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* * *
For Grace it was a wonderful day. The love between the family members was clear. It reminded her of the relationship she’d shared with her grandmother. Aileen didn’t hide in the least the fact she was quizzing Grace. But it was all good-natured.
The family shot occasional glances between each other. But all of them were of warmth, of relief. It was obvious they were delighted that Finlay had brought someone to meet them. They obviously wanted him to be happy. Anna was mentioned on occasion. But it wasn’t like a trip down memory lane. It was only ever in passing, in an occasional sentence. And she was glad; she didn’t want them to tiptoe around her. Not if there was any chance that this relationship could go somewhere.
The board games were fiercely competitive. She paired up with Finlay’s dad and managed to trounce him on more than one occasion. When it got late, Finlay’s mum, Fran, gave her a little nod, gesturing her through to the kitchen where she was making a pot of tea. ‘I’ve made up Finlay’s room for you both. No need to go back to the castle. We usually drink tea, then move on to wine or port and some Christmas cake.’
Grace smiled. She liked the way Fran said it. It was like a warm welcome blanket. Letting her know she was welcome to stay, as well as introducing their family traditions. She picked up the tray with the teapot and cups. ‘Thanks, Fran, will I just take these through?’
Fran picked up the port bottle and tray with Christmas and Madeira cake and gave Grace a nudge. ‘Let’s go.’
Finlay met her at the door; he opened his mouth to speak but his mother cut him off.
‘I was just letting Grace know the sleeping arrangements. Now, we’re going to have a drink.’ She raised her eyebrows at Finlay. ‘I believe there was some cheating going on at that last game. I mean to get my revenge.’
Finlay slung his arm around Grace’s shoulder. ‘Are you okay with this?’
She knocked him with her hip as she smiled back. ‘Oh, I’m fine. I mean to defend my winner’s crown by all means necessary.’ She leaned forward and laughed. ‘Brace yourself, Mr Armstrong. You haven’t even seen my winning streak yet.’
* * *
Firsts. These last few days had been full of them.
It woke him in the middle of the night.
First time since Anna had died that he’d allowed the hotel to be decorated. First time he’d brought someone else to the castle. First time he’d kissed another woman and actually felt something. First time he’d introduced his family to someone. First time in five years he’d actually enjoyed a Christmas instead of working straight through.
First time he’d woken up in his mother’s house with someone who wasn’t his wife.
What was completely obvious was how much his family had relished having Grace there. He could almost see the relief flooding from his mum and dad that he might actually have met someone, and he might actually be ready to move on.
He could hear her steady breathing next to him. But instead of feeling soothed, instead of wanting to embrace the idea of listening to this time after time, he felt an undeniable wave of panic.
They headed back to London today. Reality was hitting. How on earth would things be when they got back to the real world?
He worked goodness knew how many hours a week. He spent most months ping-ponging around the world between various hotels. There was no way he had time for a relationship.
It was as if a cold breeze swept over his skin.
Guilt was creeping in around the edges of his brain. He’d brought another woman to Drumegan Castle and slept with her there. He’d let Grace decorate, feel at home, help clean up and make snow angels in the ground. Most of the time he’d spent with Grace at Drumegan he’d enjoyed. He’d only thought of Anna in fleeting moments. And Grace had been the biggest instigator of that when she’d brought out the ceramic angel. His last physical link to Anna.
The woman that he should have been thinking of. Not Grace.
He shivered as her warm eyes flickered open next to him. ‘Morning.’ Her sexy smile sent pulses through his body and he pushed the duvet back and stood up quickly.
‘Morning. I’ve got some work to do. Some business calls to make. I might be a few hours. I’m sure my mum will fix you some breakfast.’ He was slipping on his jeans and pulling a T-shirt over his head as he spoke. Grace sat upright in the bed, her mussed-up hair all around her face. She looked confused—and a little hurt. ‘Oh, okay. No problem. I’m sure I can sort myself out.’
There was no excuse. None. But he couldn’t help it. His head was so mixed up he just needed some space.
And that was easy. Under the fake guise of work his mum, dad and sister were delighted to entertain Grace for the next few hours. Right up until they were ready to head back to the helipad at the castle.
His mother’s bear hug nearly crushed him. ‘It’s been so good to see you, honey. She’s fabulous. I love her. Bring her back soon.’
His hand gripped the steering wheel the whole way back to Drumegan Castle’s helipad. All of a sudden he didn’t feel ready for this. It seemed rushed. It had come out of nowhere. Could he really trust his feelings right now, when he’d spent the last five years shut off?
He couldn’t help the way he was withdrawing. It seemed like the right thing to do.
