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His mouth hardened, but the rest of his face looked so open, so revealing, as he met her gaze in the mirror. ‘Nothing,’ he said, glancing away.
‘I don’t believe you.’
This time, when he looked at her, she saw exactly what he was thinking. So clearly, that she was already pulling away when he spoke the words, wishing she hadn’t asked, wishing he wouldn’t tell her.
‘I was just thinking that, somehow, I’ve gone and fallen in love with you.’
Chapter Fifteen
Alex’s brain was cursing his mouth even before the words were out. This wasn’t the plan! What the hell was he thinking, telling her that? Stupid, stupid, stupid man.
What had happened to letting things gently work their way to an inevitable conclusion? She’d have realized it herself, soon enough, he was sure. They were a match. They were fantastic together – in bed and out of it. She was the first actual woman he’d ever been able to actually see himself settling down with, the first one to make the plan seem possible. But it was still far too early to be talking about love. Let alone with a woman as scared of commitment as Lily was.
What had made him say it? Hell, he hadn’t even admitted it to himself for more than a moment before he was blurting the fact out. All this getting in touch with his creative side must have rewired his businessman’s pragmatic brain. And what was he going to do if she wouldn’t admit she felt the same?
God, what if she didn’t feel the same?
On the other side of the fitting room, Lily stood backed up against the wall, her eyes wide and terrified. Alex cursed the fact that bridal shops gave women more than a square meter to get changed in, unlike most shops. She shouldn’t be able to be so far away from him. Now he’d realized how he felt, all he wanted was to keep her close to him, always.
It was the dress that was to blame. The way it clung to her like a second skin in places, and hung loose and inviting in others, just hinting at what lay underneath. He’d looked at that dress and seen her walking down the aisle behind Cora. And then, before he could stop himself, he’d seen her walking down an aisle towards him, ready to make herself his forever.
Something Lily swore she’d never do.
God, what a mess. Alex ran a hand through his hair, and tried to find the words to make this right again. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘No, you shouldn’t.’ Her eyes were wider than he’d ever seen them, even that first night when she’d fallen apart under his fingers, shock and pleasure mingled on her face. ‘We agreed. We said. This is only a fling.’
Alex shrugged. He’d already gone this far, he may as well throw down all his chips. ‘What if I want more than that?’
She was already shaking her head. ‘I can’t. We can’t. I told you –’
‘You told me you didn’t want to marry Edward.’ Stepping closer, Alex reached for her hands, but she tucked them behind her back before he could grasp them, and his own arms fell to his side.
‘I told you I didn’t ever want to get married.’ She stared up at him, and for the first time he saw the anger in her eyes. ‘What, did you think you were the exception to that rule?’
‘And I told you I had come home to settle down,’ Alex countered.
‘But not with me!’ Lily cried. ‘You were very clear about that. This was just a fling, same as countless others you’ve had over the years.’
Fury burned deep in his chest. Did she really not know that this was different for him? Did she understand him so little? ‘You didn’t really believe I’d changed.’ He laughed, low and bitter. ‘After everything you said about people changing in relationships, you thought this whole thing was just a phase for me.’
‘Of course I did, Alex!’ Lily sounded exasperated. Good for her. Because he was a hell of a lot more than just exasperated. ‘I mean, the photography and everything, sure. But settling down? Getting married? I know you said you wanted it, and maybe you really believe you do. But honestly? I can’t see it. You’re not that sort of man.’
‘How the hell would you know what kind of man I am?’ Alex asked, his voice dark. ‘You’ve kept me at arm’s length from the start, too scared to admit to how you actually feel about me.’
‘How I feel? You lied to me, Alex. You said this would just be a fling!’
‘Maybe I thought it would.’ He felt uncomfortable even saying the words because, in truth, he’d always known that Lily was more than just that. Even if he hadn’t anticipated how far and fast he’d fall, once he had her.
