was in no mood to hear it. All he’d wanted was one last night with Rosa, one perfect memory to say goodbye on.
Instead he got this. Everything he ever wanted on a plate, except he knew it was laced with poison.
‘You explained. Right. But what it came down to was the same thing it will always come down to with you. You value your own freedom, your own choices, above everyone else’s. And that might work for you with the rest of the world. But for the people who love you? It’s horrible.’
The colour faded from Rosa’s face as she stumbled backwards, grabbing a chair for support. ‘What do you mean? Is it so wrong for me to want to pursue my own dreams?’
‘No,’ Jude allowed. ‘But is it wrong of me to want to stay and look for my own?’ New York might not be everything he’d ever dreamed of, but he knew the rules there. He knew he was as safe as it was possible to get, knew he could look himself in the mirror and know he was living out his promise. New York had always been their dream—and Rosa was asking him to give it up.
‘But you’re not!’ Frustration leaked out of Rosa’s voice. ‘You’re doing what the label says you should, or the rest of the band. You’re not making new music, you’re just remaking the old stuff! Living for a memory. Does fame really mean so much to you that you can’t give it up to pursue the music that really makes you come alive again? Like the song you wrote here, for me?’
Did she really not see? Did she really not understand? One look at her face told Jude she didn’t.
‘That wasn’t the music, Rosa. That was you.’
‘What?’
Scrubbing a hand through his hair, Jude sighed. ‘I wrote that song—found the passion and the music—because I found you again. For three years, it didn’t much matter what I wrote or played because you weren’t there to hear it.’
‘Then why didn’t you come after me?’ From the way her eyes widened, and her hand went to her mouth, Rosa was as shocked by her words as he was.
‘How could I? You didn’t tell me where you were going.’
‘And in this day and age, with the Internet and everything, there was absolutely no way you could find out?’ She was right, Jude knew. He could have found her if he’d wanted to.
But he hadn’t.
‘Gareth had just died. Forgive me if—’ But she could always tell when he was lying.
‘That’s not why, is it? Tell me the truth, Jude. We owe each other that much.’
‘I didn’t come after you because I knew I couldn’t take it if you turned me away again. You knew me, Rosa. You knew every depth of me, more than any other person in the world. And you turned your back on it and walked away. No, I didn’t come after you. Because I loved you, and I knew I could never, ever be enough for you.’
‘But you are!’ Rosa surged forward, grabbing his hands to her chest. ‘You are. You’re everything I need. That’s why I’m here, asking you. Come with me! I don’t see what the problem is. We can run together, keep having the same fun we’ve been having here on the island. It doesn’t have to end yet.’
‘Yet.’ That was what it came down to, wasn’t it? With Rosa, there was always a time limit—and only she knew what that might be. And Jude couldn’t live like that.
He’d known, deep down, that Gareth had a time limit, too. That however hard he tried, Gareth lived too hard, too fast, to live for ever, or even to old age. He just hadn’t expected it to be so soon. He’d thought he could buy more time—just as he’d tried to do again on the island with Rosa.
God, he was an idiot. Trying to control time, and other people. Both were equally impossible.
The only thing he could control was himself. He could keep himself safe, even if he couldn’t ever have done the same for Gareth.
Rosa would leave, sooner or later. It was all there in that tiny three-letter word: yet.
Rosa stilled as she finally caught his meaning. ‘Nothing lasts for ever, Jude. Can’t we just enjoy this while it does last?’
Jude shook his head.
‘Why not?’ Rosa slammed her hand down on the counter. ‘Jude, I love you. Whether you want to hear it or not. And right now, I can’t imagine ever loving another person my whole life—I haven’t before, and I can’t see that changing.’
The words pierced him straight through his body. She loved him. This was what he had always wanted.
And he was going to send it away. His choice, this time.
‘So you’d marry me? Promise me for ever? Go with me wherever life took me?’
He didn’t need to hear her answer. He could see it in the fear on her face.
‘Why couldn’t you come wherever I went?’ she asked.
‘Because I won’t give up everything I have when I know that one day—sooner or later—you’ll walk out on me again,’ he said, simply. ‘It almost broke me last time, Rosa. I can’t risk it twice.’
‘You can’t trust me.’
‘Can you tell me I should?’
She looked away. ‘No.’
‘Then I don’t think there’s anything more to say. Do you?’
She didn’t answer.
Grabbing his guitar, Jude walked out on the love of his life.
He didn’t look back.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
TEARS BLINDED HER as Rosa raced up the path back to the villa. Thank goodness everyone was leaving tomorrow. She could be packed and on a boat with them first thing, and on a plane to Russia, or Australia—anywhere—before breakfast. She needed to get as far away from La Isla Marina, and Jude Alexander, as possible—and fast.
What had she been thinking? Of course he wouldn’t give up all his successes and fame to run away with her. Who would? Rosa had always been the screw-up, the wild and free one who couldn’t settle for anything. Now it seemed she couldn’t live up to Jude’s expectations any more than she’d lived up to her father’s or her sister’s. She couldn’t live up to his life in New York, or the memory of the best friend he’d lost. Especially when she couldn’t promise him for ever.
Except...she’d wanted to. For a heartbeat of a moment, when he’d asked if she’d marry him, she’d wanted to say yes. Wanted to fall into his arms and be his for ever.
Until he’d added ‘go with me’ and she’d known she couldn’t promise that.
She wasn’t a follower. And neither was Jude. Neither of them would ever be happy trailing around after the other.
I
t was an impossibility. They were an impossibility.
It had been fun while it lasted, but she should never have expected anything more. She wasn’t good at compromise, or giving, or other people’s feelings. Hadn’t Anna made that clear enough?
Her sister could change her path, change her mind, her life. But Rosa never had been able to live up to Anna’s example.
For one, sharp moment Rosa missed her sister so much that it ached. They might not have always—okay, often—got along, but Anna was still family. She’d turned to Rosa when she’d found out she was pregnant, eventually, and now Rosa wished that she could do the same.
But Anna was far away in Oxford with Leo, and all Rosa had left were her parents. The mother who’d taught her that the best way to deal with difficulties was to run away, and the father who’d always wanted her to be someone she wasn’t.
Somehow, she couldn’t see either of them fixing this mess.
Wiping her tears away, Rosa stepped into the main villa, the place she’d spent so many childhood holidays, that held so many memories.
Then she stopped.
And she stared.
