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How I didn’t know where to go next. How the internship with the professor I’d thought would lead me to graduate studies and an academic career suddenly couldn’t offer anything beyond the holidays. How I knew my parents wanted me to get a real job, a real life – a life like theirs. A happy marriage, a couple of kids. And I wanted all that too – wanted to be a grown up out in the real world.
How a tiny part of me wanted to follow my heart into research and academia, even while the rest of me knew the failed internship was probably a sign to give up now.
Then, of course, Darren had come back and my decision was almost made for me. I’d go wherever he went. Until now.
But I knew my story – I wanted to know Aiden’s.
I didn’t really expect him to tell me, but maybe he was remembering the same moment I was. He looked up at me, meeting my gaze, and gave a small nod.
‘So, I was really stupid.’
‘You surprise me.’
He gave me an offended look. ‘You know, you really don’t know me well enough to be that sarcastic.’
‘Yes I do.’ It was true. Despite the fourteen years that had passed, I still felt that I knew Aiden, in a way I’d rarely got to know anyone else.
‘You knew me,’ he corrected me. ‘I could have changed in fourteen years.’
‘I’m sure you have,’ I agreed. ‘Just not in the ways that make any difference.’ I’d thought, looking at his posters on the tube, that he must have done. But even just the last few hours had shown me that he was still the Aiden I’d known. My Aiden.
His expression changed, shifting into something I couldn’t name, couldn’t put my finger on. ‘Perhaps you’re right,’ he murmured. Then he shook his head. ‘Anyway. I was stupid in the way that almost everyone is stupid from time to time. I fell for the wrong woman.’
‘Easily done.’ I mean, I’d not only fallen for the wrong man, I’d married him and spent almost half my life with him.
Had Darren always been the wrong man? That was one thing I just couldn’t be sure of. I couldn’t regret my marriage, not really – it had given me Max, after all, and he was indisputably the best thing in my life. Which, admittedly, wasn’t saying very much, but still. The thought was there.
But the thing that kept me awake at night was wondering if Darren and I could have ever managed a happy ever after. If I’d behaved differently, like my mother thought I should. Or, more relevantly, if he hadn’t gone off and slept with another woman behind my back. Had there ever been a chance of it working out? Or were we doomed from the start?
I looked up and caught Aiden watching me, and suddenly I couldn’t help but think I’d known the answer all along – before Darren ever proposed.
‘So, who was she?’ I asked, keen to focus the conversation back on him, and keep my thoughts away from my own screwed up love life. Maybe it was cruel, but sometimes it helped to know that other people had made mistakes too.
‘My editor,’ Aiden said and I winced on his behalf.
‘Ah. I can see how that could go wrong.’
‘And it did. In basically every possible way you can imagine.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, feeling guilty for wanting to know about his miseries. ‘Do you want to tell me about it?’
‘You’re giving me the choice this time?’ I pulled a face, and he sighed before continuing. ‘About two years ago, my old editor moved publishers, and I got switched to Melody. She was this up-and-coming star the publishers were bragging about all over the place – and she was damn good at her job too, so she deserved it. We worked well together from the start, and my career continued to climb along with hers.’
‘Sounds pretty perfect,’ I commented. ‘So why’d you screw it up?’
‘Because I’m a self-sabotaging idiot.’ His gaze turned sharper. ‘Didn’t we establish that almost a decade and a half ago?’
I looked away. I’d wondered sometimes if he thought back to all those conversations we’d shared over those two weeks, the way I did. Wondered how much he remembered of the things we’d said and shared, but with one comment he’d made it pretty clear – he remembered everything. Just like I did.
‘What happened?’ I asked, ignoring the jibe.
Aiden leant back in his seat, stretching his legs out as Tony took his plate. Around the table, I was vaguely aware of everyone else chatting, making meaningless everyday conversation. But across the way and a couple of seats up diagonally, I could see Saskia watching us as she nodded along absently to whatever Edward was saying.
‘I was up for some award – which I didn’t win, I might add.’ He’d won others though, I knew. I might not have spoken to him since university, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t followed his career. ‘There was a dinner-and-drinks thing and I might have had a glass or two too many, and so did she. And you know where that sort of thing tends to lead.’
‘To bed.’ The words felt heavy in my mouth. Wasn’t that exactly what had happened with the two of us, that first night? One too many beers and not enough to eat and suddenly all the boundaries were gone. How many other women had he spent nights like that with?
It wasn’t the sex that made a flare of jealousy spark somewhere deep inside me. It was everything else that we’d shared.
Perhaps something of my thoughts showed in my face, because Aiden’s expression softened, just a touch. ‘Yeah, the usual drunken fling. So cliché, I know.’
‘I remember.’ We might have had two weeks, but really, what had we been but an extended one night stand? Maybe the distance of years had given that Christmas far more importance in my memory than it deserved.
He shook his head. ‘No. It wasn’t like that.’ His voice dropped to an almost inaudible whisper. ‘Not like us.’
Those three words pulled the weight from my heart. Not like us. There had been an us, once, even if no one else knew. And that brief time where we’d existed… it had been special. Precious. I hated the thought of him sharing that with anyone else, even after all this time.
Which, now I thought about it, was kind of crazy.
‘Of course, she actually stuck around afterwards, so…’ he said, and I laughed.
‘Sensible woman,’ I replied, without thinking.
Aiden’s gaze flew to mine, his surprise clear. ‘Wait. Are you actually admitting that you should have stayed, instead of running after Darren?’
Was I? I stalled, my skin too hot and my hands unsteady, not even sure of my answer in my own head. Instead, all I could do was replay that awful morning – the one where Darren had come back early, unexpected, and showed up on my doorstep looking to make up and get back together. And I’d looked back at Aiden, still lying in my bed, out of Daren’s sightline. I’d met his eyes, seen what he wanted, and made the decision to go anyway.
And every Christmas since – only at Christmas – I’d let myself wonder what might have happened if I’d made a different choice.
As it was, Aiden had been gone when I got back, along with the star on my tree, and I’d had a diamond ring on my finger.
God, what a mess. How could I even begin to explain all the ways I’d screwed things up before and since then?
I shook my head as Aiden held my gaze in his own, waiting for an answer. I couldn’t find the words.
Thankfully, Tony arrived with the next course – a delicious beef casserole with ginger and cranberries in it – before the silence between us grew too heavy. Then Isabelle stood up and declared that it was time for us all to change places.
‘What? Why?’ Aiden asked, as everyone else got to their feet.
‘Because that’s what we always do on Christmas Eve,’ Isabelle answered.
Aiden looked to Saskia for confirmation, and she nodded. ‘It’s true. It’s because we always tend to have more people for Christmas Eve dinner, and if we all stay sitting in the same places, we only get to talk to the same people.’
