He didn’t have to say it but I heard it anyway. We had a lot of stuff in common these days, just not great stuff. Us both being worried, the terrible sexy times we had together, the distance. Having things in common wasn’t necessarily great when it was stuff like that.
* * *
I got home from work and parked and turned off the car but then instead of going inside the house, I just… didn’t go in. There were always so many people in my house and almost all of them knew way too many intimate details about my love life. Except for Mom and Lily, thank god. If my little sister Lily knew about what was going on, I would get out of the car and lie down and just wait for death to take me. Game over, I had a good run, that was it.
I sat in my car, contemplating turning on music. Thought about going in. I just sat here instead. It was hot but that was okay. Didn’t bother me enough to move. I could turn on the radio but what if I heard my song with Ryan? Our song was a commercial for hamburgers. That was a long story.
Or, well. Our song was a commercial for hamburgers. That was it. I guess it wasn’t that long after all.
Don’t know how long I sat there because the car was off so there was no clock and I didn’t have my cell phone out, but one minute I was alone and then Lydia was getting in, sitting next to me, and closing the door. This was probably going to be a super fun conversation. Yeah right.
I groaned and that set Lydia off.
“We have to talk, Luke Chambers,” she told me forcefully. “I don’t care if you don’t like it because you owe me for all the conversations I sat through where you willingly stuffed your head up your own ass—"
“Hey—” I was here being a supportive friend, wasn’t I? Did I really have to listen to insults about myself? Who was I kidding? The answer was totally yes. That was how Lydia dealt with her problems: violently and explosively.
“That wasn’t even the worst part,” Lydia continued. “It was how I very nicely pointed out that maybe you should not put your head up your ass, but you enjoyed having your head up your ass so much that you never listened or maybe it was just hard to hear what with your ears being in your ass too. You know, with your head, because they’re attached.”
Such a huge lie that Lydia ever nicely pointed out something to me. I opened my mouth to tell her that and then decided that I liked living. I tried to sound nonthreatening while saying, “Yeah, we can talk. I never need to hear you say that phrase again—"
“What? Head up your—"
“That’s the one,” I cut her off.
Looked like Lydia was saving the information that I didn’t like her saying that for a later date. Rude. “Damn right we’re talking. I’m your pseudo sister.”
“Did I ever say I wasn’t going to talk to you? I’m here for you.” I patted her awkwardly on the arm. “Chill.” Maybe we could watch Clueless tonight. Yes, I just watched it. It was really good! And it was loosely based on some old book, so it was also educational.
Lydia faltered. “Just… it’s easier for me to strong arm you into it.” She looked a little lost now that she wasn’t badgering me.
I nodded. “Yep, I know how this works. I’m your pseudo brother.” I nudged her with my arm and she almost smiled. “This isn’t my first rodeo.”
The almost smile left immediately. “Don’t say dumb stuff like that.”
Note to self, always use dumb clichés when Lydia is upset. She hates it. Wait, note to self. Don’t do that. Live instead. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” I prompted.
“Alright.” She took a breath. “Everything is wrong. Have you not been paying attention?” I didn’t respond, so she had to continue. “Just because I feel attraction doesn’t mean I want to act on it. I can’t help feeling it just like she can’t help not feeling it.” Her voice took on a faraway quality like she wasn’t talking to me. “Yes, maybe there’s a part of me that’s curious about my sexuality, about being with another woman. I’d be interested in exploring intimacy if I was with someone else.”
“Have you told her that?” I asked quietly. It’s not very nice to shoot messengers; did I get that expression right? They just had the message and no weapons, so be nice to them.
Fortunately, she was too busy dismissing what I said to be mad at me for it. “She knows I’m not asexual too.”
Actually, it wasn’t very fortunate she was dismissing me without listening. Because she needed to freaking do what I was saying. “So that’s a no.” They needed to talk to each other. It could be difficult to connect with things you didn’t experience.
“What good would telling her that do?” Lydia wondered. “Wouldn’t it just hurt her? Like I’m saying yeah, I’d be having sex if it wasn’t for you.” She laughed without humor. “I should tell her that? That wouldn’t accomplish anything.”
I groaned. They weren’t talking to each other. And to make matters worse, not only were they not telling each other everything, they were somehow telling me instead. I groaned again. “God, this is everyone’s problem. On the planet always. It’s always the same. Nobody ever tells anybody anything and it always goes bad.”
Ryan and I could write the book on that. Was that the book Dad had been talking about? No, I wasn’t ready to think about that conversation again yet. Maybe when I was 85.
Lydia and I were both just looking at my house, not a fantastic view but nice enough, but even when keeping my eyes forward and on my house, I could still clearly tell Lydia was trying her hardest to find something wrong with what I said.
“I guess so,” she said slowly, like she wasn’t happy to agree with me. “But feeling something and knowing how to say it are two different things. Especially since I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Not telling her stuff for whatever reasons can just end up hurting her anyway.” I’d been with Alicia when painting the barn and it didn’t look like she was having a great time. And that was only, like, 40-50% to do with me, at the most.
“I never wanted to think about anything she might not be able to give me,” Lydia told my house while her hands tightened in her lap. “I thought that would make it too hard. Then she said, hey, we have options, and yeah, I started wondering about them.” Now she turned head to look out the passenger window, seeing all the houses like ours instead of our home. “Only she was just saying that to make me happy and now that stuff is in my head and I just need to shove it back down.”
