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For a second she said nothing. Her mouth wasn’t hanging open, but it was obvious words were stuck in her throat. She sighed and put her head on the desk.
Not the best sign he’d ever seen.
‘I’ve no idea. I can’t work it out myself.’ Her words were mumbled into the top of the nurses’ station and under her waves of shiny hair. She lifted her head, her green eyes fixing on his. For a few seconds he actually felt clear-headed. ‘This is you, Donovan. This is your fault. You kissed me. You touched me.’
He half smiled. ‘You weren’t complaining. In fact, I’m not entirely sure if I did initiate that kiss. It felt pretty mutual.’
‘It did. Didn’t it?’ She thumped her head back down in exasperation then held out her hands. ‘Why is this so wrong? Why can’t this just be a simple boy-meets-girl?’
‘Why do people like Frank Parker exist?’ His eyebrows rose automatically. He still felt murky. The lights seemed unnaturally bright. But being around Grace just felt so natural.
She sighed. ‘Frank Parker. I hate that. I hate that whether or not I can date someone depends on what some lowlife said on Twitter.’
‘Who said anything about dating?’
She looked a little shocked. He hadn’t quite meant it to come out like that. It was almost as if someone had taken the safety filters off his brain and mouth. ‘Well, no. Of course. I didn’t mean that...’
He stood up and put his hand over hers. Zing. There it was. Every time they touched. For a second he felt a little light-headed. Had he swayed? Just as well there was a barrier between them, because right now he just wanted to take delectable Grace in his arms and pull her close to him. It was like this whenever they were around each other. As if some invisible force just pulled them together.
‘I don’t just want to date, Grace.’
There. He’d said it out loud. It went against every one of his principles. It went against every instinct to protect her from gossip. It went against his deep-rooted fear about not being on the ball at work because he was too busy thinking about a colleague. But he just couldn’t help it. He had to say it out loud.
His sensibilities didn’t seem to be in place today. He was thinking with his heart and not his head.
His heart. His brain was definitely stuffed with cotton wool today because he never thought things like that.
But how else could he describe it? Grace had lighted up his world these last few days. Every smile, every flick of her hair, every sway of her hips. All he could think was that he didn’t want this to stop.
He didn’t want to go home to an empty apartment every night and a dog who looked at him as if he’d been abandoned. Because that was just it, it didn’t really feel like a home. Even Casey wasn’t filling the gap that was there.
Was this what love felt like? Donovan wasn’t sure that he knew. Attraction to the opposite sex had never been a problem. Raging hormones had never been a problem. But this was a whole lot more than that.
He didn’t just want to have sex with Grace. He wanted to have a relationship with her. He wanted to make her smile. He wanted to make her happy.
He’d never even tried anything like this before. Maybe that’s why part of his brain kept screaming no. He didn’t want to do anything to hurt Grace. He didn’t want to do anything to make her vulnerable. If anything, he wanted to protect her.
He could feel heat rising in his skin. It felt stranger than before. Different from the usual effect of being around Grace.
There was a flicker of something in her eyes. He squeezed his shut for a second. The lights in here seemed even brighter than before. It was relief. Relief that he’d acknowledged the obvious attraction.
Kissing seemed like the obvious way to acknowledge it, but saying it out loud made it real.
‘I don’t know what it is about you, Donovan Reid,’ she said softly, looking at his warm hand over hers. She shook her head slightly. ‘I just know that in the last few days I can sense whenever you’re around, whenever you’re near me.’ The edges of her lips turned up by the tiniest margins. ‘This has to be real. Donovan. I don’t do this. I don’t feel like this around men. Not in a long time.’
Something clicked inside his brain. ‘Since the attack?’ His hand subconsciously squeezed hers.
‘Especially since the attack. I haven’t really felt safe around any man since then.’
‘And around me?’
‘It’s different. You’re different. We’re different.’ It was almost as if she couldn’t meet his gaze again. They were in the middle of a ward. Other staff were wandering around. ‘What happened in the caves...’ Her voice tailed off.
‘You’ve never told anyone that before?’
