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‘Do what?’
‘Talk about things... Talk about being on my own with Hannah.... Talk about how I wonder if I’m doing things right all the time.’ He leaned forward and pressed his hands into his face. ‘Talk about if I’m letting her down.’
‘You’re not letting her down.’ The words were out instantly. ‘Why do you think that?’
She could see something flit across his eyes. Guilt. Doubt. This was clearly a man who felt he’d let someone down before. The first person to enter her head was his wife. He was a widower. No one had really told her any details. She just knew his wife had died from some kind of terminal disease just after having Hannah. Why would he think he’d let his wife down?
He hadn’t answered and she tried to push past what she’d just seen in his eyes. ‘You put too much pressure on yourself, Joshua. Every friend I’ve got who’s ever had a child spends their time endlessly worrying that they’re getting it wrong. Haven’t you realised yet that the whole world is just muddling through?’ She gave a little laugh. ‘Even the ones who have pre-made meals for a month and a huge blackboard with everything written on it in their kitchen.’
Joshua’s face relaxed into a smile and he visibly shuddered. ‘Okay, I’ve never done that.’
‘See?’ Clara smiled. ‘You’re not doing too badly then.’
There was something nice about seeing him a little more relaxed than normal. He seemed to settle into the contours of her sofa. ‘I’m sorry you got a fright tonight,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you give me the number of your flat, and your mobile number, so if Hannah ever appears again I can let you know where she is.’
He pulled a face. ‘It won’t happen again. I’m sorry. Keep the key card. I shouldn’t still have it. Of course I shouldn’t. To be honest, I’d just forgotten about it.’ He looked at his daughter and Clara’s heart panged at the clear look of love in his eyes. ‘I’ll talk to Hannah tomorrow. I’ll tell her she shouldn’t come down here.’
Clara shook her head. ‘You don’t need to do that. She’s welcome to come down here if I’m in.’ She gave him a smile. ‘To be honest, I liked the company. London’s kind of lonely. And it was the best book I’ve read in ages.’
‘You’re finding London lonely?’
‘Kind of. You know, we’re in a busy hospital, it’s a busy city, you can’t turn around without bumping into someone but...’ she let her voice trail off for a second while she collected her thoughts ‘... I miss my best friend, Ryan. I miss my old cottage with the sheep that press their faces up against the window.’
Joshua let out a loud laugh. ‘What?’
She grinned. ‘Text Georgie; she’s been there over a month. She’ll know all about it by now.’
His smile stayed for a few seconds, then faded. ‘I guess Hannah’s missing her auntie. She spent a lot of time here. Georgie was Hannah’s partner in crime; the two of them used to gang up on me.’
Clara raised her eyebrows. ‘Sounds like a job I could embrace,’ she said cheekily. ‘No, honestly, she can come down any time. If you think she needs to hang about with a female for a while or—’ she chose her words carefully ‘—if you need a break and I’m not working, just give me a call.’
She could see the conflict in his eyes. Joshua Woodhouse didn’t accept help easily. He was wavering. After a few seconds his eyes connected with hers. The setting sun was streaming oranges and reds through the glass across the room. It was like being held in some kind of spell. Her breath was stuck somewhere inside her chest. It was the first time in for ever that she’d felt some kind of connection with someone.
And she knew it was ridiculous. Joshua was her boss. And, apart from work, she didn’t think they had anything in common. But seeing him like this—exposed, worried, vulnerable—it was a far cry from the confident, smooth consultant she saw at work. This was a normal guy. One who was juggling a million balls in the air and trying to stay afloat. Maybe she hadn’t given him enough leeway. Maybe she’d been too quick to take offence at some of his words.
‘That’s a really kind offer,’ he said. His gaze hadn’t left hers. It was steady. And though it was only a few words, it felt like so much more.
He paused then added, ‘My nanny left around the same time as Georgie and my short-term replacement isn’t working out as well as I would have hoped.’
Clara nodded. ‘Well, think of me as another option. It’s not a problem.’
She wasn’t sure if this was her imagination or not, but she could swear there was something in the air between them. A weird kind of buzz. A smile danced across her face. There was something nice about this, relaxing. There hadn’t been much opportunity, between the two of them, to have some quiet time like this. The hospital was so busy—and she found him so frosty at work—that they’d been like ships passing in the night.
Her heart gave a little skip as Hannah adjusted herself on Clara’s lap. Clara swallowed, wondering if she was mixing up her feelings about motherhood with what she sensed in the air between her and her boss. That could be dangerous. And confusing.
But Joshua was still looking at her. She wasn’t imagining that. And, as his face started to crinkle into a smile, she was sure she wasn’t misreading the flicker of attraction in his eyes. She’d never pried into his life before. She hadn’t felt the urge. But all of a sudden she wanted to know everything.
‘And if you ever need an emergency babysitter for on-calls, remember, I’m just down the stairs.’
He stood up and leaned close, her nose catching the spicy scent of his cologne as his arms entwined with hers to pick up Hannah. For the briefest of seconds the tiny scratch of stubble on his cheek brushed against hers and she sucked in a breath, feeling her eyes widen as they met his.
His hand and arms were against the curves of her body as he grasped his daughter and he halted for the briefest moment. For a second their lips were mere inches apart and she wondered if he was going to kiss her. From this close she could see the tiny flecks in his blue irises and just how long his lashes were—completely unfair for a guy.
‘Thank you, Clara,’ he said huskily in a voice that seemed to ripple over her skin.
‘Any time,’ was her automatic reply.
He pulled back, lifting Hannah from her arms and heading out of the door of her apartment back to the lift. Her legs took a few seconds to move and by the time she reached her own door she only had a chance to give a brief wave.
‘Got to stop meeting like this,’ she whispered as the smooth steel doors slid closed.
Her heart was thudding in her chest as she shut her own door and leaned against it. Had that all really just happened?
She drew in a few quick breaths as she crossed the room, pausing to pick up the abandoned storybook still sitting on her sofa. Her hand ran over the back of the sofa, feeling the warmth from where Joshua had been sitting.
This had really just happened.
She kept moving, sitting down on the modern cream chaise longue next to the balcony and pulling up her legs to her chest. Part of her felt warm and fuzzy, matching the glow streaming in from the sunset outside. But part of her was a little muddled.
She’d started to feel a bit better—about everything. Work, the change of scene, her life, and what the future could hold.
Spending time with Hannah tonight had cemented something in part of her brain. She definitely wanted to be a mother. Whether she had a man in her life or not, if it were possible, she’d love to have children in her future. But was it something she should pursue now, or later? She wasn’t getting any younger. Treatments were tough. And expensive. She had to be realistic about things.
But should she really push away the chance of meeting a man she could love and spend the rest of her life with? Would any guy she met want to date a woman who was happy to go and do IVF on her own to have a child?
Things were so complicated. She didn’t want to view any po
tential dates as father material. She wanted to keep things separate in her brain, and in her life. But was that realistic?
She leaned back on the chaise longue and sighed, letting the warm orange glow bathe her face in its dimming light.
For the first time in for ever she’d felt a spark of something. She hadn’t even felt that when she’d been dating Harry six months ago. This was different. This was something that made her skin tingle, her blood pulse and the tiny hairs on her body stand on end.
It made her mouth curve automatically upwards.
Could it really be a ‘thing’?
She let out a groan. She was going to have to exercise the thing she struggled with most—patience. And just wait and see.
Darn it.
CHAPTER FIVE
