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I wanted to be enjoying the moment, to just appreciate the sheer Christmas-ness of it all. But I couldn’t stop myself from watching Aiden, folding a napkin into more and more intricate designs at the other end of the table.
‘What do you get if you swallow a box of Christmas decorations?’ Max asked, in a bad Welsh accent.
My head shot up, my eyes locked with Aiden’s in an instant. One stupid joke, so many memories. Of him reading cracker jokes as we lay naked in bed, snacking on a box of Roses chocolates. For some reason, that one joke had sent him into fits of the giggles, which had set me off, until laughter turned to kisses and kisses turned to more and…
My face burned red as I looked away again.
‘Tinsellitus!’ Caro proclaimed triumphantly, earning the obligatory laugh.
But I couldn’t. This was ridiculous. Every moment just reminded me of that other, lost Christmas. I couldn’t leave Rosewood without resolving things – and that meant acting. Now.
I looked down the table, searching for Mum, but her seat was empty. Frowning, I scanned the doorways, and saw her disappearing down a corridor that I thought led to the kitchen. Was she clearing up? Well, that was something I could help her with. Even if it meant risking her throwing crockery at my head.
Decision made, I got to my feet, smiling my excuses to Isabelle, and ignoring the weight of Aiden’s gaze as it followed me.
I heard Mum before I saw her, which puzzled me. Who was she talking to?
‘I know, I know. And I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Like I told you, reception is awful here. Keeps cutting out.’ There was a pause, presumably as she listened to whoever was on the other end of the phone. Was this who had been calling on the drive up? Her so-called sales calls? ‘I know. I’ll tell them. I promise. Maybe in the New Year. I just… I just need to get Freya settled again. If only she and Darren could have worked out their differences…’
Wait. What now?
I stepped out of the shadows of the corridor into the kitchen, my arms folded over my chest as Mum turned and spotted me.
‘I have to go,’ she said, lowering the phone and ending the call without another word.
‘Who was that?’ I asked, keeping my voice even. ‘And what can’t you tell me?’
Mum swallowed visibly. ‘That… that was my friend. Richard.’
Friend. Like Aiden was a guy I’d known once. ‘Friend as in… boyfriend?’ As in a replacement for Dad?
‘Maybe.’ Her voice was shaking – like she was terrified and excited all at once. Exactly how I felt, talking to Aiden.
Huh. In all my worries about telling Mum the truth about Darren and me, this had never occurred to me – that perhaps Mum had her own secrets, too. I tried to find some anger, some pain at the thought of her moving on, but it wasn’t there. The idea was weird, I had to admit. But Dad had been gone so long now. And Mum… she shouldn’t be lonely. Just like Therese shouldn’t. She should be allowed to move on – just like I should.
‘And you didn’t want to tell us about him because…?’
Mum sank down to sit in one of the kitchen chairs with a sigh. ‘Oh, so many different reasons. Because I didn’t want you to think I was betraying your dad’s memory. Because you were going through so much already, with Darren, and I just wanted you to be happy…’
‘I am,’ I blurted out. ‘I mean, it was awful, and I hate how it’s affecting Max, but… I’m happier without Darren than I ever was with him.’
‘Really?’ Astonishment rang out in my mother’s voice. ‘And is that… has it got something to do with Aiden? Because I always thought he was Edward’s friend. I didn’t realise…’
I shook my head. ‘No. It’s not… I hadn’t seen Aiden in fourteen years until yesterday.’
‘But you two used to have something, once?’ Mum asked.
‘Yeah,’ I admitted softly. ‘We did.’
‘And you might again?’
I gave a helpless shrug. ‘Maybe? I hope so. But that’s not the most important thing right now.’
‘You want to know about Richard,’ Mum said, sounding glum.
‘I do,’ I replied. ‘But first I need to tell you something.’
‘What?’
I took a deep breath. ‘Darren came to me, two weeks after he left, and begged me to take him back. I said no.’
I’d expected Mum to demand that I justify myself, explain how I could give up on my marriage so easily. But instead, she said, ‘Does Max know?’
