This thought doesn’t bring me any relief though. Instead, it makes me feel like hyperventilating. I blink away a few stupid tears.
Kenna seems to make a decision, and then she speaks.
“Are we ever going to talk about what happened? Xander seemed to think you and Hudson were really getting along at Lilly’s party. I swear, if that bastard fucked with you, I’ll put arsenic in his coffee.”
“You don’t need to poison him.” I sigh. “Nothing happened. I mean … well, something happened. Something amazing.” I stand up and pace around the shop.
“Okay.” Kenna gives me space, waiting patiently until I’m ready.
“The sex was mind-blowing,” I admit. “I basically thought I saw God. But then I told him we should just be friends. Because … you know.” I gesture lamely around the shop, as if this makes sense.
Kenna blinks at me, biting her lip.
That’s the thing about speaking your fucked-up truth. It doesn’t make it truthier. It only serves to highlight what an idiot you are. The lump in my throat is painful. My eyes burn with the unshed tears.
“Go ahead, say it.”
“I don’t know what to say, Georgia. I’m just going to give you a hug, okay?” She wraps me up in her arms, and I rest my head on her bony shoulder.
When she releases me, I sink to the floor and toy with a pair of scissors, snipping the uneven ends off the bows waiting to be added to the wrapped baskets.
“Maybe it’s not too late.” Kenna pats my shoulder. “Tell me exactly what happened. What made you tell him you just wanted to be friends?”
“I don’t know. One minute, we were in the kitchen. I was making coffee and he came down. I was hungry. I wanted a big bacon breakfast, I wanted him, I wanted everything, and I felt like, for once, maybe I could actually have it. It was like my heart was waking up from a bad dream, and the sun was shining. But my pantry was empty. I really haven’t cooked anything in the kitchen since my mom died, you know. I never eat breakfast at home.”
Kenna nods. “I know. Why do you think I always bring you food?”
“So, we started making out. I knew he was starving because his stomach growled, but I thought,We can’t have breakfast here. He’s going to have to leave me to go get some food.”
I’m not even sure how to explain this, but I try.
“The thought of him leaving in that moment, Kenna … I don’t know. I just felt so sure that he was going to leave me and never come back. I thought,What if he changes his mind now that he’s slept with me? What if he decides to go back to Seattle and get on with his super-rich life and his trophy wife-style girlfriends?”
“Oh, Georgia,” Kenna reprimands me, “cut it out. You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit.”
“Okay, then what if he got in a car accident?” I ask. “What if he simply went out for eggs and got t-boned and never came back?”
Kenna doesn’t have an answer for this, but she understands. We’re both orphans.
“I don’t want to be his ‘friend with benefits.’” Now the tears are falling for real, and I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “I mean, he mentioned it, at one point, and I considered it for a second, but I don’t think I could do it.”
“You considered it?”
“Yeah, I was such an idiot. I took my shirt off.”
“What? Why?” Kenna is shaking her head.
“I guess I kind of just wanted to see what he’d do? Like I wanted to wind him up a little. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was so stupid. I was desperate for him not to go.”
“But you asked him to go,” Kenna says. “Have you talked since then?”
“No.”
“Not even as Cookie and Oliver?”
“Just the one message. He asked me to bring the costumes by. The challenge ended this week anyway.”
Kenna frowns.
