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He shook his head. ‘What else am I going to do?’
She didn’t know whether to be grateful or upset. His background knowledge of some of the bases would be invaluable. But she couldn’t help but wonder how he felt about her considering going somewhere else.
It was the conversation that neither of them seemed able to have.
For the next hour he sat patiently next to her, filling her in on some of the details about the different bases she’d highlighted. It was mind-boggling. He could tell her about housing, facilities, airports. And if he didn’t know something, he knew someone who did.
After an hour and a glass and a half of wine, Katsuko sat back and sighed. Avery had an arm wrapped around her and she put her head on his shoulder. ‘It’s a lot to think about. I’ll need to have a talk with Blake about making a base of preference request.’
Avery shifted in the seat beside her. ‘When do you think you might do that?’ His tone was a little strained.
She shuffled the papers in front of her. ‘Whenever I’ve made up my mind. I’ll need to give a few options. I want to make sure I choose carefully.’
He lifted his arm from her shoulder and leaned on the table. ‘Have you spoken to Don?’
She pressed her lips together. It was a natural question. Her fingers slid up and down the stem of the wine glass. ‘I spoke to him last week.’
‘And?’
‘He seemed to take it okay.’
‘What about your grandmother?’
Her grip tightened on the glass. ‘What about her?’
‘Have you told her yet?’
She shook her head. ‘I won’t tell her until everything is final. She won’t be happy. I know she won’t. I’ll need to try and make some other arrangements in case she argues with her carers again. I think I’ll need to leave a deposit with another agency in case she refuses to let her carers in.’
‘I thought she’d already worked her way around most of the local agencies?’
Katsuko sighed. Even though she knew it was true she was trying to push those thoughts from her head right now. Everywhere she looked it felt like there were barriers to her going. The guilt she felt about her grandmother. The guilt she felt about leaving Don after everything he’d done for her. The blossoming relationship she had with Avery. Was she really ready to give everything up?
The lump in her throat that had appeared a few seconds ago started to seem larger.
‘Are you sure about this?’
Her reply was instantaneous. ‘Don’t you want me to go?’
There. She’d said it. The elephant in the room. She was finally calling him on this relationship. Finally asking what it meant.
Avery had a one-second look of panic. She could recognise it from a mile away. ‘Of course I don’t want you to go,’ he replied. ‘But if this is about your career, then I’d be a hypocrite not to support you. I’ve spent the last few years moving around in order to get the best experience that I could.’
She blinked. That didn’t quite sound the way she wanted. ‘What do you mean, if this is about your career? What else could it be about?’
He turned to face her. Darn it. Those pale green eyes were deadly serious. It made her stomach churn. She much preferred it when they had a wicked gleam in them, the one that usually led to...
‘It could be about running away.’
‘Running away from what?’
He bit his lip. He was obviously trying to find the right words. ‘From the way your grandmother makes you feel. From the way other people make you feel.’
Her mouth instantly dried. ‘My grandmother is just an old woman with old-fashioned views.’
‘Your grandmother has never accepted you for who you are. Don’t make excuses for her behaviour. By all accounts, she made your father uncomfortable, she’s made Don uncomfortable and she’s spent the last twenty-five years treating you as if you’re not good enough. I actually think you’re right to get away from her.’
She was stunned. And she hated the way those words made her feel.
‘Then why are you saying anything?’
‘Because I think you need to be clear about why you want to go.’
‘What right do you have to comment? You’re a fine one to talk about running away from family. You’ve spent the last few years doing it too.’
He nodded and pressed his hand against his chest. ‘But I know why I distance myself from them. I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to be like them at all.’ He held up his hands. ‘I see people in relationships here who look as if they’ll stay together for ever. I have no examples of that in my family. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if I’m even cut out for that.’
She held her breath. For a few seconds she’d been so annoyed about his words that she’d almost missed what he was telling her.
‘And that’s part of why you’ve moved so much?’
His eyes lowered. ‘I’ve never really tried to find out. When it’s time to leave a base I’m generally happy to. All relationships come to a natural end. I’ve never considered trying to maintain one when I’ve left.’
Her heart twisted in her chest. ‘And that’s what’s going to happen to us?’
Was this his idea of letting her down gently? Because it felt like an elephant had just trampled across her chest. ‘You’re not prepared to even try?’ She picked up the papers in front of her. ‘So, if I decide to put in for a transfer, that’s it? Goodbye, Katsuko?’
He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He closed it again and swallowed. He looked at her steadily. ‘What I think is that as soon as you tell your grandmother you’re going, she’ll make you feel guilty. I think you’re making a really brave decision. And the best thing I can do is back you. I want you to feel happy and confident about where you decide to apply. I want you to know that you’re a great nurse who’ll probably get promoted six months after you leave here. I want you to know that you’re good enough to go to any of these bases and they would be lucky to have you. You’re making decisions about your life and your career, Katsuko. The last thing you want is for someone to stand in your way.’
She pressed her lips together. There was so much she wanted to say but she didn’t want to make a fool of herself. What was the point of putting yourself out there, only to have it thrown back in your face?
She stared at the printouts for a minute. She was taking charge of her life. She’d thought she’d found something special. But maybe the connection she felt was all in her head?
I don’t want you to stand in my way, Avery. I want you to stand by my side.
Those were the words she wanted to say—she just didn’t have the courage to say them out loud.
She dug under the pile of papers and pulled out the one she’d left till last. ‘We didn’t talk about this one. What about this one? They put out a special call on Friday. There’s only three weeks left if I want to request it.’
He paled visibly and reached for the paper. It was almost as if he was trying to choose his words carefully. ‘Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan?’
She’d researched it until her brain had almost died from overload. ‘The combat support hospital is more advanced that some modern inner-city ERs. They’ve devised more patented technology there than anywhere else in the world. The joint theatre hospital at one of the bases is renowned the world over. You should know. You’ve been there.’
It was almost like a challenge. He’d talked about nearly everywhere he’d been and even though he’d told her initially that he’d probably learned most in Afghanistan, he hadn’t gone into the finer details.
He looked at her carefully. ‘Why there? Why now?’
What was he asking her?
She couldn’t have timed things any worse. It had taken her twenty-five years to fin
d someone she could consider a future with, and as soon as she’d discovered that, she’d realised she had to spread her wings and fly if she wanted her career to develop. Apt for an air force nurse.
She licked her lips. None of the words she wanted to say seemed right. And some of the things he’d already said prickled more than they should. Was he right? Was she running away from things? And was she running away from him too?
‘I think it will be good for me. I think it will give me the experience I need if I want my career to flourish.’ It was the kind of answer you’d give to an interview question.
His face was unreadable. She had no idea what he was thinking. Her insides felt like they were dying. She wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. She wanted to tell him that she spent all day counting down the minutes until she could see him again. Wanted to tell him that she didn’t even want to consider a future without him in it.
Her phone beeped and he picked it up from the table, frowned and handed it to her. It was her grandmother. Her fingers immediately started to punch out a reply but his hand closed over hers. ‘Don’t.’
The warmth of his hand sent pulses shooting up her arm. He was right there, right there in front of her but he didn’t have his arms around her. He didn’t have his lips on hers. The emptiness she felt right now was almost an ache.
‘Why not?’
He squeezed his eyes closed for a second. ‘How many times has she messaged you since she met me?’