‘Not yet. But I’m going to tell him. I just hope he’ll understand.’
‘I’m glad.’ Max’s voice came loud and clear from the doorway and I spun around, my eyes wide.
‘Max! I –’ But I had no words. This was not how this conversation was meant to go. I’d meant to build up to this, to talk around the subject first. To try and make him understand.
‘It’s okay, Mum. I… I just want you to be happy.’ Max looked miserable, I realised suddenly. Truly, desperately unhappy. And I had a horrible feeling he’d been feeling that way for far longer, and masking it with sarcasm and a sudden interest in spontaneous human combustion.
‘You know none of this is your fault, don’t you?’ I said urgently. We’d told him that regularly, whenever the topic of the divorce came up, but perhaps it hadn’t been enough. There was so much we hadn’t told him – like the real reason his dad left, or what happened when he tried to come back. And suddenly that felt like a mistake. Max might only be twelve but he wasn’t stupid. He knew when he was being shut out – and that would only make him more scared.
But Max rolled his eyes at me. ‘I know that Mum. And I know you both still love me and you’re still my parents, blah blah blah. You’ve banged on about it often enough.’
‘Oh. Well, good.’
‘It’s just… there’s something I should have told you months ago, and I didn’t.’
I blinked in surprise. Maybe Mum and I weren’t the only ones keeping secrets. ‘Okay. Well, do you want to tell me now?’
‘Yeah. I think so. I just…’ He took a deep breath. ‘Mum. Dad was having an affair with my mate Joe’s mum for months before he left. Joe and I caught them one day but Joe told me I couldn’t say anything because his mum was all alone and, well, stuff. But I should have told you.’
‘Oh.’ I stared at him, blindsided. ‘I mean, I know. Or I found out, back in July. But your dad promised it was over, and then in September he changed his mind and left –’
‘Wait!’ Mum cried. ‘You didn’t tell me he cheated before he left.’
I frowned at her. ‘Well of course he did. That’s why he left.’
‘But you didn’t tell me you knew.’
Was that what would have made a difference? I had no idea.
‘So, wait, your dad didn’t know that you knew?’ I asked Max, because that was what really mattered. If Darren had asked him to lie, the gloves were off in divorce court.
But Max shook his head. ‘I never told him. And then when he left, he made a big deal about me being the man of the house and having to look after you. So even though I wanted to tell you, I didn’t want to upset you. But… you already knew? Really?’
‘Really,’ I assured him. ‘But you should have told me anyway. I’m the one who has to look after you. Not the other way around. You shouldn’t have had to carry that alone.’
‘I know,’ Max said, miserable again.
‘And… now you know your dad’s moved on…’ I started, unsure if this was the time or place.
‘I just want you to be happy, Mum,’ Max said, forestalling the conversation.
‘I will be,’ I promised. ‘Just make sure you keep talking to me. Telling me things.’
‘Like you should have told me what was really going on,’ Mum scolded me.
‘And you should have told me about Richard,’ I countered.
‘And if you were all planning some sort of important family meeting, someone should have told me,’ Edward put in, from behind Max.
We all looked even guiltier, and he laughed, hooking an arm around Max’s chest to tug him backwards.
‘Come on, all of you. We’re playing games in the drawing room.’
Max and I exchanged a look. ‘Christmas games. My favourite.’
‘Charades!’ Edward called back as we all traipsed after him down the corridor.
‘God, it really is like living in an Agatha Christie novel, here,’ I murmured, and Mum nodded, before hurrying to catch up. But Max hung back.
‘Mum…’
Oh God, what else? Surely we were out of secrets by now? I tried to keep my voice calm as I said, ‘Yes?’
‘I just…’ Max bit his lip, looking down at his feet. ‘I meant it, when I said I wanted you to be happy.’
‘Oh. Well, thank you?’ I said. ‘And you know I only want the same for you. I know it’s been difficult lately, but we’re going to be okay, me and you, yeah? And sure, things will change, but not us. You’re always going to be the most important person in the world to me, okay?’
