"Really?" He wondered what else her intuition told her. Perhaps she already knew, had maybe even known before he did, that he was falling in love with her?
"So what brought this on?" his mother said with another chuckle and a gleam in her eye.
He opened his mouth, but his mom put her hand up.
"You're going to thank me for volunteering you to help with the Christmas program, aren't you?"
Roland had wondered what he was going to say. He could hardly tell his mother that they had both been the Secret Saint this holiday season.
He hadn't even thought about using the Christmas program as an excuse, but it didn't feel like lying. After all, it was Nelly defending him that had kind of turned his mind toward her, even before he knew that she was the Secret Saint.
"I suppose I owe you for that, along with a million other things that you've done for me since I was born."
His mother waved a hand and grabbed her purse from where it sat on the counter. "You don't owe me anything. You've turned into such an amazing young man, I couldn't be more pleased. Seeing you walk with the Lord and serve Him is all I could ever want or need."
She seemed sincere about that too, and he believed she probably was. Not only did his mother not typically go around talking about or saying things that she didn't mean, but all through his childhood she had always emphasized that that was the end goal: to bring glory to God. Not just for her children, but for herself. And to see a child that she had raised striving to do the same thing probably truly did make her happy.
"Are you ready to go?" his mother asked as she moved toward the door.
Maybe he'd been a little wrapped up in his own thoughts and feelings, the glow from last night, and knowing that Nelly and he had a friendship that he hoped might turn into more, and that he might be falling head over heels for a really wonderful, amazing woman.
But he hadn't noticed that his mom seemed... totally at ease and completely at peace.
"Aren't you nervous?" he asked as he strode toward the door, opening it for his mom so she could step out into the chilly morning air.
"Not in the slightest," she said simply.
"Because you believe that the test results are going to come back normal?" He felt like she was probably lying to herself if she had told herself that. Something was causing her exhaustion, and it could be something extremely serious. Something life-threatening.
He tried to shove that thought aside. He didn't want to think about losing his mother. She had been the rock all through his life, and the idea that she might not be at the head of their family, gently guiding each of them to walk with the Lord, there with her words ofwisdom, her calm strength, her beautiful example that he could look at anytime he needed to—the idea that she wouldn't be there... He could hardly stand it.
"No. I understand that I might get very bad news. I'm hoping I don't, but the possibility is certainly there."
"But you seem so... calm. Like you have total peace."
They'd made it to the car, and he opened the door for her and she started to sit before she said.
"I do. Whatever God wills is right. This is obviously something I can do nothing about, so God is in control of it. For me to think that I could do better by worrying or getting upset—it's silly."
She closed the door and he walked around his pickup, trying to figure out what to say.
Finally, as he opened the door, he could do nothing but blurt out, "But you might die!"
His mother just smiled. A peaceful, serene smile.
"I know. And then I would see Jesus. My parents are in heaven, and I have a baby that I lost in a miscarriage. She's there too. I can't wait to see her. There are lots of friends and family, your dad. So many people that I can't wait to be reunited with. Dying is part of life. And... I don't want to die. I want to stay here and be with my kids, to see them grow up. Nothing brings me greater joy than to see my children walking in truth, but if God wants me in heaven, I'm ready to go."
He jutted his chin out and gritted his teeth. He didn't want to hear that. He wanted his mother to be saying that if they got bad news, she was going to fight it, she was prepared to do whatever possible to live as long as she could. He didn't want to hear her say she was ready to go.
But, even as he marshaled the arguments in his mind, he knew his mother was right. Her thoughts were exactly in line with what they should be. And that's how he should feel too. Except he didn't.
"Did I upset you?" his mother finally asked after he had been quiet for the first fewminutes of the ride.
"Is it that obvious?" he said with half a breath. He wasn't mad, he was just... he loved his mom, and he didn't want anything to happen to her.
He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "I know you're thinking the right way. To let God handle it, and that whatever He does is right, but I don't want to let God handle it, because what if God doesn't do what I want Him to?" There. That was the problem. And that was almost blasphemy to admit, because how could The One who had created not just him, but the entire universe, be wrong? He couldn’t. And yet... he couldn't trust Him with his mother.
"I know that's the wrong attitude, and I know you have the right attitude. I just... I don't want anything to happen to you."
