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‘Haven’t you?’
‘No.’ I shifted in my chair, tucking my feet up under me as I lied. I felt twenty-one again, instead of the thirty-five I knew I was. Alone with Aiden in the firelight, it was as if the years – and all the experience, confidence and life that had come with those years – melted away. And suddenly I was just Freya again – alone, scared and so damn uncertain about everything. ‘Maybe.’
He gave a low laugh. ‘It’s been fourteen years, Freya. Fourteen years I’ve been wanting to ask you one question. And that’s a hell of a long time.’
‘So why haven’t you asked it? You’ve had all day.’
‘Because I wanted to be the only one to hear your answer. The only one to see your face when you give me the truth at last.’ The fury I’d sensed behind his smile when I’d arrived was back – and he wasn’t bothering to hide it from anyone this time.
‘I have questions too,’ I said, stalling for time. If he hadn’t forgiven me in fourteen years, no answers I could give now would help. I wasn’t ready for this – for this conversation, for what happened next. Why hadn’t Edward told me that Aiden would be here? Had Saskia asked him not to, because she knew the truth?
‘We’ll get to your questions,’ Aiden promised darkly. He sat forward on the chaise longue, his elbows resting on his knees. His hair was black in the dim light, his eyes brighter than ever, and damn it I could not look away from his face. Couldn’t forget the last time I’d seen it – younger, more open. More hurt. ‘But first, I have to know. Why did you leave with him that morning?’
The words hung there between us, a moment in time we could never get back. He watched me hungrily, ready to devour my answer – as if I hadn’t asked myself the same question for years and failed to come up with an answer that satisfied even me.
‘You’re going to be disappointed,’ I warned him. I was disappointed in the girl who’d made that decision. Who’d followed Darren out into the snow and believed him when he said it was all out of his system now and he knew what he wanted – a future with me.
‘Anything is better than not knowing,’ Aiden said.
I sighed, and reached for the bottle of whiskey on the side table, pouring a slug into my coffee cup. Suddenly, I understood why the occupants of Rosewood drank so much. Secrets required courage, and Dutch was as good as any in a pinch.
‘I don’t know,’ I said, at last, and Aiden pulled a face. I rushed on, before he could complain. ‘I mean, there were so many reasons they all muddled together. I’m just not sure any of them were very good ones.’
‘Tell me anyway.’
‘Because…’ I sighed again. He was going to hate me for this, I was sure. ‘Because it was a Christmas fling. A moment out of time. It barely felt real, once we reached January first. Because you were my little brother’s best friend. Because I was about to graduate and you’d barely started. Because I knew Darren, knew exactly what I would get with him, while you were a complete risk. Because I was looking to the future and you’d barely even thought about it. Because I wanted things I didn’t think you’d be able to give me.’
‘Like?’
‘Like, I don’t know. Like success. Money. A family. And I know that that’s crazy, given the way your career has taken off, but back then…’
‘I had no ambition. I remember.’
‘You were actively trying not to be a famous writer,’ I reminded him. ‘You were studying philosophy for heaven’s sake, and all you wanted to do was write stories so intense and so personal that no one would ever buy them.’
He chuckled. ‘It was a point of pride, as I remember it. Two fingers up to the establishment and all that.’
‘So what changed?’
Aiden raised an eyebrow as he looked at me. ‘I grew up. Didn’t we all?’
‘I guess.’ Except I didn’t feel like I had. Back then, I’d thought I was already the grown up – that I knew what I wanted from my future and how I was going to get it. I wanted a career, a family, a love like my parents had. I was already done with rebellion and all that. I wanted dinner parties for my friends and to be a proper grown up.
Basically, I’d been forty-five at twenty-one, and it was only now that I realised how ridiculous that was. How much life and opportunity I’d given up by rushing to be an adult.
‘What are you thinking?’ Aiden asked, shifting forward just a little so that the gap between us closed further. ‘You’re frowning.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s nothing.’
