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He pointed to the duty room. ‘You look terrible and so does Clara. Everyone can see it. Whatever is wrong, it’s time to sort it out—for all our sakes.’ He put a hand on Joshua’s shoulder. ‘So, for tonight, and for what happens in the future with Kelly, thank you, Joshua. Thank you for coming in and looking after my niece. I trust you. I trust your judgement.’ He gave a sad smile as he looked at the door of the duty room. ‘But do you trust your own?’
* * *
Clara had been surprised when the phone had woken her in the middle of the night. Most doctors had internal radar. The nights they were supposed to be on call, they never truly slept properly, always waiting for a pager to sound, or a phone to ring. But on the nights they weren’t on call most slept like the dead.
It only took a few moments to grasp the situation and, even in her befuddled state, she was already out of bed and opening her wardrobe before the conversation was over.
As she’d arrived she hadn’t even looked along the corridor to where she guessed Joshua was. She’d gone straight to the duty room where Ron sat with a sniffing Hannah and gathered her up into her arms, letting her snuggle in to get the sleep she so badly needed.
She’d taken Ron’s hand. ‘I hope your niece is okay. I’m sure Joshua will get her sorted.’
Ron gave her a worried smile. ‘I hope so,’ he said before disappearing out of the door.
Clara sat for a while, thoughts spinning around her head. This had become the normal for her. Going over and over what she could have done differently. How things might have gone if Joshua hadn’t looked at the pile of recycling at the end of the counter.
It was odd. But somehow it felt as if it was meant to happen. At first she’d been angry and annoyed at his reaction to both things: the potential look for a sperm donor, and the empty packet of tablets.
But time and clarity had made her realise how damaging keeping secrets had been for him. The truth was, telling Joshua earlier would never have changed his wife’s outcome. But maybe it would have changed how he lived with himself after.
The door opened, letting in a sliver of light from the ward. She raised her head as Joshua took a few steps into the room and closed the door behind him.
There was silence for a few seconds. Just his presence made her skin prickle and as the familiar smell from his quickly sprayed deodorant drifted across the room towards her she blinked away the damp feeling in her eyes. ‘Ron’s niece is going to be okay,’ he said in a gravelly tone. ‘She’ll need surgery at some point, to sort her valve. But everything is manageable.’
Clara gave a sigh of relief for Ron, the quiet backbone of the paediatric unit. His family lived on the opposite side of London, but when there had been trouble he’d brought his niece here, to the people he trusted to look after his family. To Joshua.
There were only a few weeks left. Soon she’d be gone from all this. And the startling realisation for her was, no matter how bad things were, she didn’t want to be away from this. She didn’t want to be away from him, or Hannah. Not ever.
He took a seat opposite her. ‘Thank you,’ he said in a low voice.
‘You should have called me,’ she answered quickly.
He sighed. ‘I didn’t like to. I didn’t think I could. Not the way things are between us.’
‘We’re adults,’ she said as a tear spilled down her cheek. ‘We can fight all we want. It doesn’t need to affect Hannah. We have to do better than this.’
She could sense him holding his breath. The warmth from Hannah’s little body against hers was flooding through her. This was the life she wanted. With this prickly, sometimes argumentative man.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ he said so softly she thought she’d imagined it.
‘What?’
He raised his head and looked at her across the dark room. She could only see him because the blind on the window wasn’t down. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ he repeated thickly. ‘No matter what’s happened, how I felt about things—I don’t want you to go. I love you, Clara. Things are tough, but I’ve learned enough in this life to know that if you find love, only a fool lets it slip through their fingers.’
She couldn’t speak, her words sticking in her throat.
‘I want this to work. But I need honesty. I need us to be an open book to each other. I don’t want to fix you, Clara. I just want to understand how you’re feeling. If you’re struggling, tell me. If you’re not, tell me. I just need to know there are no secrets between us. I have to be able to trust you.’
She blinked back the tears in her eyes. ‘I don’t want to leave either,’ she breathed. ‘I was wondering how to tell your sister that I don’t want to go back to my job in Edinburgh. To ask if she’d consider staying.’ She let out a quiet laugh. ‘I was looking at jobs in London last night. Wondering where I could find some place down here. I’m sorry, Joshua, I’ve had some time to think about it from your perspective. The truth is, I’m not used to sharing. I’ve spent so long keeping things inside. There’s still such a stigma around depression—even though we both know lots of our colleagues suffer. I wasn’t sure how you would react, or what you would say.’ She glanced down at Hannah as her voice broke. ‘You might have questioned my ability to do my job. Or you might have thought I wasn’t good enough for you and Hannah.’