‘No you didn’t.’ Lily’s eyes narrowed as she studied him. ‘Was this your plan from the start? You were so certain about what your perfect life had to have in it that you broke up me and Edward to get it?’
For a moment, he couldn’t believe he’d truly heard the words. That she’d really said that, or even thought it. His head burned with the unfairness of it, and he couldn’t control his response, or his words.
‘You really think that?’ He stalked closer, staring into her eyes, searching for the truths there. ‘You think I’d do that? God, you don’t know me at all, do you? I fell for you, Lily. Hard. And all along, you didn’t even care about getting to know me, beyond what I could do for you in the bedroom. All you cared about was making sure you could be the person you wanted to be.’
‘And you’re any better?’ Lily spat back at him. ‘You have your idea of what you need for your life to be perfect, but I told you from the start that your perfect looked different to mine. You just assumed that you could talk me round, that I’d want what you wanted in the end. God, you’re no better for me than Edward was.’
‘Then why the hell don’t you just go back to him?’ They were yelling now, Alex realized. Any moment now Cora and the shop lady were going to come back and find them slinging accusations at each other. He should be embarrassed, but how could he be any more humiliated by this than by what he’d just done. He’d never told a woman he loved her before. And clearly this was why.
‘Because you made me see that I could have more than that. I just didn’t realize you only wanted me to leave him so I could give you what you wanted instead!’
‘Yeah, that’s why. God, why else?’ Alex said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘Not because I thought we were friends, surely.’
‘Friends? I think you need to check your definition of friendship, Alex. Friends don’t do the things we do.’
‘And whose idea was that in the first place? Sure as hell wasn’t mine. You were the one who started talking about flings.’
‘And that was working fine! Until you came in here with all your stupid talk about –’
Alex cut her off before he had to hear the word “love” pass her lips in such an angry tone. ‘And you’re wrong. I didn’t set out to break up you and Edward, even if I’m not sorry it ended that way. But maybe you did. Maybe you broke it off with Edward so you could take me to bed without feeling guilty. Maybe if I hadn’t come along, you’d have married him anyway. Maybe this is all about the crush you’ve had on me since you were fourteen. Maybe deep down you’re just the same confused, impulsive and selfish little girl you always were.’
The colour faded from Lily’s face, leaving her white and horrified. Alex felt a stab of guilt as his words echoed in his head.
When she spoke, Lily’s voice was soft and deadly. ‘Clearly I didn’t know what kind of man you were, then. If I’d known what I do now, I’d never have been so stupid.’
She swept past him, out of the fitting room and into the main shop. He turned to follow, brushing the curtain out of his way with an angry arm. ‘Lily, I’m –’ he started, but she was already gone, out into the street.
Leaving only Cora and the shop assistant staring at him like he’d been killing kittens in the changing room.
* * * *
‘I know, I know, you were right all along,’ Lily said, staring mournfully into her cup of tea. ‘It was a stupid, stupid idea to get involved with Alex.’
Cora looked around
the cafe; it looked hygienic enough, but if Lily spilt anything on that dress there was going to be hell to pay.
‘He’s gone now,’ she said, slipping into the chair opposite her friend. ‘If you want to come back and get changed out of that dress.’
Lily nodded, but still didn’t look up.
‘And the corset,’ Cora added. ‘That can’t be very comfortable for moping in.’
‘I’m not moping.’ Lily shot her a glare from under her brows that sort of negated her words. ‘And you’re just trying to get me out of the dress before I stain it.’
‘Not entirely unreasonable,’ Cora said. ‘After all, the wedding’s in less than two weeks. You ruin the dress and you’re walking up the aisle in nothing but your fancy knickers.’
‘Maybe that would prove to Alex I’m not wife material.’ Lily took a glug of her tea, and a drop clung perilously to the rim of the mug before falling harmlessly to the table. Cora grabbed a napkin and mopped it up before Lily could lean on it.