She shook her head. ‘No.’
‘Neither have I. A team leader who doesn’t like not having a clear exit route? It isn’t exactly ideal. Who knows where we could end up? It makes me feel like a liability rather than a valuable member of staff.’
Words. Words he’d never thought he’d say out loud. What was wrong with him?
She nodded in acknowledgement. ‘We make an unlikely pair.’ She drew in a deep, haltering breath. This time she did meet his gaze. Voices were starting to echo round about him. Noises increasing in volume then fading just as quickly. ‘I know you have reservations, Donovan. But you’ve just admitted you feel exactly the way that I do. We’re not Sawyer and his first wife. What happened to her was terrible, but that doesn’t mean it’s ever going to happen again. The DPA has made provisions for that. We could give this a chance if we wanted to.’
He could almost hear her holding her breath—waiting for his response.
But he couldn’t think clearly. It was easy to focus on Grace and the overwhelming feelings he had towards her. But he was losing perspective all around him. This couldn’t work. It just couldn’t. She was still waiting for his answer. The expression on her face was pained. He blinked. It was almost as if she was surrounded by fog.
Things were starting to feel unreal. Like some weird dream. He had to try and take some sense of control again. His vision was blurring. Was this what not eating did to you? Made you feel so muggy and unfocused?
He tried to straighten his thoughts. He wanted to tell Grace how he really felt about her. He wanted to tell her how much he hadn’t wanted to leave her room the other night, how all he’d really wanted to do had been to push her back onto the bed and feel the softness of her skin on the palms of his hands.
But the words just couldn’t form on his lips. Grace was a wonderful doctor. The last thing she needed on her first fieldwork trip was distractions. She needed a chance to make her mark on the team in her own right. Not with whispers and rumours surrounding her. He had to step back. He had to step away from her. He had to protect her.
‘No, we can’t. We can’t give this a chance, Grace. It has to stop here. It has to stop now. From this moment on it has to be a strictly professional relationship. Nothing else.’ She was shifting in his gaze, coming into focus then blurring. He had to be clear as he possibly could. ‘I don’t want anything else.’
* * *
Her face crumpled and she spun on her heel and strode down the corridor as fast as her legs would carry her. If she stayed a second longer she couldn’t be held responsible for her actions.
It was the way he’d just looked at her. As if nothing had ever happened between them. As if he’d never run his fingers over her skin, never felt his lips on hers.
He’d looked at her as if she were just a regular team worker he’d had no connection with at all.
And it cut her to the bone.
She’d been the one to walk away. She’d said at the beach that it had been a mistake. But he’d been the one to come to her motel room. He’d been the one that had kissed her as if he never wanted to leave.
Then, after what
had happened at the caves...
She knew now. She knew him. And there wasn’t another person on the team who knew what she did about Donovan. Likewise, he was the only person to know about her inbuilt fear, the one she was trying so hard to get past.
Whether he liked it or not, they were connected. And she felt it. Every single time she was around him. No matter how much he ignored her.
How could he not be feeling it too? Because this didn’t feel like a passing fling. This didn’t feel like some silly one-night kiss. This went deeper than she’d ever experienced before, running through her veins, tugging completely at her heartstrings. Every time she saw him her heart gave a little leap, her skin went on fire and her senses on red alert.
It was like a constant adrenaline surge. She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t sleep. She just thanked God she was still doing a good job. Because right now it was the only thing that was working in her favour.
* * *
Donovan felt like crap. His head ached, his muscles were sore and he felt as sick as a dog. He glanced at his watch again. Callum was due in a few minutes. Thank goodness. Right now every minute felt like an hour.
Grace was mad at him. And to be honest, he probably deserved it. When she’d snapped at him he just hadn’t had the patience. But she was right. About everything.
He should have been supporting her more. He knew this was her first fieldwork assignment and she’d more than proved her capabilities already. Dealing with sick children was always more difficult for any team member. Dealing with kids who had a virus with a potentially high death rate was another thing entirely.
He should have taken the time to have a private discussion with her about what had happened between them. He could have done this so much better.
