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But she wasn’t the Lily Edward wanted either. So who did that leave her with?
Alex wrapped an arm around her shoulders, warm and heavy and comforting. ‘We go and get a drink. That’s what.’
It wasn’t much past midday, but since she’d closed the shop for the day anyway… ‘Okay. Let’s go.’
The Bull and Frog was mostly empty, except for the usual regulars already on their second pints at the bar. Lily let Alex manoeuvre her into a corner table, sitting in a continued stunned silence while Alex went to procure them drinks. As he sat down across from her, placing a large glass of brandy next to her hand, she looked up and said, ‘I didn’t mean to do it like that.’
Alex raised an eyebrow. ‘But you did mean to break it off?’
‘Yes.’ Lily sipped at the brandy. She might be in shock, might have no idea what she was going to do next or where her life would take her now, but one thing she was utterly sure of – she had meant to break her engagement. ‘I decided last night. But I think I knew, for a while, that I’d have to.’
Picking up his own pint glass, Alex gave her a lopsided smile. ‘I think I did too.’
‘Did everyone know I was making a mistake except me?’
‘And Edward,’ Alex said, which she took for agreement.
A dark feeling fell over her. ‘And my mother. Oh God, how am I going to tell my mother. And Cora. And…’
‘Breathe, Lily.’ Alex shifted from his seat onto the bench beside her, his hand reaching around her waist, holding her head to his shoulder. ‘Come on. You’re better than this. You made your choice, and it was the right one. So you just need to –’
‘Own my decision and face the consequences.’ She gave him a wry smile, as confusion flooded his face. ‘You said that to me once before, when you picked me and Cora up from the station.’
‘After Glastonbury.’ He tipped his head to look at her. ‘You remembered that?’
‘Lived by it, for a while.’ The memory of that awful summer came back, superimposed over the misery of that morning, and the prospect of having to tell her mother just how badly she’d let her down, again. ‘Knowing that, believing that… It made it easier for me to make my own decisions, to do what I thought was right, as long as I was willing to face the consequences of those decisions.’
‘In that case…’ Alex picked up her left hand, now back to its normal self, without the ring that had never felt like hers. ‘How did you come to agree to marry Edward?’
‘Guess I wasn’t ready to face the consequences then.’
‘But you are now?’
‘I think I have to be.’ There was a cough over at the bar, and Lily looked up to see Jack, the landlord, and a few locals watching them. She pulled her hand out of Alex’s. No point making things worse for both of them by starting rumours about why she’d broken things off with Edward. ‘I’ll have to start over again. Move my things out of the cottage.’ Oh God, she’d have to find somewhere to live. And in the meantime… ‘Move back in with my mother.’
Alex winced. ‘You don’t sound enthusiastic at the prospect.’
A future of Marks and Spencer ready meals, half a glass of wine with dinner, and cutting comments about throwing away her future loomed ahead of her. Lily had lived it all at seventeen, without the wine, when she’d dropped out of college. She really wasn’t in a hurry to do it all again.
But… ‘My decision, my consequences.’
‘I think there might be a limit on that. At the least, you don’t have to make yourself actively miserable for no reason.’
Lily shrugged. ‘It won’t be for long, hopefully. I’ll start looking for somewhere else to rent as soon as I can.’ Of course, it would have to be phenomenally cheap, which wasn’t easy in a pretty little town like Felinfach. Tiger Lily did okay, covering its own rent, materials, supplies and her time, most months. But it would take some very creative accounting to cover full rent for herself, plus living expenses.
‘So, what convinced you, in the end? You said you decided last night, so it couldn’t have been only a desperate desire to avoid businessmen in suits.’
Lily thought back. ‘It was the ring that started it. I’d forgotten to put it back on after the photo shoot. And I realized… I didn’t want to wear it. Then, when Edward noticed… He started talking about our future, and having a family and giving up the shop. And I knew then I couldn’t marry him. I couldn’t be who he wanted me to be.’ Except it was more than that, wasn’t it? It wasn’t just Edward. The confused daze started to clear, for the first time, and at the heart of it Lily found something certain, something real and true. Something she could centre her new life around.
‘Actually, I realized I don’t want to get married at all. Ever.’
* * * *
It shouldn’t matter to him. Hadn’t he already decided that Lily Thomas, desirable as she was, couldn’t ever be called wife material? She was probably right. She would probably be happiest never getting married, if she felt so against it. After all, marriage wasn’t something to be taken lightly. Wasn’t that why he’d been so angry at her agreeing to marry that idiot when it was obvious to everyone that she didn’t really want a future with him?
