We shared a snicker. “Don’t I know? It’s always the shy, reserved ones that are the kinkyest.”
“Seriously? I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, because I realized something, but I don’t know if he feels the same way.”
“Damn. You fell?” I had his full attention now, his brows shooting up.
I shrugged meekly and stabbed my plastic fork into the filet.
“Not all that surprising. One amazing blowjob and the next thing you know, you’re thinking about planning your wedding. Oh, did you hear?”
“About Danny and Jere? He told you, huh?”
“He just didn’t tell me. He called and talked my ear off for a half hour about ideas for venues and decorations. To be honest, I’m humbled he thought enough of me to invite me to his wedding.”
“He’s like that. He cares about the people in his life and it’s nice to know he put you in that circle. I mean, you have your uses.”
“How you objectify me. I’m more than the skill of my hands, you know.” A playful light twinkled in his eyes, and I briefly wished we had worked out. He lowered his lashes and said lowly, “Or have you forgotten?”
I bit my lip to keep from responding. I wasn’t walking into that one. Gabriel had definitely taught me a thing or two about techniques in the bedroom.
“In any case, I'm looking forward to the wedding. At least I’ll keep his back in tip-top shape, so he’ll be at his best on his wedding night,” he said, wagging his brows. “I told myself this morning I’d behave and act my age. Looks like I’m failing.”
I winked. “See? You’re useful. And I imagine most old gays are as lecherous as eighteen-year-olds.”
He was quiet for a moment, a shadow passing over his expression. He shrugged. “So you fell, and are afraid of telling him?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
He leaned back in his chair and dragged his hand through his hair. “I wish I could offer you advice. I want to say I’d be upfront and share my feelings, but I don’t know if I’d have the courage to put myself out there and take the chance of having my heart crushed. Sex is safer than love, isn’t it?”
“I can safely say I've never been in love before. After experiencing the whirlwind of emotions with him, I think I’m in trouble if it goes south.” I dragged in a deep breath, feeling like I was off kilter from it all. “It feels weird saying it. I mean, love is just a word, amirite?”
“You give us old men everywhere hope we can find love in our advanced ages,” he said lightly. “Seriously though, I think you should tell him.”
“I know.” I mashed my cheek against my fist and pushed my food away. “What is it they say? Better to have loved and lost, than to never have known love at all?”
He shook his head and looked off in the distance, the lines on his face seeming deeper. Damn, we were getting old. He was one year away from forty and obsessed over his age more than I ever had.
“Sometimes I feel like we’re all a bunch of scared little boys stumbling through life, hoping there is another scared little boy out there that gets us. I thought I came close once with you.”
I reached across the table and grazed his knuckles. “Don’t, Gabe. I know where you’re going.”
He shrugged. “It’s how I feel sometimes. I can’t help thinking if I tried not being that way.”
“That’s bullshit. That’s like saying you want to trynotbeing gay. It’s who you are.”
“Loneliness makes us desperate, I suppose. Sucking off a stranger in public is losing its charm but it’s an involuntary need for me at this point.”
A little smile ticked at my lips. “Because it’s better if you had someone to share the experience with. Don’t apologize for liking what you do.”
“Okay. I’m going to be a grown up now. TLDR version is that I think you should tell him. The worst thing you could do by keeping your feelings to yourself is that you end up hurting each other, right?”
“It’s weird having you be all logical,” I said and looked away, not wanting to face the truth.
He shrugged. “I didn’t want to tell you about my proclivities for fear of exactly what happened. But if I didn’t it would have caused problems down the road. How would you feel if I’d gone behind your back because I needed the experience? And how do you think I’d feel if I hurt you like that?”
I nodded, conceding his point. Gabriel’s exhibition had been a deal breaker for me. “It’s my turn to be honest now. Public sex didn’t exactly terrify me. I’d taken part in enough orgies when I was young. The reason why I couldn’t do that with you is because when I was twenty-four, I made a promise to myself I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone unless it meant something.”
“You talked a bit about that before. I didn’t press you on it because I didn’t want to pry.”
