Maria looked at the giant bowl of candy on the table with apprehension. “Wow, that is a lot.”
“They had a few pieces after lunch,” I said, noting the jingle of my phone. “We got hotdogs.”
“Lunch! I’m so sorry, I didn’t think. I should have left you some cash.” She made a move to dig her wallet out of her purse.
“No, it’s not a big deal.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Besides,” I said and held up my share of the candy. “I’ve got my weight in chocolate.”
Maria laughed and the sound was lovely. I was so glad I could help her out. She worked so hard and was truly a great Mom, the kind I wished I’d had.
“Well, I’ll make dinner sometime next week, how about that?”
“Sounds good. You’re a great cook. Homemade meals are the best.”
“Yeah, and we will help, right Jaz?” Manny said.
The little girl nodded.
“Okay well, don’t forget to put your costumes away. We don’t want them getting damaged.” When the kids had gone into their tiny corner of a bedroom, Maria turned to me. She touched my arm softly. “You look great.”
“Oh,” I muttered, completely forgetting about all the make-up. “They did it. Looks like you might have your own artists on your hands.”
“I mean it. And thank you for taking them today. It means the world to me…and them,” she said, passing a sorrowful look toward the kids. “I wish I could be home more often.”
“They know you’re doing your best.”
Maria smiled vibrantly. “Luckily, we’ve got you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. My parents are great, but they’re getting up there. I owe you big time.”
“No, you don’t. Like I said before, I like hanging out with them,” I said honestly. She took a step forward, blocking me against the kitchen table. Her lashes dropped, something dark shining in her eyes. “I should—”
“I’m glad you enjoy spending time with them. You’re a great role model. I think we should grab coffee sometime. What do you think?”
My guts tumbled as she came closer. She touched my arm again. The pressure was nice but misdirected. This was what I’d wanted to avoid. It didn’t help that I’d inadvertently led her on all this time.
“Maria… I…”
Say the fucking words. I’m gay.I needed to be honest. It wasn’t fair to her.
She withdrew her touch and fisted her hand as if she were considering her options. She made a move as if she wanted to kiss me and I quickly stepped aside.
“I should get going. It’s been a long day. I’ll…talk to you later.” My breath caught in my throat at her hurt expression. “Bye, Manny, Jaz!”
My heart broke as I left her there, looking crushed. I hated myself at this moment. Why couldn’t I just be honest with her? I was afraid that she might not approve. And I couldn’t lose her and the kids. Besides Gabriel, they were the only good things in my life right now. I was terrified that if I lost them, I’d lose the will to live.
When I was in my apartment, I tried not to think about the whole thing. I washed the makeup off my face and put on a fresh T-shirt and pair of shorts. I took a seat on my mattress and searched the candy bag for a Snickers bar. I scored and shoved the chocolate into my mouth, savoring the smoothness of the nougat and the crunch of the nuts. I sampled a Milk Dud next, finding that it was too sticky for me. The minutes ticked by and the pile of candy wrappers on my nightstand grew. I laughed as he realized I was doing exactly what I told the kids not to.
The ring of my phone made me jump and I was happy to see Gabriel’s name on the screen. I picked up and said, “Thank God. You’ve saved me from myself. I’m eating all the candy.”
“You stole candy from children? Shame on you,” he teased.
“No!” I gasped. “They gave me a share and I’m eating it all. Distract me before I get a stomachache.”
His chuckle was warm and curling.
“What’s that sound mean?” I inquired, pretty sure it had something to do with us naked together.
