I will be okay.
But then the nurse asks me something as she inserts the ultrasound wand that I am not prepared for. “Would you like to see?”
Would I like to see?! What kind of question is that? Why would she ask me that?
Should I want to see? Do I say no? Yes?
Heart in my throat, panic lances through my chest, clutching my insides. “Yeah, that’s fine,” I mumble before I know what I’m saying. The nurse offers me a small, reassuring smile as she presses a few buttons on the machine in front of her.
I’m frozen. Can’t breathe. I don’t want to do this.
Turning my head toward Graham, he slips his hand in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay,” he mouths.
Is it, though?
“Alright, if you look right here,” she says quietly, and reluctantly, I do.
It’s a blob. I’m looking at a small blob that’s hard to make out on a tiny, dark screen. Clenching my jaw, I swallow against the rush of emotion hitting me all at once. My vision blurs, and no amount of blinking makes it go away. That isn’tjusta blob. It’s a little fetus that is the size of a green olive, according tothe Google search I did the other night, and that green olive will grow into a baby.
A baby I could hold, and take care of, and love.
My baby.
As if Graham can sense my inner turmoil, he squeezes my hand.
Our baby.
I can’t do this. I can’t go through with this. I don’t want to.
The nurse finishes the ultrasound and gets up, telling me something, but I don’t hear a word of it. I’m too focused on what I’m supposed to do now. Is it too late? Am I stuck with this decision I’ve made? Can I change my mind?
Oh god, I’m going to be sick.
Don’t do that. Don’t puke.
It’s not until the door clicks shut after the nurse leaves that I manage to find my voice. My blood is ice cold, body trembling as my gaze darts to Graham. “I can't go through with this,” I blurt out. There’s a level of hysteria in my voice that I couldn’t help even if I tried. “I don’t want to, Graham. I can’t!”
His brows pinch as he jumps out of the chair and wraps me in his arms. “Hey, shhh, you’re okay. Just breathe.”
“I want this baby, Graham. I’m sorry.” A sob hiccups from my throat as I shake my head over and over again, hot moisture spilling from my eyes. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t. I can’t do it. I want to have the baby. Please don’t hate me.”
One hand rubbing my back, the other on the back of my head, Graham holds me tight to his chest. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” His voice is so gentle. Soothing. “We can stop this right now and leave.”
“But it’s too much,” I cry against his chest. “You don’t want this. I can’t do that to you.”
Pulling back, Graham cups my face, forcing my gaze up to his. “That isnottrue. I told you I support you inwhateverdecision you decide to make. I meant that.”
“You have so much on your plate already, though.”
“That is for me to decide, and I know this would never be too much.” His thumb brushes under my eye, wiping away the wetness covering my cheek. “Do you want to put a stop to this? Don’t think about anything other than whatyouwant right now, Sunny. Are you not wanting to go through with this? Do you want to leave?”
My bottom lip quivers as a fresh wave of tears falls down my face. I nod. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Thank god,” he breathes before pulling me into his chest again. His arms are tight around me as I hug him back just as tightly. The relief in his voice is enough to bring tears to my eyes and have my shoulders relaxing. Graham holds me in his arms for a long while. I can feel his heartbeat against my chest, feel how fast it’s pounding.
So is mine.
Relief floods my system, and I can breathe deeply for the first time all day. All week, really. When he pulls back, it’s just enough to look into my eyes, and something passes between us, and suddenly, my pulse is racing for an entirely different reason. Graham doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. He pulls me into his chest again, and I hold on to him, needing this in a way I can’t explain. Just like that evening, all those years ago in the sunflower field, I need this. I needhim. The comfort I feel with him. Then his lips press to my forehead, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I forget how to breathe for a minute.