He was in front of her in an instant, his hands cupping her face. ‘No. Don’t say that. Not ever. I would never think like that. I love you, Clara, and everything that comes with you. I overreacted before. All I could think about was how hurt I’d been. How I hated the thought of someone I loved keeping secrets from me.’ He pulled one hand down and put it on his heart. ‘I know I can’t live like that. I hadn’t realised how damaged I’d been before. How much losing Abby had affected my ability to form other relationships. Before, I always had excuses. I didn’t want to get close to someone. I didn’t want to find out they’d kept something from me, or lied to me about something, because I wasn’t sure I could survive that again. It was easier just to keep myself in a box. To not expose myself to the possibilities.’ He took a deep breath. ‘You were the first person who made me want to put my heart on the line again. You, Clara.’
She blinked as tears streamed down her face. Her words faltered. ‘You were the only person I’ve ever thought could give me the life I wanted. The happiness. The family I always dreamed of. I just didn’t know how to tell you. To share with you.’
His fingers brushed a tear from her cheek. ‘I love you. Please tell me that we can both learn how to share. I don’t expect perfect—because I know I’m far from perfect. But I’ve found someone who makes me want to live life again. Who loves my daughter just as dearly as she loves me.’ He took a breath. ‘And who wasn’t afraid to put Hannah before me, before us.’ He looked into her eyes. ‘I understand that now. I understand how hard that must have been. And I know it was completely and utterly the right thing to do. I’ll get better at all this, Clara, I promise.’
Clara took a few shuddering breaths. ‘So, you can accept me as I am? Knowing that sometimes I might feel unwell. And you can’t fix me. You can love that part of me, just as much as the rest of me?’
He nodded. ‘Of course, Clara. It’s you. It’s part of you. Whatever you need, I’m here.’
She nodded slowly, letting the warm feeling inside her spread. Acceptance. Acceptance for now, and for always. No need to lie about how she was feeling. No need to paint a smile on her face and pretend things were always fine. The feeling of relief was overwhelming. ‘And what about later?’
‘Later?’
‘When I ask you about my other dreams.’
His brow furrowed slightly. ‘What other dreams?’
‘Dreams about having a big family. Could you see that being part of our future?’
His face broke into a smile. ‘If we’re blessed with a family, I’ll be delighted. If that doesn’t happen,
we can look at other plans. As long as we do it together, I’m happy.’ He clasped both her hands. ‘Just promise me you’ll stay. You make our lives complete. We don’t want to do this without you.’
The tears were well and truly flowing now. She pulled him towards her, so his mouth was only inches from hers, with only Hannah’s small body between them. ‘I’m only going to say yes if you kiss me and promise to keep kissing me, now and for ever,’ breathed Clara, her heart racing in her chest.
His lips brushed ever so gently against hers. ‘I can make the promise...’ his fingers tangled in her hair as his lips met hers again ‘...now and for ever.’
EPILOGUE
THEY WERE IN LUCK. It was the one sunny day of the year in Scotland.
It was strange being back in her old house. It was even stranger sharing her old bedroom with Georgie as they both got dressed for their double wedding.
Their dresses were entirely different. Georgie’s was more fairy tale with cream lace, slightly off the shoulder and three-quarter-length. She had tiny flowers woven through her hair, and her three-month-old baby lay kicking in the crib in the centre of the room.
Clara laughed as she held her breath and Georgie zipped her into her close-fitting, full-length gown. Outside, the white marquee flapped in the wind. They’d decided on a more informal wedding with a marquee in the field next door. Clara only hoped the farmer had managed to keep the sheep away. She stared down at her gown. ‘How long before this is covered in mud?’ she said, laughing.
Georgie fastened her short veil onto Clara’s head. ‘About five minutes, give or take how long it takes Truffle to jump up on you.’
She squeezed Clara’s arm. ‘I’m so happy that my brother met you.’
Clara held up one finger. ‘Don’t. You’ll get us both crying again. I’ve never seen Ryan this happy. And as for baby Isla. You’re making me broody.’ They both turned to where Isla was lying happily kicking in her crib with a big smile on her face.
There was a noise at the door. ‘Come on, girls. Let’s get this show on the road.’
The door swung open and both fathers were waiting outside. Hannah was jumping up and down in her long pink dress. ‘Hurry up!’
Georgie’s mum came inside and picked up her tiny granddaughter. ‘Daddy’s waiting for you.’ She smiled, before stopping to give each bride a kiss on the cheek.
‘Ready?’ Clara asked Georgie. They both nodded and made their way down the spiral staircase without tripping.
The wind caught their dresses as they walked towards the marquee, each on the arm of their father.
Clara’s breath caught in her throat as she saw Ryan and Joshua waiting next to an archway of flowers, both dressed in kilts. Ryan had Isla in his arms and was beaming as he waited for his bride. Joshua looked decidedly nervous, but as Hannah tore down the aisle in front of them he swept her up in his arms and shot Clara a grin. ‘Gorgeous,’ he mouthed to her.
Warmth flooded through her. All their family and friends were here. The double wedding had been her idea. As soon as she’d met Georgie she knew she was perfect for Ryan, and that she had another friend for life.
