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Luke nodded slowly. The air in the room was quiet, his large hand was still holding Reuben’s small one—and he’d no intention of letting go.
Abby felt the cool breeze rustle through her hair. She could hear the sounds of bubbling water. Her heart had stopped clamouring. Her head had stopped spinning. She could finally breathe again. Where was she?
She slowly lifted her head from between her knees. She was outside the hospital entrance, in the gardens at the front, sitting on one of the benches next to the ornamental fountain. How had she got here?
She put her hands on her waist, arched her back and took a deep breath. It was a beautiful warm sunny day but she was cold. Her hand touched the thin blue scrubs she was wearing. They were damp. No wonder she was cold.
Her mind shifted and things came back into focus. Oh, no. Reuben. How was Reuben?
She jumped from the seat, but her legs were unprepared and they buckled underneath her. She had to get back up there. She had to see how her son was. Her eyes turned towards the hospital building. The light was reflecting off the tinted glass windows, causing it to blind her. A tall figure was striding purposefully across the grass towards her. She raised her hand to shield her eyes from the sun.
Luke. Her insides curled. What must he think of her? She cringed as she remembered the look on his face when he’d told her about his mother and the day she’d run out on Ryan when he’d been having his bone-marrow aspiration done. The disgust. The absolute disgust and contempt he’d felt. And now he’d feel that way about her.
She pushed back against the hard wooden bench. Would he yell? Would he scream at her? He couldn’t possibly make her feel any worse than she did now.
The figure came into focus. Like her, still dressed in the hospital blue scrubs. His tall frame blocked out the sunlight as he came towards her. She could stop squinting now and focus on his face.
It was blank. Unreadable. Had something happened to Reuben?
‘Luke …’
His hand reached out and touched her shoulder. ‘Reuben’s fine, Abby.’ He’d sensed her immediate fears and quelled them. He removed his hand and sat down next to her, the bench shifting underneath her at the weight, his hands clasped in front of him.
‘I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what happened in there. I couldn’t breathe. It was claustrophobic. I thought I was going to be sick—or pass out.’ The words shot out, one after another.
His hand reached over and touched her leg. It was warm, providing heat through her sweat-drenched scrubs. ‘You had a panic attack, Abby.’
She shook her head. ‘That’s ridiculous. I’m a doctor. Why on earth would I have a panic attack?’ But even as she said the words of denial, the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle started to fall into place.
‘Because you’re not a doctor here, Abby.’ He waved his arm towards the building. ‘This isn’t Pelican Cove. Here you’re a mom, with the possibility of a sick child. That’s why you had a panic attack.’ His lips turned upwards in a rueful smile. ‘It doesn’t have to make sense, you know.’
She groaned. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’ She ducked her head down between her knees, waiting for the wave of nausea to pass again. Luke’s hand was on her back, stroking her neck.
He was touching her. He wasn’t shouting. He wasn’t yelling. She felt the tears brim in her eyes. What did that mean?
Her head flipped back up and she took a deep breath. She studied his face carefully. ‘You must hate me.’
He shifted uncomfortably. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘The way you looked at me when I left the room. I saw you. I could see in your eyes how you felt about me.’
Luke leaned forward and put his head in his hands.
She kept talking. ‘I’m sorry, Luke. I know you told me about your mom leaving Ryan. I never, ever thought I would do the same thing.’
‘What do you want me to say to you, Abby?’
‘That you don’t hate me—that you forgive me.’
Silence. Luke was studying the ground at his feet. ‘I don’t know if I can say that.’ His words were quiet, whispered. ‘You reminded me of every reason why I hate my mother today.’
Abby’s voice caught in her throat. She couldn’t hide the desperation in her voice, she was clutching at straws and she knew it. ‘Do you think it’s possible she had a panic attack too?’
Luke threw up his hands in exasperation. ‘The woman would have to feel some kind of emotion to have a panic attack, Abby.’
‘How can you say that? How can you know that? Did you ever speak to her about it?’ She was tired, tired of Luke for judging her and judging his mother.
He jumped up from the bench. ‘Talk to her about it? You must be joking. If I wanted to talk to my mother about Ryan dying I’d have had to schedule an appointment in her diary!’
Abby could feel the anger rise in her veins. She jumped up too. ‘And you think I’m like her? I’m like your mother? Do you know what I saw in that room, Luke? Do you know what’s been haunting my dreams for the past few nights? Coffins. Little white coffins. Little white coffins being lowered into the ground. And it kills me. I wake up and for a second I don’t know if it’s real or not. And it takes me a few seconds to separate fact from fiction. And every time it happens I wonder if it’s a premonition. And here …’ she thrust a finger toward her chest ‘…right here, I know that if Reuben dies, I want to die with him.’
Luke opened his mouth and then stopped. The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle in his mind finally slotted into place. This was it. This was what it felt like to have two people more precious to you than anything else in this world. This is what it felt like to have two people you would offer to sacrifice your own life for. To take their place—no matter what.
Abby stood before him, her pale skin almost translucent, her eyes strained, her hair in disarray and a multitude of tears spilling down her cheeks. She had never looked more beautiful and it twisted something deep inside his gut.
He took her arm and led her back to the bench, giving them both a few moments to collect their thoughts. He took a deep breath. ‘You’re not my mom, Abby.’
‘But do you hate me? Will Reuben hate me?’ Her bottom lip was trembling.
‘Reuben doesn’t even know, Abby. He’s upstairs with Toni right now. I told him you’d stayed with him and went to the hospital store for a popsicle. He’ll be expecting you any minute.’
She heaved a sigh of relief. The weight that had been pressing down on her chest beginning to subside. ‘Thank you. Thank you, Luke.’
He saw her turn towards him, her face determined, her eyes steady. ‘Why are you here? You gave up on me. You gave up on me and my ideas about a family for us. You wouldn’t even try. I wasn’t important enough for you to give us a shot.’
He shook his head, ‘No Abby …’
But she stopped him. ‘Why now, Luke? Why, when I’m probably at the most difficult stage in my life? Why have you decided you want to be part of my life now?’
She went to open her mouth again but he raised a hand to stop her. ‘Let me speak. I’ve made a huge mistake. A mistake that started five years ago. I wanted you to be free to have a family of your own, the family you’d always dreamed about and the family that you deserved. I’ve made such a mess of this. These last few days, spending time with you and Reuben has been the best time of my life. I feel as if I’ve finally seen what a family could be, what a family should be. And I know, more than anything, that’s what I want. I love you, Abby. I want you as my family, you and Reuben.’
He heard her sharp intake of breath. ‘How can you say that after what just happened? How could you even contemplate loving me?’
‘Because I never stopped. I love you, Abby. I love you and Reuben. I want to be part of your lives.’
‘I love you too, Luke.’ She shook her head. ‘But this is just too hard.
‘It isn’t too hard.’ His voice was determined. ‘We won’t let it be. You don’t have to do this alo
