“Actually, Alice,” I say as all eyes turn toward me. “You don’t have to fully understand someone’s decision in order to be supportive and happy for them, and I think Charley would really appreciate her mother being supportive of her decision.” I keep my tone as light as possible. The last thing I want to do is piss Charley off for the way I spoke to her mom, but I also don’t appreciate the way she’s speaking to her daughter. Charley was nervous enough as it is, and she doesn’t need this. “No matter how unconventional our situation is, your daughter and I are excited. We both want this baby very much.”
I can feel Charley’s eyes on me, but I don’t look at her. My focus is on Alice and that flabbergasted expression she’s wearing as she stares at me, her mouth agape.
“Well, alright then,” she finally mutters. “I’m happy for you two.” Shifting her gaze toward Charley, she asks, “How far along are you?”
“A little over twelve weeks,” she says softly. “We had an ultrasound last week and heard the heartbeat for the first time.”
I’m still reeling over that appointment. Having missed that with Ellie Mae, it was such an incredible feeling, hearing that strong, steady heartbeat. And experiencing that with Charley. I don’t think she’ll ever understand how much it meant to me that she asked me to be there.
“Oh, well, that’s nice, honey. How exciting.” Alice smiles. “What about the EMT stuff? Will that be put on hold?”
Charley’s jaw is tight as she breathes through her nose. “No, it’s not on hold,” she explains. “Next month, I’ll be taking the National Registry of EMT exam, and about a month after that, I’ve got a psychomotor exam scheduled. Those are the final things I need to pass before I can apply for the EMT certification.”
“I’m so proud of you, Char,” Jack says, his smile so wide, it wrinkles the skin around his eyes. “I think it’s incredible whatyou’re doing, and I have no doubt you’ll do great on both of those exams.”
“I’m very proud of you too, honey,” Alice adds. “I just worry about you. Pregnancy can be very hard on the body, and there’s nothing wrong with taking a step back if it becomes too much.” She holds up her hands. “Not saying it will, and I, too, think you’ll do fantastic on your exams.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Charley mutters, clearly not wanting to argue with her mom.
Standing, I clap my hands together. “Well, dinner will be ready any minute. I’m going to check on it, and then, what can I get y’all to drink?”
“I’ll just have water,” Charley says before her parents give me their requests too.
The rest of the evening goes without issue, and by the end of the night, Alice even seems more excited about the news. Once her parents leave, Charley locks the deadbolt, then rests her back against the door, letting out a deep sigh, her eyes finding mine.
“Well, now they know,” she murmurs. “And it could’ve been worse, I guess.”
“Come here,” I drawl, closing the distance between us. Her body crashes into mine, arms wrapping around my middle as mine circle her shoulders. “I’m proud of you, Charley. I know how nervous you were, but you did it.”
She peers up at me, her chin resting on my chest. “Thank you for saying what you did to my mom earlier.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” I say. “We’re in this together.”
With our proximity, I see the way her eyes darken a little, and the way they drop to my lips briefly. It’s so quick, I probably would’ve missed it had we not been so close. My heart kicks up speed. It would be so easy to dip my head down and kiss her and,fuck, do I want to. I think she may even want me to as well.
But then the rules come back to me, and I know I can’t.
Anything that happens between us needs to come from her. I may not agree with her rules, but I will always respect them. But if she ever makes the first move, ever indicates she wants something more from me, it’s on. I will kiss her until we’re out of breath, worship her body from sunup to sundown, and still want more.
That timewillcome, I’m sure of it. But it has to be on Charley’s terms. It has to come from her. And as she sighs and drops her arms, taking a step back, I know that time isn’t going to be tonight. That’s okay, though. I’m a patient man.
16
Charley, 19 weeks
It’s six a.m., and like most days lately, I’m wide awake for no reason other than I just can’t freaking sleep. It’s frustrating. Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I turn onA Simple Songby Chris Stapleton, keeping the volume low, and I place it on the bed next to my belly. I started doing this a couple of weeks ago, and even though I’m sure the baby can’t hear it, I like to think they can, and that it soothes them.
My body is changing so quickly, but it’s the mental changes that are the most interesting. Like how I think about this little peanut every single day, constantly. And how I wonder what it’s going to be like holding them for the first time, or watching Graham with them. Then there’s Ellie Mae. I’m always imagining how excited she’s going to be to have a baby brother or sister. She’s still so young, but she’s going to make the best big sister. Watching the way she loves on Biggie Smalls and the chickens; I know it’s not the same thing, but she’s so gentle with them and she loves being around them.
She’s noticed my ever-growing bump, and even though she’s too young to fully understand what’s going on, sometimes it feels like maybe she does. The other day, I got home before Graham, like I do most days, and I was sitting outside in the grass with his mom, watching Ellie Mae push one of the hens around in her little shopping cart like it was a stroller. When she noticed me, she ran over and hugged me before sitting between my legs and resting her head on my stomach. Ellie Mae proceeded to babble to my belly before she ran off again. The moment was innocent, but so sweet, and I definitely shed a tear or two because of it.
The most unexpected change is how hyperaware I am and the constant worry—about something happening to them during the pregnancy, or during the delivery, and worrying about if I’ll know what to do once they’re here. If I’ll be a good mom, a deserving mom. There was a part of me that worried about whether I'll be able to bond with the baby before they’re born, like maybe I’d feel no attachment to this life growing inside of me, but that’s already proven to not be true. There’s this fierce, ever-present sense of protectiveness for them, and I already know there’re no lengths I wouldn’t go to keep them safe and make sure they’re happy and healthy.
I’m lying on my side, a pillow stuffed between my legs—because that’s the only way I can get comfortable lately—with the song on repeat. I’m midway through the third listen when I feel… something. It’s barely noticeable, and had I been up and moving around, I probably wouldn’t have even caught it. I hold my breath and place my hand on my belly, then I wait. When it happens again, I gasp.
“Was that what I think it was?” I whisper to myself.
Did I just feel the baby kick for the first time?I’ve been not-so-patiently waiting for it to happen ever since I read you can feel kicks as early as eighteen weeks. It hasn’t happened, and I’vebeen bummed about it, but I think that’s what this is! It has to be!
