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Luke left her at the desk and strode through to the canteen, where Reuben was busy asking Jan to make him the biggest pancake possible. He lifted Reuben from Lucy’s arms. ‘Will you go and see that Abby’s all right?’ he asked, and she nodded silently and headed back towards the door.
‘One extra-large pancake with chocolate sauce.’ Jan placed the plate on a tray next to a glass of milk. She glanced at Luke’s full arms. ‘Do you want me to carry this over to one of the tables?’
He gave a quick nod and walked behind her to a table looking out over the gardens.
‘I get the window seat!’ shouted Reuben, and wriggled out of Luke’s arms, plunking himself down in the seat next to the glass. ‘Yum, yum!’ He licked his lips in anticipation as the plate was pushed in front of him. ‘Can you help me cut it up, Dr Luke?’ he asked as he held out a knife.
Luke smiled and started cutting the pancake into manageable chunks. His mind was whirring with the possibilities of ALL. Had he seen something minor and jumped to a dramatic conclusion? His instincts said no.
‘My mommy’s the best cutter,’ murmured Reuben as he watched Luke’s efforts. ‘She cuts in triangles, they’re much easier to get in my mouth.’
‘Does she now?’ said Luke with amusement, as he tried to re-jig his efforts into triangular pieces. ‘How’s that?’
‘Mmm, it’ll do.’ Reuben lifted his fork and speared a piece of pancake, the chocolate sauce inevitably dripping down the front of his T-shirt.
Luke felt as if he was holding his breath. The more time he spent in this little boy’s company, the more familiar he felt. It wasn’t just the eyes and hair colour. It was his mannerisms. The things that he did without even realising it. The way he played with a little tuft of hair on his forehead, just as Ryan had. The way that his pinkie nail, and only his pinkie nail, on both hands was bitten down to the quick. The same way his own had always been as a child.
‘Whatya looking at, Dr Luke? Do ya want a piece of my pancake?’ Reuben was brandishing his fork, dripping with chocolate sauce towards Luke.
‘No, thanks, Reuben. You eat it all.’
Luke bit his bottom lip. Ryan had died of ALL and this little boy had ALL too. Four years old compared to Ryan’s fifteen. Life was so unfair sometimes. Children didn’t deserve a disease like this. Children didn’t deserve to suffer. Why did this little boy—Abby’s little boy—have to have ALL?
Luke raised his eyes skyward. Was somebody up there trying to send him a message? There was nothing in the world that Luke wanted more than the chance to have his brother back. The same wild wish or dream shared by every family the world over who had ever lost a loved one.
Maybe he could get a chance to do all the things with Reuben that he never could with Ryan?
But as much as he cared about Abby, could he really do this? Losing Ryan had been the single most painful experience of his life. He’d seen first-hand the devastation the disease caused. He would be mad to put himself through that again.
The swing door for the canteen opened and a still pale-faced Abby crossed the room with a weak smile on her face. She slid into the chair next to Reuben, giving him a kiss on top of his head.
‘Look, Mommy,’ he said, swirling a piece of pancake in the remaining chocolate sauce. ‘This is great.’
She slipped an arm around his shoulders. ‘I’m sure it is, honey.’ Her eyes met Luke’s, and she looked as if she were in pain. ‘I’m going to take the rest of the day off and go home with Reuben,’ she said quietly.
‘Do you want some company?’
She shook her head. ‘No. I need for us to have a little time together. Just the two of us.’
Luke nodded. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard her talk like this. Right from the start she’d said that Reuben was hers and hers alone. She didn’t seem to have made room in her life for anyone else. It was almost as if she didn’t want to share Reuben, and wanted to keep him all to herself.
But she shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden alone. He could see the haunted look on her face. He could almost reach out and touch the physical pain she was feeling. It was evident in every little line on her forehead and around her strained eyes.
Right now, for Abby’s sake, he had to try and make the effort. He had to offer her the support she so clearly needed—and that he’d never had. No one should have to do this on their own. And it didn’t matter how mixed up he felt.
