“Kids, stop bickering,” Alicia ordered again. She turned to Luke when we calmed down. “What I meant is that there’s no one way this works.” Luke listened to her while I pretended to be relaxed and like I wasn’t also avidly paying attention to every word. “It’s not quite as clear as sexual orientations like gay or straight. In general, it’s a lack of sexual desire or attraction.”
She paused to see if Luke was with her so far. He nodded and she kept going. “Some people do feel attraction and just don’t have an interest in acting on it or don’t feel it very often or very much. Some people don’t have an interest in both sexual and romantic relationships while others like me only have an interest in one. Like romantically, I can like either gender.”
Luke thought about that. “That sounds like being bi. Or can I not say that?” he wondered immediately after. “Is that not how you,” he paused for a moment. “Identify?” He sent us both looks, silently asking if he got the terminology right. Identify. I rolled my eyes. Alicia smiled at him and he looked pleased at himself.
Alicia nodded. “I’m bi. Romantically. Biromantic.”
“Hey, solidarity.” Luke fist-bumped her. Stupid Luke and his stupid dumbness. He was so clueless and I hated how helpful it was. That he could just ask anything, and it felt so easy for him because he was innocent and willing to hear her out and not weird at all. Him being here ended up being good. How annoying.
“Okay, back to the non-romantic part,” Luke said. “You said there were different kinds of asexuality. Which kind are you?”
“Not sure I’ve figured it out yet,” Alicia replied, which was news to me. I hadn’t known there was flexibility there. No, I didn’t totally understand the situation yet, so I shouldn’t think about Alicia and flexibility.
Alicia looked at me and then reached her hand out across the table to take mine. I gave her my hand and closed my eyes just for a second as our skin touched. Despite all the uncertainty and having this conversation in public, it was a nice moment.
Everything was okay for a second. I was just a girl, crazy about another girl, holding her hand here in public and not caring. Wishing all the other people could disappear or get vaporized, not because I was ashamed, but because people sucked and everything would be better without them.
Maybe what Al said made sense. Ace people had sex all the time. Or at least some of the time, most likely. Asexuality covered a broad category, and there were lots of reasons ace people might be sexually active, especially those who wanted kids and had the ability to create them themselves. I just… that seemed distant. I hadn’t let myself consider Alicia and I- well, I didn’t want to be disappointed.
I loved disappointed others, but having it happen to me? Way less fun.
Before I could figure anything out, the idiot next to me cleared his throat. “Just to be clear,” Luke asked quietly. “Nothing is broken?”
What a moron.
I tried to stab him, but Alicia had taken my knife and fork away. She was so great. Yeah, I really wanted to stab Luke. It was just neat that she knew me that well and that she didn’t want me to commit violence because she cared about people and stuff, which sounded really distasteful, but somehow worked for her.
She was so great. It’s worth repeating. I enjoyed being everything from the worst, to terrible, to crazy bitch monster. However sometimes, Alicia made me want to be great too. Even if it was for no one else but her.
