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The President gave a little smile. ‘Jennifer got to pick the boy’s name and I got to pick the girl’s name. So our daughter will be called Esther Rose Taylor. After Jennifer’s grandmother.’ He gathered his wife and daughter in a warm embrace as the rest of the staff smiled and nodded at the gesture.
Esther, a biblical name. Just like Reuben’s. But Abby hadn’t got to choose Reuben’s name. It had been the one he’d come with and she would have never dreamed of changing it.
Abby felt her knees start to tremble and her arms start to shake. A beautiful, perfect baby. A little early maybe, but with the best care in the world. This little girl would have a better than average chance at life. But what about her own precious bundle? What would Reuben’s chances be? Her head started to swim.
‘Do you still need me, Linc?’
He looked up from where he was making a few notes and shook his head. ‘No, everything’s fine here. I’ll give you a call if I need a hand.’ He took in her pale expression. ‘Are you okay, Abby?’
She nodded wordlessly and pushed her way out of the room, her legs on autopilot as she strode down the corridor. Her hand reached into her pocket and she pulled out the hospital letter with Reuben’s appointment on it. She needed air. She needed clean, fresh air that you could only get from being outside.
All of a sudden she couldn’t be in there. But why now? Why, when it was probably the most important birth of the year? She hadn’t felt this way when she’d seen Valerie Carter’s new baby boy yesterday. But then again, she hadn’t witnessed the birth. She hadn’t seen the commitment and love of two devoted parents getting their first chance to hold their child—the child that would quickly become the centre of their whole universe.
And it made her want to cry. Because her little boy didn’t have that. He didn’t have two devoted parents and the best expert care in the world. He had one scared-out-of-her-wits mom.
‘Abby …’
She heard the voice shout her name, but ignored it, throwing open the outside door and walking out into the streaming sunshine. She tried to take some deep breaths, to fill her lungs and calm her heartbeat.
Seconds later a pair of arms swept around her, then a hand brushed her blonde hair from her eyes. ‘Are you okay, Abby? Did something happen to the baby?’
Luke’s voice was filled with concern, his arms supporting most of her weight while her legs were buckling under her. He pulled her over to the nearby bench outside the front doors of the hospital.
She sat for a few seconds, her eyes fixed on the horizon, her trembling hands in her lap. The hospital appointment card was screwed into a ball in her hands. ‘The baby’s fine, Luke. It’s a girl. And she’s perfect.’
The words broke her. Broke her last few seconds of stern resolve and she dissolved into tears.
And Luke just knew. Knew exactly what was wrong. The irony of the perfect baby wasn’t lost on him. Not while Abby feared for her son’s life.
He gathered her into his arms and stroked her hair. ‘One more day, Abby. Just get through today and we’ll find out tomorrow.’ He could feel the tension in her shoulders, the strain in her face.
‘I can’t do this,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t lose my baby.’
‘Stop thinking the worst. This might only be a minor setback. The bruises—they might just be that, bruises. It might not mean anything.’
The words made her angry, as if he wasn’t taking this seriously. She sat up. ‘You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Tell me something. Did you manage to get a good night’s sleep last night? Because I didn’t—I couldn’t sleep a wink.’
Her frustration was coming to a head now. ‘And don’t say “we”. Don’t say that as if you’re going to be here—you’re not. I can’t rely on you, Luke. I can’t let myself rely on you. This isn’t your life. It’s mine.’ She stood up now and started pacing around. ‘You don’t even like Reuben that much. Do you think I don’t know how awkward you feel around him? How much of a struggle it is for you to spend time with him?’
The whole world seemed to be exploding around her right now. Luke’s reappearance, Reuben’s threat of illness. And it was all her fault. She’d allowed him to slip back into her life. Because the truth was, she’d never stopped loving him. That’s why she’d never found room in her heart for anyone else. And from the second he’d walked through the doors of the ER everything had just fallen into place.
And right now it all just seemed so wrong.
Luke hadn’t moved. He sat on the bench and watched her pacing. She was venting her frustration and he knew that. Hell—he’d been there and worn the T-shirt. But she was right. And it was embarrassing.
He bit his lip. A voice echoed in his head—Ryan. Speak now or for ever hold your peace. They’d always joked that they would like to have walked into a wedding at that point and said something—anything—to the shocked congregation. How could he explain this?
