For a moment, he looked uncertain. “You wish me to go?”
“You seem to have no particular desire to stay,” she retorted. Oh, blast her impulsive tongue! Why could she not have continued to pretend at nonchalance? Her hands clenched into fists, and she tucked them quickly under the counterpane where he would not be able to see them.
“I have no choice!” Was there actually a tiny bit of feeling in there, or was it just her wishful thinking?
“But it does not seem to trouble you, either! No doubt there is some Welsh girl waiting for you at the other end.”
He sucked in a breath. “You think I do notcare?” Now there was definitely some tension there.
“If you cared, you would not be so damned calm about leaving!” And she would not apologize for her language.
He squeezed his eyes closed and spread his fingers wide on his thighs, his knuckles white. Then, slowly, his hands relaxed. And when he spoke, it was in his ordinary unruffled voice. “I hold the King’s Bond, which means I must remain calm. Now. Today. Every day. Always. No matter the provocation. Anything else is too dangerous.”
She frowned. “Dangerous to you?” That made no sense.
His shoulders slumped. “No. To those around me.”
“Nonsense! I can think of no one less likely than you to become violent.”
“Not I! At home, the land can react on my behalf, even when I do not wish it,” he snapped. Then, after taking a deep breath, he added, “If you understood what the King's Bond means, you would not accuse me of lacking in feeling.”
She would not let him off that lightly. “Then explain it to me. Land that becomes violent? I think not.”
“It reacts to my moods. That is why I had to learn to control myself, to put anger and irritation aside. It was not easy, and I suffered for it. And now you think I do not care!” As if he could no longer remain still, he stood and crossed to the window, moving the curtain to gaze out into the darkness.
She stared at him in shock. Who was he? Had she ever truly known him? “What would the land do if you became angry?”
He turned to face her, his posture rigid. “When I was sixteen, and my Bond just awakened, my brother taunted me about something. I do not remember what it was, but it infuriated me. And the earth opened up underneath him, nearly a fathom deep. Thankfully, it cost him nothing more than a twisted ankle and some bruises, but it could have killed him. That should have taught me to control myself, but it did not.” He shook his head at the memory. “To tell the truth, I liked the power of it. Even though I knew it was wrong.”
“What changed?”
He grimaced. “There was a cruel youth that I despised. A stream diverted itself and drowned his field, destroying his parents' crops. My father forcedme to live as one of his family until I had repaired the damage with my own two hands, without resort to my Talent. It was hard labor and a long, cold, hungry winter. Even hungrier for me than the rest of the family, for I gave part of my tiny share to their youngest daughter, who was sickly and would not have survived otherwise. I saw where Hywel had learned to be malicious and unkind, and I discovered he had another side to him.” His voice filled with self-loathing. “I was an impulsive boy when I went, but I came home a man, a changed one. Now I listen to people and try to understand them.Because I cannot afford anything else.”
All the reasonableness she had so admired in him, his patience - was it truly something he was forced to maintain? What would he have been like, had she met him before the King's Bond had taken him over? Now her heart ached not only for her own loss, but also for the boy he once had been, the one who had given up his own self for his people, all for a throne he would never actually hold. But she dared not say anything for fear her voice would tremble, or worse, that she would lose her composure completely and cry.
He collapsed into a chair and covered his face with his hands. Even in the candlelight she could make out his effort to breathe slowly and deeply. Was this what he had learned, how to regain control of himself?
If only she had the same power! But she had never been able to do that. Words came out of her mouth, whether she willed them to or not. When she was angry, there was no hiding it. What had it cost him, to learn such strict self-control? Still, she grudgingly admired his restraint.
Even though she was furious with him.
Finally he sighed and dropped his hands. “I apologize for my loss of control. I should not have said any of that.” It was the same voice she had always thought was gentle, but now she could also hear the emptiness in it, too. “If you can find it in your heart to forget it all, I would be most grateful.”
Did he not trust her with the information? Likely not; as far as he was concerned, all the English were enemies to Gwynedd. But still it stung. “Ifyou wish, I will ask Quickthorn to put a binding on me so I cannot tell anyone.” But her fury would know no bounds if he accepted her offer.
He shook his head. “If you say you will not repeat it, that is enough. You already hold my life in your hands. Your government would execute me tomorrow if they knew I held the King's Bond.”
She could not argue with that answer, and his admission had somehow dissipated her anger. But she wanted at least a moment of closeness back. Longed for it. Ached for it. She said gently, “You have my word. I would never betray your trust.”
Finally a shadow of a smile crossed his face. “Thank you. And Frederica? If you wish to know whether I meant all the words I whispered to you night after night, just ask me, Truth-caster.”
Her cheeks grew hot. Of course he would not have lied to her – but then again, he had once told her that he could tell when a truth-caster was actively using her abilities. Perhaps he had known it was safe to say whatever would please her.
But those powers worked best when she was angry, so he could not mislead her now. Now she would get the answer she needed. “Do you wish to leave me?” she asked. If he refused to respond, that would be her answer.
“God in heaven, no!” It was heartfelt.
It was not enough. “Do I mean anything to you besides a temporary amusement?”