‘At least reassure me that you’re not just remembering how bad I was in bed at eighteen. It was my first time, remember. And my second. And my third. And…’
‘Aiden.’
‘All I’m saying is, cut me some slack on the critique.’
‘I wasn’t thinking about that, actually.’ Catching his eye, I couldn’t help but smile. ‘And really, for your first time… we did pretty damn well.’
‘Well, I thought so,’ Aiden said. ‘And we only got better over those two weeks. But then I woke up and you were leaving with your ex, and the next thing I heard you were engaged, so you can understand how I developed a bit of a complex…’
‘Oh, you did not.’ I slapped his arm lightly. ‘Don’t lie. I’ve seen enough photos of you with models and actresses to know that’s not true.’
‘Maybe I was overcompensating.’ Aiden tried to look hard done by, and failed. ‘Okay, fine. I got over it. But…’
‘But?’ He looked serious now, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know the answer. But I felt compelled to ask.
‘I did wonder. Not about the sex – even my inexperienced self knew that was pretty damn good. And once I got some more experience I knew it for sure. What we had that Christmas…’ he shook his head. ‘That was special. Which only made it weirder when you didn’t call. I mean, I left you my number, I waited for you after lectures, and then Edward told me about your engagement and… I didn’t see you again. You graduated and left, and I never saw you again after that morning, when you walked out with him.’
‘I know,’ I whispered, thinking of how I’d felt the day Darren had walked out. Like part of my life had just left. And sure, that had been after thirteen years of marriage, not two weeks of sex, but still... ‘I’m sorry. I should have handled it differently. It was just…’ Too much. That was the truth. It had all been too much.
Aiden was right; it wasn’t just the sex. Although, yeah, actually that had been kind of spectacular, especially given the circumstances.
But it was everything that came before, after and in between it that had made it too difficult to stay.
Aiden reached across the gap between us and, moving my coffee cup to the table, took my hand. ‘Tell me?’ he asked, and his voice was so like it had been that first night we met – so open, so willing to listen, so engage
d in what I had to say – that I couldn’t not explain. He deserved that much, at least.
‘When we talked… I’d never opened up to anyone like that before. Not my family, not my friends. Not even Darren. I’d only known you a handful of hours, and suddenly I was telling you my whole life story. Not even just that – my innermost thoughts and dreams.’
‘And that was… a bad thing?’ Aiden frowned.
‘Maybe that kind of connection happens to you every day,’ I said. ‘But it freaked me out, okay? I wasn’t used to anyone seeing that… much of me. It was like you left me nowhere to hide.’
Aiden tugged on my fingers, pulling me closer to him until our knees touched, and I could see every flicker of colour and emotion in his eyes in the firelight. ‘You see, that’s the part that hurt me the most,’ he murmured. ‘I never wanted you to have to hide from me. But you did. Every day, for months. Like I was some stalker you were trying to get rid of.’
‘It wasn’t you I was hiding from,’ I admitted. ‘It was the temptation to take the risk.’
‘The risk?’ His eyebrows shot up. ‘I was the risk?’
There was something in my chest fighting to get out. Something hard and buried and rebellious. Something I knew I couldn’t let myself feel.
I pulled my hands away from his and sat back, hugging my knees against my chest as an extra barrier between us, not caring that it made me look about six. ‘I didn’t know you,’ I reminded him, my voice sharp. ‘Basically, what we had was a short fling where I overshared drastically, and we both made it clear that the other person was the complete opposite of what we wanted. You wanted some sort of bohemian, rebellious, artistic life in a Paris garret or something, and I wanted a real life, with a career and a husband and a family. A future I already had lined up. Of course I went back to Darren when he asked me to.’
‘And how is that all working out for you?’ Aiden snapped back.
‘About as well as it is for you.’ I stared at him, my heart beating too fast and my breath harsh in my throat, waiting for his reaction.
