“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” His chin fell to his chest, and he shook his head a few times. “Why is this so hard?”
Well, that was an instant switch. What had she said to make him feel so bad? Now all she wanted to do was reach out and touch his hand. Offer comfort in some small way. Make his eyes dance again. Instead, she clenched her fingers together in her lap. “Note to self, do not tell a guy he reminds you of your brother.”
His shoulders bounced as a muffled chuckled rose from his hunched form. He raised his head, a small smile easing away some of the tension on his face. “Yeah, that’s never good. But seriously, I do apologize. It’s just that I like you a lot. I know we just met, and it seems crazy to feel such a…I don’t know…connection, but I do. I used to flirt with girls I was attracted to all the time, and I guess I fell back into that with you, but that’s not who I am anymore.”
He leaned forward, weight on his forearms, chest hovering above the table. “I recently gave my life to Christ, you see, and I’m trying to change, be who He wants me to be, but sometimes I’m not sure who that is, and I find myself struggling and slipping back into my old way of thinking and—” He suddenly stopped, his mouth frozen against the onslaught of more words. Breath whooshed from his lungs, collapsing his shoulders. “And making a complete idiot of myself by not shutting up.”
Puddle. Her center had melted into a messy, gooey puddle. It was her turn to lean forward. “Who said you were an idiot?”
He raised his palms in anisn’t it obviousaction.
She cocked a brow and sat back. “Now I know what you aren’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Youarean athlete, lover of musicals, amateur historian, but you are obviouslynotin possession of perfect vision, because I see an honest man who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. Who is seeking the right thing, even if it’s the hard thing, in a world that sells the easy thing even though it’s often the wrong thing.” She rotated her body in the chair, making a show of inspecting the entire room. “Nope. Not an idiot in sight.” She winked.
Umm…when in the world had she ever winked at someone before? Her cheeks heated. “Better get those eyes checked.”
Throat thickening, she reached for her water glass and downed half the contents. Now she was guilty of the very thing he had just apologized for. Flirting. What had she been thinking? She didn’t flirt. She didn’t even think she knewhowto flirt.
But he’d looked so torn up, realizing he’d fallen into what he considered old habits. And sure, he’d flirted a little, but he hadn’t made any inappropriate comments. In fact, the attention had made her feel special. It had warmed her in places she hadn’t known were cold. She couldn’t let him beat himself up over something that was more than likely a part of the personality God had created him with.
She’d been thinking how much she wanted to pick up all that he was putting out there. And in his vulnerability, he’d been putting himself out there on the table. His heart, his struggles, his life. He was inviting her in, to see it all—both the uglyandthe beautiful.
“I’m here to listen,” she blurted. Cut out all thoseors from earlier and the heart of her service in Germany boiled down to being still enough that she could hear the divine voice. Maybe her pronouncement wasn’t as long or deep as Seth’s had been, but it was what she had to offer to him in return. And as scary as it seemed, shewantedto be as open with him as he had been with her. But only as a friend, of course.
Seth nodded, not seeming at all caught off guard by her admission. “Listening for what?”
How much should she share? “You said you’re a new Christian, but do you believe that God speaks to people?”
“You mean audibly like he did to the prophets in the Bible?”
“Yeah, but other ways as well.”
“Sure. My friend Justin says that God speaks to us through the Scriptures, through the Holy Spirit, through the words of other believers. I’m sure there are other ways, too.”
Amber pulled her water glass closer to her, the beads of condensation on the outside wetting her fingertips. “I’ve felt God speak to me a few times throughout my life. A couple of years ago, I thought I heard him calling me to serve Him in ministry as a hospital chaplain.”
“You thought? You don’t know?” His voice gentled as if he knew how hard the admission was for her.
Her shoulders rose to her ears and then fell. “I’m not sure anymore. I’ve had people tell me I don’t belong in the theology program. That women shouldn’t serve as pastors, even though that isn’t the direction I plan to take.” She met his gaze, but the openness in his eyes caused hers to prick with tears, and she looked away. “God could be trying to speak to me through them.”
“Or Satan could be using them to discourage you and get you to turn away from your calling.”
“Yeah.” She sniffed. “It’s hard to know sometimes, isn’t it?”
He stared at her. Waited.
How did he know there was more?
“I’m also afraid that I don’t have anything to offer. That no one is going to be able to relate to me…or me to them.” She whispered the last part. Where was the server with their food? A distraction would be welcome right now.
“Why do you think that?”
She sighed and sat back in her chair. “I don’t have a testimony.”
His brows dipped. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I know what you mean.”
