“Of course not now. But when you marry. Someday.”
I shook my head. “Not someday. Not ever.”
Confusion swirled in her eyes.
Best to get it over with. “When I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer.”
Her breath sucked through her teeth.
“I underwent surgery and chemotherapy.”
“I’m so sorry,” Nicole whispered.
“Lasting effects differ with patients, but after treatment, after the fear of the cancer spreading subsided, the doctor gave me the news. Chemotherapy had made me sterile. They’d hoped that after a few years…but nothing has changed. I won’t ever be able to father children.”
She reached out and lightly touched my arm for the length of a heartbeat, then lowered her hand. “I don’t want to sound blasé, but there are other options. Adoption, for one.”
She kept talking, saying something about how many fatherless children there were in the world. A ringing in my ears cut her off, like the audio feedback of a microphone.
“I thought we’d agreed to adopt?” My voice sounded hollow as I stared at the engagement ring lying in my palm. The same ring that had graced Veronica’s finger just minutes before.
Her eyes shone with tears, one escaping to run down her cheek. “I thought I’d be happy with adoption, but I realize now I was just fooling myself. I want to carry a baby in my womb, Drew.Mybaby.” She pressed her palms to her belly. “I want to feel the tiny kicks and hear its heartbeat at the doctor’s office. I want sonograms and morning sickness and the whole experience of bringing a life into the world.” Her voice broke. “I thought adoption would be enough, but I know now it’s not.”
AndIhadn’t been enough because I hadn’t been able to give her those dreams.
I blinked back the memories, desperate to bring the present back into focus. Nicole stared at me, puzzlement in the crease between her brows.
I let my foot slide from the wall to the ground. “Anyway, I know you aren’t interested in any of my explanations.But”—I emphasized the word and was rewarded with an uptick at the corner of her mouth—“before I decided I needed a haircut, that’s where I’d been. At the same pediatric oncology unit I spent a lot of time at as a teenager. I go and visit the kids there now and then.”
She absorbed my words before responding quietly. “And seeing those kids made you think of Sierra.”
“I just think she could use a bit more fun in her life.” I paused. Nicole had stopped yelling at me. Dare I add that she could stand to have more fun as well?
Her palms planted themselves on her hips, and a taunt entered her gaze. “Go ahead and say it. I know you think I’m boring.”
I took a step closer to her, fully in her personal space now. Her head tilted up to maintain eye contact. I poured all my confused feelings into my look. “You’re a lot of things, Nicole Applegate, but boring isn’t one of them.”
Her lips parted, but no sound carried past their lush softness.
Speechless? Nicole? My gaze flicked back to her eyes before falling again to her bow-like mouth.
Part of me was relieved we’d managed to finish a conversation in each other’s presence instead of one of us stalking off in a huff. The other part was disappointed her loss of words hadn’t been because I’d kissed her silent.
Then again, there was always next time.
9
Nicole
The door opened on a squeaky hinge.Really?I sighed. Yet another thing to put on my mental to-do/responsibilities list. And Drew thought I didn’t have enough fun. Little did he know spraying WD-40 on rusty metal was a blast. Right up there with snaking wet, gross hair out of the bathroom drains, cleaning up roach carcasses after spraying pesticides, and wrangling an ex-husband into spending more time with his daughter.
But yeah, loads of free time forfun.
“Sierra, I’m home,” I called from the foyer as I hung the keys on a hook by the door and put my purse on the entry stand.
“We’re in here,” she yelled from the back of the house.
I walked down the short hall that opened to the dining room, kitchen to the right and living room to the left. Sierra sat at the head of the dining table, a giant poster board in front of her and an array of colorful markers strewn everywhere.
