But so much in life didn’t make sense. He’d given up trying to untangle the mysteries of existence a long time ago. All he knew was that he wanted to be near her, hear her voice, watch expressions waltz across her upturned face. Feel her smile. If only for a little while. Because a little while was probably all he could handle before things became too much for him. Everything always eventually became too much for him. Even the good things.
He glanced again at the clock. Lunchtime.
He hurried up to the house and threw together a few sandwiches, grabbing a bag of potato chips from the pantry and a couple of apples from the fruit bowl on the counter. He didn’t have a picnic basket to carry everything in, but he did have a backpack he used while hiking, so he placed the food in that, then beat a path back down the hill again.
When he stepped into the garage portion of the service station, there weren’t any other people around. Shuffling noises came from inside the bookmobile. Hayley straightening books and rearranging things, no doubt.
Levi would take advantage of the lull. He lifted his hand and knocked on the open door.
Hayley spun, a copy ofTo Kill a Mockingbirdclutched to her chest. “Goodness gracious, Levi, you about gave me a heart attack. How can a man of your size make so little noise?”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.”
She pushed back a strand of hair from her face. “That’s all right. Did you want to come in and look around?”
Her voice was so inviting that Levi couldn’t tell her no. Besides, he was actually a little curious. This van was another piece of her, and he was greedy enough to want to collect as many pieces of Hayley as he could.
He folded his body, ducking down and turning himself atan angle so that he could fit through the doorway. It was a bit of a squeeze, but he managed to accordion himself in such a way that he made it through. Although now that he was in, the small, enclosed space seemed to shrink even more. His shoulders knocked into the shelves on both sides of him and he had to hunch down so as not to hit his head.
“Oh dear.” Hayley covered her mouth, but her eyes belied her smile. “You’re a bit like Alice after she eats the cake and grows so big that she doesn’t fit inside the house anymore.”
He gave her a wry look. “I’m glad my size amuses you.”
“Not exactly the word I’d use,” she said under her breath, but not so low that Levi couldn’t hear.
Curiosity piqued, he wondered what word shewoulduse to describe him.
Hero.
Yeah, he still wasn’t believing that one.
Maybe he was a bit of a masochist after all. A good portion of his body was being touched by something—his arms by the shelves, his head and neck by the ceiling—and instead of squeezing back out the door so he could stand up straight, take in a deep breath, and shake off the sensations crawling along his skin, he lowered himself to his knees and pulled his elbows in tight to his ribs, making himself as small as possible to try and keep himself from rubbing against any parts of the bookmobile’s insides.
“Cozy?” Hayley asked, amusement still written across her face.
On his knees, he and Hayley were about eye-level. She met his gaze, not breaking away to peer over his shoulder or even using the book in her hand as an excuse to look away to reshelve the title. She studied him much the same way he’d been studying her through the blinds all morning.
Whatever skittishness he’d caused her when they’d first met seemed to have vanished, even with the outrageous way he’d behaved toward her.
Speaking of behavior ... “I’m sorry. For last night.”
She shook her head lightly. “You don’t have to apologize. I think I understand now.”
Understood what? Him? There probably was something about him that neededunderstanding, and he hated that. Why couldn’t he just be like every other guy in the world?
Case in point, every other guy would be reveling in this moment. Tight quarters with a beautiful woman who was paying them undivided attention? A perfect opportunity to flirt and be charming. Every other guy would be breathing in the scent of her. The scent of himonher. Of them. Mingled. That base, primitive, biological part of their brain triggered by the mixing of pheromones and the headiness of some sort of scented claim.
But the inside of Levi’s head had begun to look like Chernobyl right before the nuclear reactors exploded. Warning bells blasting, pressure building. He needed to get out of the bookmobile. Quick.
“Not cozy,” Hayley amended, sensing the change in him without him having to say a word. As if she could read him as easily as any one of the books on the shelves surrounding them. “Confining.”
He wasn’t sure how she did it, but one minute he was kneeling in front of her and the next she’d shoved him out the door.
He gulped in a couple deep pockets of air, his haywire nerves sparking less and less with each swallow of oxygen. “Thanks,” he said. “And sorry again. About that.” He waved his hand weakly at the open door.
He remembered when he was somewhere around the age of eight or nine, he’d asked his mom what was wrong with him. No one else seemed to have the same kind of trouble he did merely existing in the world around them, so obviously something must have been wrong with him. She’d gathered him on her lap and banded her arms around him like aboa constrictor—Mom gave the best kind of hugs, tight and heavy—and told him in a firm voice that there wasn’t anything wrong. He was like a superhero—like Spiderman and his spidey senses. Levi had forced a smile to try and erase the worry he saw in her eyes, but in his heart, he knew she was just making that up to try to make him feel better.
He wasn’t special. He was defective.
