Germany, Present Day
Amber stared at her computer screen, the numbness she’d felt in her core for the past hour crawling its way to her head little by little, tearing and changing the landscape of her mind like a glacier did the mountains.
She’d composed her response to the department head of her school, denying that she’d had any sort of relations, biblical or otherwise, with Seth Marshall and reiterating her desire to finish the program when she returned and start her career as a hospital chaplain. But the words had left her fingertips and pressed limply into the keyboard. There’d been no conviction behind her statements. No soul-burning passion that’d punctuated her declarations like there’d been with her entrance interview into the program.
Viral.
More than a handful of people had seen that article. She’d found it on social media, though searching for it reminded her of Martin Luther climbing theScala Sancta,the Holy Stairs, on his knees, whipping himself. Self-inflicted pain that didnotcleanse the soul. Over a million shares of the link so far.
She’d worried no one would be able to relate to her and vice versa, but now, on top of that, she’d have to endure the questioning looks as people sifted through their banks of knowledge to try and place her face. And then the dawning gleam in their eye as they recalled, oh, she was the easy girl who went on a humanitarian trip and ended up—
She slammed the door on that thought.
Either way, she found herself at the same place. Unequipped to do a job she’d thought she’d been called to do. Might as well be a contractor who showed up at a job without a hammer. Or a plumber without a wrench. She was only fooling herself if she thought she could really do this.
Her finger traced the ampersand pin cradled in her hand. The same one her brothers had given her to support her decision to go into ministry even though she was a girl. What would they say if she quit? They’d each hit their own walls in their lives. Michael had struggled to find his place in the world after his purpose had been ripped away from him in a freak accident. And Adam had let guilt turn him aside from what he was made to do. They’d get it, right? Thinking she’d heard God’s voice calling her only to now find out she must have been dreaming.
What about Seth?
She placed the pin on the desk and pushed out of the chair, flopping onto her bed while pulling her pillow to her chest and circling her body around it.
It scared her, how much she liked him. She’d had minor crushes on boys before, but nothing that felt like this. Like she was made of metal and his heart was a magnet, always pulling her closer to him. If they were ever to really and truly collide, she half feared and half hoped no one and no thing would ever be able to separate them. The force would be too strong.
But so far, she’d kept a safe distance. Close enough to feel the tug but still far enough to resist. What would it be like to let go, though? To take one step closer, give up restraint, and be swept toward him in a current. But magnets didn’t stop attracting once a single piece of metal clung to them. Their power continued to pull until it became buried.
But just like metal, she couldn’t turn herself off from his constant draw either. Whenever she was with him, her body engaged before her mind consented. The reaction was scary, but also exciting and thrilling. Like climbing into a roller coaster for the first time. She knew there’d be loops and drops. Her heart would pound, and her stomach would flip. But the ride would be wild and fun, and when it was over, she’d want to get back on and do it all again. That was how it felt to be with Seth. Whenever they were apart, she counted down the time until they could be together again. Her reaction to him was instant and untamed.
But there was more to consider than her feelings alone. She needed to think about Seth. His reputation. It meant a lot to him for people to know that he was a Christian now and that he’d changed. He wanted to live his life as a witness, and no one would believe his conversion sincere if things like him scoring with virgins kept getting printed and shared online.
And Kayla. The more Amber thought about it, the more she was convinced that Kayla had had something to do with the paparazzo being at the park in the first place. Even if she hadn’t, there were still unresolved issues between Seth and his sister. Things the two needed to work out. Together. Alone. Without her in the middle.
So maybe…
She swallowed hard.
Maybe she needed to move aside. Take that one step back that would remove her from his magnetic radius. The publicity would die down and focus on why Seth was really in Germany. And the reason had nothing to do with her and everything to do with his incredibly big heart and a few dozen kids who needed him.
If she were out of the equation, he could spend his time repairing his relationship with his sister instead of calling in requests and setting up the most amazing days of her life.
They’d only been on one date anyway. No big deal, right?
She whimpered and pulled herself into an even tighter ball. If that was the case, then why did it feel like she was about to cut off her own hand?
Stop being over dramatic.
Another person couldn’t become a part of her so quickly. The fusion of bonds took time to solidify, not mere weeks. This thing they had was attraction, plain and simple. In time, they’d both come to see that calling an audible “now” before things progressed any farther was the right thing to do. She could focus on knocking on heaven’s door to get an answer about the direction of her life, and he could get back to the two most important things in his: family and football—er, soccer.
She went into the bathroom and mopped up her face with a tissue, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, skin a mottled mess. She’d never understood when her friends had cried over boys in high school. Only solidified her no-dating policy and made herself study harder. But here she was, twenty-one and heart-sore for a man after a single date. Even so, she’d treasure the memory. It had been one of the best days of her life.
She sniffed and stared into her own eyes. Tried to infuse herself with the strength to do what must be done.
For Seth.
She firmed her jaw, picked up her cell, and stalked out of her room toward the center. Hopefully he’d still be there and she could say the things she needed to say before she lost her resolve.
The field was vacant, however, and it was only then that she noticed the first stars of twilight starting to shine on the horizon, the dome above her receding into darker shades of night by the moment.
Her stomach sank. Had the day really passed without her? Not only had she managed to stain Seth’s reputation but she’d shirked her responsibilities with the kids. She was never remiss in her duties. Ever. Trent especially liked to tease her—that she’d been born with the soul of a middle-aged drill sergeant.