‘I think I should be honest, Grace. The past few days have been wonderful. But up here—in Scotland, staying in the castle—this isn’t the real world. I’m sorry. I think I made a mistake asking you up here. I knew how you were feeling about Christmas, and I was dreading coming up here again, and I think I might have given you the wrong idea. I’m just not ready for another relationship. Not yet, anyway. I’m not going to be able to give you what you want, Grace, or what you deserve. You should have a partner who loves only you, who wants to settle down and can commit time and energy to your family. I’m sorry, but I’m just not that person.’
* * *
She’d stopped noticing the whirring of the helicopter blades. All she could hear right now was the quiet voice next to her. It was almost as if he was speaking in hushed tones so she’d have to lean closer to hear. But the truth was, these were words she’d never wanted to hear.
This morning had been awkward. This afternoon had been worse. She’d almost been relieved when they’d said their goodbyes to Finlay’s lovely family and driven back to the helipad at the castle.
She hadn’t been able to ask Finlay why he was on edge. And now that made her angry. She’d been close enough to get naked and make love to him, but she didn’t feel secure enough to ask what was wrong. Now, after giving her a Christmas she could only have dreamed of, he was unceremoniously dumping her. And he wasn’t even doing it that well. He might have waited until they’d landed at The Armstrong. At least then she could have walked straight down the stairs and into the bar.
She tried to push all the angry thoughts aside. Finlay looked terrible. He was pale and his hands were constantly twitching on his lap. He wasn’t the cool, remote man she’d first met. But he wasn’t the dashing businessman either. Who was it she’d actually fallen in love with?
Her heart stuttered. That was it. That was why those few words felt as if they were wrenching her stomach inside out. Slowly but surely over the last few days Finlay Armstrong had stolen piece after piece of her heart. From that first moment on the roof of The Armstrong, from that tiny stroke of her cheek. From the shopping trip for the decorations, the drinks at the staff party and that first kiss under the lamppost.
He’d recognised her aching and lonely soul and embraced it. She’d given him space. She’d understood visiting Drumegan Castle was hard. But she’d felt as if they’d stood shoulder to shoulder the whole way. When they’d made love on Christmas Day, and he’d taken her to meet his family on Boxing Day, everything had just seemed to be surrounded in pink clouds.
But the storm had
swept in. Why? What on earth had she done wrong?
She nervously licked her lips. The last few days had given her something else. A confidence she’d never felt before. She’d had a glimmer of a job that she might love. She’d found something she enjoyed and could be good at. It was a path she wanted to explore.
But she’d wanted Finlay to walk that path alongside her.
She lifted her chin and looked at him. Losing her gran had taught her one thing: love was worth reaching for and holding onto. She deserved love. She deserved to find happiness. She couldn’t accept anything less.
It was so hard not to reach for his hand. She took a deep breath. ‘I understand this Christmas has been hard, Finlay—I do. I understand that visiting the castle took courage. And it must have whipped up a whole host of memories that maybe you’d forgotten. But I have to ask you this.’ She met his gaze, even though it killed her to do so. ‘It’s been five years, Finlay. Five years that you’ve turned your back on love. How much longer will it take? Do you think you’ll ever be ready to love someone again?’
He could barely meet her gaze. ‘It’s been an amazing few days, Grace, but no, I’m not looking for love again. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.’
She breathed in slowly through her nose. She wanted to shout. She wanted to cry. She wanted to punch him right in the chest. Hadn’t he looked at Drumegan Castle and said he’d left things far too long? Hadn’t he said that in a few different ways to her?
She’d obviously misunderstood—and that was her own foolish fault. When he’d talked about the neglected castle she’d assumed there was some parallel to himself and his life.
But that was clearly all in her head.
Finlay Armstrong might be the most handsome man she’d ever met. He might be the only man she’d ever felt a connection like this with. He might be the only man who’d stamped all over her fragile heart.
She could almost hear her gran’s voice in her ears. She straightened her shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. He’d been right. She deserved so much better than he could offer. She loved him completely, with her whole entire heart. The one that was currently shattered all around them. She had too much pride for this. She wasn’t going to hang around waiting for any scrap of his attention when she was worthy of so much more.
She bit her lips as tears threatened to pool in her eyes.
No. She wouldn’t let them. He wouldn’t see her cry. He wouldn’t know just how much this hurt.
She kept her voice steady. ‘Then thank you for a nice Christmas, Finlay. But now we’re on our way home—it’s clearly best that we both resume our own lives.’
CHAPTER TEN
HE FELT WRETCHED. It was as if a huge cloud of misery had descended over his head in an air of permanence.
He’d been miserable before. He could buy the T-shirt and wear it. But this was different.
