“I’m not,” I argue feebly.
He rests his cheek on the top of my head. “Aren’t you?” he asks gently. “How many check marks do you think your donor’s family would say their loved one’s life was worth?” He squeezes me tighter as if trying to protect me, but he doesn’t stop trying to help me see the truth even when he knows the truth is going to bring pain along with it. “You can’t earn a gift of salvation by good works, sweetheart. No matter how many good deeds or how many notebooks you fill or how many volunteer hours you put in. You can’t earn it, and you can never be worthy by anything you do either.”
My heart constricts in my chest. It’s what I never wanted to admit spoken into existence and no longer able to be ignored. Facing the fact that someone had to die for me to get a newliver, that someone else on the transplant list didn’t receive the organ because I did, has caused a weight of guilt inside me so great that the only way I’ve been able to cope is with these notebooks. It’s why I think I’ve already decided not to go on another transplant list when my liver starts to fail again. I’ve already been given the chance for a longer life once, undeserving that I am. It would be unfair to accept such a gift a second time and rob someone else of the opportunity for more years with their families and friends.
It’s what makes this thing with Levi so hard.
I take in a shuddering breath, fist my hands into the front of his shirt, and bury my head in his chest. My thoughts and feelings are a tangled mess, all wrapped together in emotions that are just now identifying themselves as guilt, relief, anger, and anxiety. I should’ve talked to someone about these feelings a long time ago, but instead I let them tumble around inside me unchecked all these years. Now I’m one giant knot inside and I haven’t the foggiest idea how to go about untangling it all.
I let out my breath and gentle my grip on Levi’s shirt. His heart beats steady under my ear, his chest rising and falling in measured rhythms. Having spoken his piece, he now sits in silent support as I begin to process years of repressed truths. His firm, unwavering presence solid against my side continues his conversation even when words have left him. He speaks to my heart.
You don’t have to gothrough this alone. I’m here. I’m not goinganywhere.
31
There had to be something he was missing. Levi’s mechanical brain laid out all the pieces, fitting them back together like parts of an engine.
He’d stayed with Hayley for hours the other night, talking. Or rather, listening to her talk once he’d said what he’d gone there to say. He hadn’t known what words to use to make her feel better, so he’d simply sat there and held her tight, pushing down his own feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. This wasn’t about him. It was about her. But that just made him want to help all the more.
Which was why he replayed her words yet again. Stripped down everything she’d said to their individual parts. Inspected them. Looked for some way in which he could step in and make things run smoother for her.
Call him selfish, but his mind kept tripping over one particular thread of discussion—the future. The reason she hesitated to be all in with him. The fact that her organ transplant had an expiration date and the confession that she wouldn’t seek nor accept another donor liver. He understood her heart and her reasonings, and he couldn’t help himself but admire her more for them, no matter how much pain the thought of losing her caused. She said she “didn’t want to NicholasSparks” him, but he’d rather spend and cherish the days she did have than live in fear and premonition of an uncertain future.
Frustrated, he ran his fingers through his hair and tugged on the ends.
“Whoa, what’s got your panties twisted in a wad?”
Levi spun on his heel to find Jack standing just inside the open garage bay door. “What do you want?” he snapped. He sighed and let his shoulders drop. “Sorry.” So much for improving on his social skills.
Jack waved off his apology. “Just wanted to let you know we have to postpone the meeting with the town business owners. May’s daughter went into early labor, so she’s heading over to Charleston.”
Levi nodded, acknowledging the change.
“So, back to your panties and why they’re twisted.” Jack flashed a disarming grin.
Levi glared, unamused.
“Could your agitation have something to do with a certain librarian?”
Levi let out a grunt despite himself.
Jack’s grin grew. “I’ll take that as a yes. Trouble in paradise between the lovebirds?”
Levi folded his arms over his chest. Unfortunately, Jack had never found Levi’s above-average size and bulk intimidating.
“Whatever happened, apologize. I’ve heard flowers go a long way in softening a woman’s heart.”
Levi looked away. A dozen roses weren’t going to fix anything.
“Oh, it’s that bad, huh? Well, tell me what you did and maybe we can figure out how to make her forgive you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he ground out.
“Would she agree with that assessment, or is that your stubborn pride talking? I mean, I’ve been told by womenfolk that men do stupid things all the time that we’re not aware of.”
Levi’s hand made another pass through his hair. “We aren’t fighting. I’m just...” Was he really going to talk about this with Jack? “Worried about her.”
“Worried? About what?” Jack regarded him. “Wait. This doesn’t have anything to do with why she needs to be on prescription medications, does it?” He quickly sobered. “I didn’t realize it was anything serious.”