She’d looked distinctly uncomfortable that morning, when she’d found Reuben playing on top of Luke’s bed. Something churned deep down in his stomach. Luke stood up and straightened his coat, walking around to Reuben’s seat. ‘Yuck! Look at those chocolate hands. What do you say that I take you to clean up a little while your mom gets changed out of her scrubs?’ He gave Abby a little nod as he bent to pick up Reuben. ‘See you in five minutes, okay?’
He held Reuben’s hands under the faucet. He could manage this. The simple stuff. The hand-washing and toy-soldier-playing stuff.
‘Why is Mommy sad?’ The innocent question almost stopped Luke dead. Children were so perceptive.
‘Do you think Mommy is sad?’
Reuben nodded. ‘She has the sad face on today.’
Luke knelt on the floor to face him. ‘Sometimes adults are a little sad. It doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything to make her sad, though.’
‘I know.’ He leaned forward and whispered in Luke’s ear, ‘When Mommy’s sad, I get to sleep in the big bed with her. My cuddles make her all better.’
Luke smiled. ‘Well, they sound like really special cuddles. I’m sure they do make Mommy feel better.’ He took a deep breath and swept up Reuben into his arms. What he wouldn’t give right now to cuddle Abby in the big bed. But if he wanted to find a way into Abby’s heart, he was going to have to let Reuben into his.
CHAPTER NINE
ABBY could feel the bile rise in the back of her throat. Her stomach was churning and she felt physically sick. Please don’t let there be anything wrong with my little boy. She sent her prayer upward as she finished signing a form at the desk.
‘Hi, Mommy!’
Her human cannonball sped across the department and wrapped his arms around her legs. She could feel the prickle of tears in her eyes.
‘I just got the best swing from Dr Luke.’
From Luke? Really?
Luke walked in slowly behind Reuben, touching her arm as he approached her at the desk. ‘Are you going home?’
His voice was quiet, steady. He knew exactly where her priorities lay and he was letting her know that he understood. For once, it was a relief to have someone around who knew exactly how she felt. Who didn’t prod or pry. Or ask a million questions. He didn’t have to—because he’d been here.
She gave a little nod and bent to pick up Reuben, trying hard not to let her gaze fixate on his legs.
‘Are you going to be okay?’ Luke’s concern almost made the hair on her arms stand on end. That reassurance. Having someone there to support you. She’d never had that before with Reuben. Last time around she’d dealt with everything herself. How easy it would be to have someone to lean
on.
She gave him a smile. ‘We’ll be fine.’ Her voice caught, she hesitated. ‘You’ll be home for dinner, won’t you?’
His breath caught in his throat. Home for dinner. It sounded like something else entirely. It sounded almost like a ready-made life. Something that right now he would kill for. For the first time ever he felt as if they were in the same place. He’d heard the hesitation as she’d said those words. She meant exactly the same thing he did. Home. He ruffled Reuben’s hair. ‘Of course I will. Do you want me to bring something in?’
Abby shook her head. ‘Oh, no. Reuben and I have that covered. We’re going to make something special.’ She bent her head, whispering in Reuben’s ear, ‘Aren’t we, honey?’
Reuben’s eyes gleamed conspiratorially. ‘Oh, yes.’ He nodded. ‘You’ll like it, Dr Luke.’
‘I’m sure I will.’
He watched Abby leave the department and walk along the coastal path, Reuben still safely held in her arms. As if she didn’t want to let him go. A slow feeling of dread crept through him. And it had filled his heart in a way he’d never thought possible. A way he’d never dared to feel.
This was about him. This was all about him. It was the first moment ever he’d actually taken some time to consider what his infertility meant to him. Not to Abby, or anyone else, but to him. He’d never admitted to anyone how much he wanted a family. He’d never admitted to himself that he might want a family. And until it was right under his nose, he’d never really known how much he wanted a family. And now he did. And it terrified him.
Abby was right. Families came in all shapes and sizes. And all with a possibility of heartbreak. Reuben had ALL. And he had already lived through that experience. Reuben could die. If he opened his heart to this little boy, he might have to live through all this again. Could he really do that? Could he really put himself out there to endure that physical, psychological, crushing pain all over again?
But what was more important? The chance to experience the love and joy of a family—no matter what pain came with it? Or the bury-your-head-in-your-career option? Where he pretended it was never what he’d wanted in the first place.
