"There’s all kinds of things you do, compromises to keep a relationship working,” I told the barn. “I get that doesn’t sound romantic but that’s the reality.” That’s how it works. Just like I didn’t have sexual desire and couldn’t help it, Lydia did have desires that she couldn’t help either. “And it’s fine because just because someone lacks attraction or desire doesn’t mean they can’t still enjoy sex, doesn’t mean it’s a big deal to have it occasionally. It’s way for a lot of people.”
“Is it that way for you?” Luke wondered.
“I really want it to be.” I didn’t say no, so I expected him to call me on that.
“You should probably tell Lydia all this,” he said quietly instead.
That was the last thing I wanted to know. If I told her, if I expressed my concerns, that would make them real and all this… it was like playing a role. Texting Lydia that night, trying to be excited about this new step in our relationship, being a person who wasn’t totally opposed to this, I wasn’t really trying to convince her.
I was trying to convince myself.
Lots of asexual people had sex. It wasn’t a big deal. They didn’t love sex but they loved their partners and were able to include it in their lives. And some of them did like sex or maybe even love it, but they just needed to build trust with a person first or they didn’t need that kind of intimacy in their life but it could be enjoyable every now and then.
Lots of asexual people had sex. But some didn’t. They weren’t just uninterested or underwhelmed, they were averse. And I really, really wanted to be open to any kind of intimacy Lydia wanted.
I just… I wasn’t.