But despite all the logic, Alex couldn’t stop himself asking, ‘Never? That’s a very long time to be so certain about. Why not?’
‘I’ve always known, I think. I just got distracted from what I believe into thinking about what other people think I ought to do.’ She sighed, looking very tired all of a sudden. ‘But marriage… that’s promising to be the same person for the rest of your life – the person your spouse fell in love with. And that’s crazy. No one can make the promise. People change. And marriage changes you. Marriage means giving up a part of yourself, being what somebody else wants.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m not going to make that mistake again. Ever.’
‘That’s not…’ Alex looked at her in bewilderment. How had she got it so wrong? ‘Marriage isn’t about losing part of yourself. It’s about becoming something more.’
Lily raised an eyebrow at him, her face sceptical. ‘Really? And you’re such an expert on marriage, given your immense experience in deep and meaningful relationships?’
She had a point, not that he’d let her know that. Yes, his past relationships with women had barely lasted past the first flush of infatuation. But he was ready to change that now, surely that meant something? And besides… ‘I don’t have to have experienced it for myself. I’ve seen it in others.’
‘Your parents?’ She sounded interested, at least.
‘And my brother and his wife. They’re…’ He thought of the way Gareth looked at Della, and the way they both loved their boys. ‘If they’ve changed, they’ve changed together. Grown together. They’re right for each other, in a way I haven’t found yet. But when I do, that’ll be it. I’ll have what they have, for the rest of my life.’
‘Why, Alex Harper. You’re a romantic.’
‘This surprises you?’
Head tipped to the side, Lily studied him so intently that he started to wonder what she was looking for. ‘A little. Although I’m not sure why it should.’ Her gaze was fixed on his, and Alex found himself staring into bright green eyes, unsure if he’d be able to break away again. So much depth in that gaze. So much feeling.
Suddenly uncomfortable, Alex forced himself to look away, and the room seemed darker without her eyes lightening it. Time for a subject change.
‘So. What’s your first move, then?’
‘I need to figure out who I am without him. Who I want to be. On my own.’
‘I think that’s a really good start,’ Alex said. It wasn’t unlike what he was doing, here in Felinfach. The one thing he’d promised his dad he’d focus on – the life he truly wanted to live, without the City and the lifestyle he’d grown bored of. Except he didn’t plan to be alone in it for very long.
Lily sighed. ‘But practically… Telling people, I suppose. Starting with Mum. And Cora. And the four separate co
uples whose weddings we’re supposed to be attending in the next few months.’
‘Ouch. Just what you’re not in the mood for.’
‘Not exactly.’ She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it away from those sparkling eyes. ‘Today was the only one that was Edward’s family. But there’s three more before Cora’s. The next one’s my cousin, Beatrice. Then there’s Tessa and Jack – they’re friends from the Mill. Edward would have hated that one anyway, so he’ll probably be happy to miss it. Then another friend from school. Guess I’ll just go it alone.’
He shouldn’t offer, Alex knew. They’d barely seen each other in ten years, and she’d just broken off her engagement to another man. And yet, he found himself saying, ‘I’ll go with you instead, if you like?’
His reward was the first real smile he’d seen from Lily all day. ‘Really? That would be fun.’
‘Fun,’ Alex echoed. ‘Yes, it will. But there’s a condition.’
‘Oh?’
‘I’ve got a wedding of my own to attend in a couple of weeks. Be more fun with a friend.’
Because maybe he wasn’t going to marry Lily Thomas. But he could be a friend to her, right now, when she needed it.
Lily smiled. ‘You’re on.’
* * * *
The fact that her mother stood waiting by the open front door of her house before Lily even turned into the driveway was, she thought, a pretty bad sign. The suitcase on the step in front of her was even worse. Especially since it was Lily’s, and had last been seen gathering dust under the spare bed in the cottage she had, until that morning, shared with Edward.
‘Edward dropped this off half an hour ago,’ Evelyn said as Lily approached. ‘Said it should do you until you came to your senses. What in heaven’s name is going on?’
Unable to think of a good way to break the news, despite spending the entire walk from the pub attempting it, Lily decided that fast and clean was the only way to go. ‘Mum, I’ve left Edward. We’re not getting married – in fact, I don’t think I ever want to get married. And can I move back in with you?’
Possibly she shouldn’t have had the second brandy with Alex before coming to break the news to her mother.
Despite the fact that she had to have at least guessed what had happened, Evelyn still affected a faint against the doorframe. Lily hefted the suitcase up and rolled her eyes. ‘Come on, Mum. You always said he was too good for me. This can’t be that much of a surprise.’
