“I don’t like to use the wordluckyin this context, because I’m aware how offensive this will sound, but I’m lucky I’m not a femme guy. If I had been the sort to wear makeup or jewellery, dye my hair…” He twisted Ru’s in his fingers. “…or grow my hair long or dress flamboyantly, or celebrate my difference in any way, including putting rainbow stickers on my horse trailers, I’d be dead by now.”
Ru gulped.
“It’s not a religious thing, though it’s not easy to be a gay Muslim. It’s because being gay challenges the social order. Nonconformists are not accepted. One irony is that masculine men who fuck other men are seen as less disgusting than the men they’re fucking. Because it’s recognised that men have needs, and women are untouchable unless you’re married to them, a man fucking another man is doing what men naturally do, even though it’s not with a woman. But a man who is fucked is the lowest of the low and must be a prostitute to allow that to happen. I think it will be a long time before attitudes change.”
“Do you really think you’d be killed if you went back?”
“I suspect I’d disappear. Others have been snatched and flown back in private planes, never to be been seen again. And yes, that would probably happen to me. My face is too well known. Who’d investigate my disappearance? I might be a British citizen now, but the UK government would not press the Saudi royal family. They need the connection too much; they won’t risk trade deals. While I behave, I’m left alone. If I was seen to be in a relationship with a man, my days of freedom would be numbered.”
“You think they’d go after you here?”
“Iknowthey would. Every now and again, I’m sent reminders of their tolerance. If I want to live here unmarried with no children, then I toe their line or they’ll bring everything crashing down.”
Ru was horrified. “How do you manage?”
“Do you mean has there been a long line of young men who I’ve fucked in the pool house?”
Ru flinched. “I wasn’t thinking that.”
Jasim kissed his forehead. “If you were, the answer is none.”
“You never go with anyone?”
“When I could be sure of anonymity, in a place where I was certain no one would know me, I took the risk. Rarely. But enough to feel human because it’s hard to never to be touched, to never touch. Then I thought I’d found a way to eliminate almost all risk, a convoluted system of procurement involving the dark web that I now bitterly regret. Not just because I ended up causing pain to someone I’d come to care for. Yet if I hadn’t ever done that, a bad situation might have become even worse. Doing the wrong thing led to eventually doing the right thing, though the authorities would not see it like that.”
Ru wasn’t sure he understood. “Was that someone the one you said was like me?”
Jasim sat up and reached for the bag. “You’re too sharp.” He took out two mugs, poured the coffee and handed a mug to Ru as he sat up.
“Thank you. For the coffee. Not for saying I’m too sharp.”
“My life has been complicated. I need to be careful. I told you all that so you’d understand. I’ve been vague on details to keep you safe. Ignoring the fact that I’m too old for you, I need you to see that there can’t be any walking on a beach holding hands, or strolling around London Zoo, or kissing in front of the polo crowd, or going to the cinema, or having romantic meals in restaurants.”
Ru stared at him.
“My father’s arms are long. If it was seen that I was in a relationship with another man, that man wouldn’t be safe.”
Ru wrapped his hands around the coffee and reached for a biscuit. “Youknowthat? You’re not just assuming?”
“I know. I’m responsible for one man’s death. I won’t risk yours.”
Oh shit.Ru stopped nibbling the biscuit he was holding. “Your family had someone killed?”
“No, but if it hadn’t been for the attitude of my family…” Jasim took a deep breath. “I can’t be what you want, what you need, or what you deserve. And it kills me to say that because I do want you. I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s hard to not want you when I’m with you, but the last thing you need is to be held back by a damaged, closeted guy who has to stay closeted. You have your whole life ahead of you. I want Leigh to offer you work at his place, so impress him. I want you to study to be whatever you choose to be and I’ll help you.”
Disappointment clawed at Ru’s heart. “You want to end this before we’ve even begun. And you’re wrong. Wecanwalk on a beach holding hands. There are plenty of beaches where we’d not be seen, in Northumberland, where my brother lives, or Scotland or the…Galapagos Islands. Though not a beach where they have those racer snakes that I saw on the TV a couple of weeks ago. Wecouldgo to London Zoo. I don’t think you’d be recognised there, but if that was too risky, there are lots of places we could go, lots of things we could do. Hang gliding, kiteboarding, skiing—not that I can do any of those. No kissing in public, well yep, I get that, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable doing that anyway. And who’d see us in a cinema when the lights were down? We could hold hands and kiss in there. And I don’t care about meals out. I like meals in.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’ve spent the last twelve years of my life being hurt in one way or another. If you turn your back on me now, that’s going to hurt too. Don’t give up on us without trying. I can be careful. You’ve explained the risks. I understand the consequences.”Oh God, he did!
“You want to sneak to the pool house for sex a couple of times a week?” Jasim said abruptly. “That’s all it could be for me, but I want more than that for you. You can go away to college, get a qualification, make something of yourself. I’ll support you.”
“Stop saying you’ll help me, support me. It makes me feel as if you’re paying to get rid of me.” Ru could hardly speak. “Do you think I’d take any of your money? That isn’t what I want.” He pushed to his feet. “I don’t want to go to the vet’s. Drive me back. I’ll be out of your life by this afternoon. You can forget you ever met me.”
Jasim stood up. “Ru. You’re overreacting.”
“You…you…arrogant shit. Why can’t you just give me a chance? Give us a chance? Nothing in life is easy. I get that. I get that more than most people. But I like you. I should stop liking you because you’re an arsehole.”
