Lydia and I walked in silence, and it didn’t take long for my thoughts to turn crazy. As I was contemplating axe murderers, maybe my thoughts had already been in crazy territory, so my brain didn’t have to travel far. This was the way it ended. Not with a bang but a whimper...
Pretty sure the person who said that wasn’t talking about sex, but wow, that really worked either way. And instead of a beautiful moment with Luke, I was ending my night out here in the dark talking about the whimper with others, others who may or may not be planning to murder me if we had wandered into a horror movie. This wasn’t the end though, I had to keep remembering that. Even if it felt like it.
“Come on, man,” Lydia said. “It really will be okay.”
I thought about her words for a second. “Oh, I get what’s happening here. You’re the murderer. You’re not really Lydia.” They were wearing a Lydia disguise and the darkness helped too. “Protip? Lydia doesn’t do happy thoughts.”
“If I was going to murder you, you wouldn’t see it coming. I wouldn’t make rookie mistakes.” That didn’t exactly inspire confidence. It sounded like Alicia and Zach finally got that they had been headed in the wrong direction and started heading towards us. I heard their footsteps a little ways behind us. Hopefully at least Alicia would save me if I started getting murdered.
“Is that why you watch so much Snapped?” I asked Lydia.
“Wouldn’t be the best source material,” she mused. “It’s almost entirely about people who got caught.”
“You could learn what not to do.”
“Hmm.” It sounded like she was thinking about that.
Oh god. Was I the reason Lydia would go on to be the best/worst serial killer the world had never known, uncaught by the authorities and whispered about by children in hushed voices? Was this her origin story? I could not have all those deaths on my head.
“Thanks,” I told her. “For trying to cheer me up. Must have been difficult to not insult me.”
“I can do that anytime.” What a pal. “Seriously, even your bad sex is more action than I’ll get all summer.”
“Hey—” True, but I felt the need to defend my best friend. Lydia knew what she was signing up for.
“I’m not complaining. I’m just saying. Not everyone gets the first time they want. Could be worse.” She fell silent and so did I, and we walked back the rest of the way without talking while I thought.
Guess Lydia wasn’t the right person to commiserate with. Or maybe she was, maybe this was a reminder that there were so many things you couldn’t choose or control. But the bad experiences, the way you thought things should go, they didn’t matter when you found the right person.
At least, I certainly hoped so.
I didn’t want to worry but freaking out and jumping to conclusions was my natural state. I had so much experience with it and much less with being calm and not panicking. This was why we had a plan. It might suck but we could get through it. Who knew that would apply to our first time?
No, don’t think about that. Just, the plan was for me leaving. Oh god. I was already leaving but at least I had been leaving on a high note. Except now. I was leaving on a not high note. An awkward note. It might suck but we can get through it. We can handle it.
I hoped that was still true.
