“I make exceptions for small things. A change in the menu or what present I’m going to buy someone. Not things that affect the twins’ futures.”
“Why?” She was a dog with a tug-of-war toy. She refused to let go and clamped her jaws tighter.
“Jill.” Lincoln tried to intervene.
“No.” She shook off his hand. “I want to know why.” She pinned Jeremy with a look. “Why do you insist on making and sticking to all these plans that you have? Don’t you think it would be better to accept the gifts that come along rather than reject them simply because they aren’t a part of your blueprint?”
Alejandro studied Jeremy. “Does this have anything to do with your sister and brother-in-law’s sudden deaths?”
Jeremy had forgotten how much Alejandro sat back to listen and observe. He was like Mackenzie in that respect.
Just thinking about her brought an instant ache to his chest. Seeing her every day at work and keeping his distance—not folding her into his arms, breathing in her scent, tasting her lips—would be agony. But one that he’d have to endure.
Maybe when she got the promotion, their paths wouldn’t crossas much. And she would get it if he had any say in the matter. He couldn’t keep competing. Not when the reason she’d been pushing herself so hard was to afford her mother’s healthcare. But maybe then the attraction and connection between them would slowly dissipate until things went back to the way they had been before.
That thought was its own kind of torture.
But he had his plans.Some warm company they bring, he thought with no small amount of sarcasm. Still, they were there for a reason.
“Jeremy?”
Alejandro’s voice brought him back to the conversation at hand. “Heidi didn’t have any plans in place in case the worst happened,” he said succinctly. No need to go into details of how much of a mess not having a will created. How hard he’d fought to give the twins a safe and loving home. “I won’t let that happen again.” A second blanket statement, but his friends knew how wide a net he’d cast with each.
The air grew thick with the heaviness of their discussion.
“What about God’s plans?” Jill asked, her voice much softer than it had been a minute before.
“What about them?”
“Are you leaving room in your strictly ordered life for God’s plans to unfold as well?”
The room was so silent Jeremy could hear the music from the video game upstairs.
Had he organized his present and future so much that he hadn’t allowed for God showing up with blessings? Even worse, had he shoved those blessings away because they didn’t line up with his own ideas of how his life should go?
“‘“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,’” Jill recited from Jeremiah 29:11. “‘“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”’”
“I told you to abort.” Lincoln attempted to lighten the mood.
Jill ignored him. “Just—” She paused, searching for the right way to phrase what she wanted to say. “Just be open enough to accept that Someone greater than you might know better. Be willing to follow His plan instead of your own.”
24
Jeremy lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. The yellow glow of a streetlamp snuck through the top of his curtain and crawled across the textured drywall above him. At first, he’d thought the light’s outline resembled a craggy mountain, but he’d changed his mind. After staring at it for this long, he could now make out the image of a wolf howling at the moon.
He rubbed his eyes, his vision going dark. Blank. The way he wished his mind would. Then he’d be asleep, which was what he should be at—he tapped the screen of his cell phone on the bedside table—2:17 in the morning. But he couldn’t turn his thoughts off.
Was Jill correct? Had he become so rigid in doing what he thought was right and best for the twins that he’d inadvertently and unconsciously told God that he knew better?
Jeremy massaged his temples. No matter how many times he asked himself or how he framed the question, he always came to the same conclusion.
That was exactly what he’d done.
Forgive me, Lord.
While he’d likely never adopt the ideology ofYOLOorcarpediem, he could become more lenient with how he envisioned the future. Less strict with managing every aspect of his life to fit within the parameters he’d determined would achieve the greatest outcome.
Which meant...
