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He was exhausted.
He was embarrassed.
He was confused.
In the dim light, Gabrielle’s dark eyes were fixed on his. He could practically see the wheels spinning in her head.
She rocked on her heels as she watched him. Now she could see that he’d calmed down she was obviously contemplating what to do next.
This was a disaster. Not just for him, but for her too. She was Head of State, this was her first official royal banquet. She should be in the palace, attending to her guests—not out here with a man who was falling to pieces.
After a few minutes of silence she stood up and sat next to him on the bench. She rubbed her hands against her thighs. It was almost like she could read his mind. Like she knew he was already concocting a hundred reasons to explain what had just happened.
She took a deep breath and slid her hand over his, intertwining their fingers together. ‘What do you need?’ was all she said.
It threw him. He’d been expecting a whole wave of questions.
He looked up and out through the glass into the dark night. The gardens were peaceful, immaculate. If he hadn’t known the palace was just through the trees behind him, he could have sworn they were somewhere entirely private.
He said the first thing that came into his head. ‘I don’t know.’
Gabrielle pressed her lips together and nodded. She turned sideways on so she could face him and placed her hand on his chest. ‘From the moment I met you I’ve admired your physique, your muscles. But now I realise that the six-pack comes at a price. You’re too lean, Sullivan. And I know you don’t sleep well. You think I haven’t noticed, but you get up and pace around at night. Sleep is the one thing our body really needs. We need it to recharge. We need it to refresh ourselves. How long has this been going on?’
He swallowed, his mouth drier than he’d ever known it. She was leading him down a path, one he’d spent the last three years avoiding. Maybe not all the three years. But the symptoms had started pretty soon after his father’s funeral. They peaked and troughed. Just like now. Whenever he actually tried to focus some thoughts about what actually might be wrong, the symptoms intensified. Just as they did whenever he was due leave and might actually have to go home. Taking a call from Gibbs was always a relief.
It was almost like getting a licence for a few hours’ sleep again.
‘I can say it out loud if you can’t.’ There was definite sadness in her voice.
He’d disappointed her. Her hero doc wasn’t a hero at all.
He was just a guy who couldn’t hold it together.
She touched his cheek and shook her head. ‘But I don’t know if that will help.’ She lowered her gaze. ‘It was the Admiral, wasn’t it? It was seeing him. If I’d known that you knew him...’ Her voice tailed off.
‘You wouldn’t have invited him?’ The words came out much angrier than he’d intended.
She jerked and looked back at him. ‘I would have warned you,’ she said softly.
He cringed and closed his eyes. She might as well take a huge banner saying Sullivan is depressed and hang it from the palace.
He stood up and fastened the buttons on his shirt, grabbing his jacket and shrugging it back on. ‘I need some space.’
She stood up next to him and nodded, her expression hurt. He didn’t mean to be blunt but he couldn’t help it. There was no way he could go back into that room full of people. It didn’t matter that they had no clue what had just happened.
He knew.
Gabrielle knew.
That was more than enough people already.
Gabrielle picked up her skirt and took a few steps towards the entrance of the summerhouse. She turned back to look at him and licked her lips. ‘I’m here for you, Sullivan. I care.’ It was almost a whisper. Then she turned on her heel and disappeared through the trees.
Sullivan sagged backwards against the glass. How could she care? How could she care about a man who wasn’t really a man?
It didn’t matter that he was a doctor. It didn’t matter that he knew the fundamentals of depression. He’d recognised grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD in a number of his colleagues in Afghanistan.
He just couldn’t apply the same principles to himself.
This shouldn’t happen to him. This shouldn’t be his life.
But even as the thoughts crowded his head he knew how ridiculous they were. Depression could strike anyone, at any point, at any age, under any set of circumstances.
Gabrielle had vanished through the trees. His heart twisted in his chest.
He loved her. He wanted to love her.
But in order to do that fully, he had to deal with his own issues. He had to face up to the fact he wasn’t infallible. He wasn’t unbreakable.
Otherwise he could let the best thing that had ever happened to him slip through his fingers.
CHAPTER TEN
BEING A PRINCESS SUCKED.
Gabrielle didn’t want to be in a room smiling vacantly at visiting dignitaries and listening politely to their conversation. She wanted to be with the person who needed her right now.
The pain in his eyes had felt as if it had ripped her heart out of her chest. His struggle to accept he wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t the person who could do and be everything.
She didn’t want that for Sullivan. She’d never gone looking for a hero.
But Sullivan was too proud. He needed time. He needed space. She couldn’t be his doctor. She just had to be his friend.
And that was hard. She was used to fixing people.
But this wasn’t something she could fix. She couldn’t stick a plaster on his grief and magic it away.
He had to find that path himself. She only hoped he would let her walk it with him.
* * *
Sleep was becoming the invincible soldier. Too far from his grasp to really get hold of. When Arun knocked on his door after the break of day it was a welcome relief.
If he’d heard anything about last night he didn’t show it. ‘Dr Darcy, I just wondered what your plans were for the day.’
Sullivan rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He’d glanced in the mirror when he’d splashed water on his face earlier and knew they were bloodshot, ringed with black circles. He looked as if he’d gone ten rounds with a champion boxer.
The trouble was, his body felt as if he’d done ten rounds too. ‘I just planned on going to the hospital to review my patients. Nothing else. Did you have something else in mind?’
His answer came out automatically. He was a doctor. Of course he would go and review his patients. But was that really what he should be doing?
His mind had been haunted half the night with the sad expression on Gabrielle’s face as she’d walked away. She’d said she cared. Cared. It was a cryptic word.
He could have told her that he wanted to be free to love her. He could have told her that he did love her. But he didn’t want to go into this relationship damaged. He wanted to feel as if he could commit to Gabrielle. She deserved that. She deserved to have someone by her side who could support her in everything she did. Was he capable of that right now?
Last night, he’d had his first-ever panic attack when he’d came across someone in his father’s old dress uniform. It was clear he had a long way to go. Even if he was only admitting that now.
Arun was leaning against the doorjamb, giving him a cheeky kind of grin. ‘We chatted about the free clinics before in Mirinez. How would you feel about giving a helping hand today?’
His stomach did a kind of flip. He could find Gabrielle. They could talk about last night. He could sit for a few hours and re-evaluate his life. His plan. He could book a ticket home and spend some time—some real time—at the house he’d been avoiding. He could find another doctor—or a counsellor—to gi
ve him steps to help him deal with his grief.
Old habits were hard to break.
Work was always a welcome distraction. He gave Arun a nod of his head, reached for a T-shirt and pulled it over his head. ‘Let me brush my teeth and I’m all yours.’
* * *
She couldn’t interfere. She couldn’t.
But every single cell in her body wanted to interfere in every way possible.
She knew people. People who could help Sullivan if he’d let them.
She wanted to take him by the hand and lead him to that first appointment. Or be the person who sat down next to him while he just talked. She wanted to look at Sullivan’s face and not notice the dark circles under his eyes and know that he’d barely slept any of the night before.