‘Abby, it’s not that I don’t like Reuben. I do like him. I do.’
‘Then what is it?’ Her voice was clipped.
He swept his arms outwards. ‘It’s everything. It’s all of this. He’s just …so familiar to me. I feel as if I’m getting the chance to relive part of my life with Ryan all over again. And I know that’s wrong. He’s not Ryan—he’s Reuben—and I’m trying really hard not to get the two mixed up.’ He ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes met hers and he held his hand out towards her. ‘And then there’s you.’
She kept her arms firmly by her sides. ‘What does that mean?’
He stepped closer, putting his hands on either side of her waist. ‘This.’ He bent his head and kissed her gently on the nose. ‘I can’t separate out how I feel about you from all this.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand …’
‘You’re a package deal now, Abby, and I know that. I can’t have one without the other.’
Her hands started to shake again. ‘You’re absolutely right, Luke, you can’t. So what do you mean—you can’t have one without the other?’ She stepped back to distance herself from him.
‘You would prefer it if Reuben wasn’t here, wouldn’t you?’
He hesitated, for just a fraction too long as he tried to find the right words.
The tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘I’m trying to face up to the fact my little boy might be having a relapse of his illness—one that could steal him away from me—and you wish he wasn’t here? What kind of a person are you?’
‘Abby, no …’ He reached out to touch her, but she jumped backwards.
‘Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me again, ever! You’re right, I am a package deal. It’s not enough that you have feelings for me. I need you to love Reuben too. I need to know that if something happened to me tomorrow, you would be willing to step in and be there for him—not wish him away!’
‘You’re putting words into my mouth that I never said.’
‘You didn’t have to say them, I can see them in your eyes!’
He shook his head. ‘You’re wrong, Abby. That’s not what you see. You’re not the only one that’s scared here.’
‘Scared of what?’
‘Scared of losing something that’s infinitely precious to me. I’ve been there—and barely survived. I don’t know if I can do that again. What happens if I love Reuben and I lose him too? What happens if I watch you fall apart before my eyes? Do you think there’s anything about this that’s easy?’ He was suddenly conscious of the fact he was shouting. The more upset he’d become, the louder his voice.
He looked out towards the sea. ‘This isn’t about the fact I’m awkward around kids. I am, and I know I am. When I knew I couldn’t have children I distanced myself from them. I didn’t really want to know what I was missing out on. Because that just makes it tougher to take. I’m not entirely sure what a four-year-old wants in this world. I’m trying to relate to Reuben, really I am. But I can only base what I know on my own memories—memories of me and my brother.’
/> His mouth curled upwards. ‘But Reuben’s different. The likeness to Ryan aside, he’s not your average kid and I’ve spent the last few days seeing that.’
He took her hands in his and pulled her back over towards the bench. ‘I want to be here for you, Abby. I want to be your friend.’
She took a sharp intake of breath. A friend. What did that mean exactly? This was all too much. She didn’t have the time or energy to waste on this right now. She needed to focus. She needed to prioritise.
She pulled her hands backwards into her lap, as if she was trying to put some distance between them. ‘You’ve confused things for me, Luke. I thought I had everything I wanted here. Then you appeared and …’ Her words trailed off. She shook her head. ‘I need to concentrate on Reuben right now. We’ve got an appointment tomorrow at San Fran Children’s Hospital.’ Her voice grew quiet. ‘I’ve no idea what will happen, but right now …’ she raised her eyes again to meet his ‘… I need to be a mom.’
His hand reached over and stroked her cheek. ‘I wouldn’t want you to be anything else, Abby. Being a mom is what I always wanted for you. You were made for this job.’
Her face changed and he couldn’t read it. A multitude of expressions flitted across her face as she obviously processed her feelings. Her eyes fixed on the screwed-up ball of paper still in her hand. Luke felt as if he was on a cliff edge, dangling, waiting for the right or wrong words that could send him tumbling into oblivion. If only he could say what she really needed to hear. That he loved her and he needed her. And that he could be there to hold Reuben’s hand no matter what the outcome. But he had to be sure. He had to be absolutely sure that this was something he could do. And the one person he could talk to about all this wasn’t here.
