Ted jumped in next. “Even the day you left, we didn’t really take it seriously without you. We’ll get focused eventually, but we need to be seriousnowto win. We need you nagging us.”
That sucked. Wasn’t sure I wanted to do that anymore, but I still wanted us to be at our best.
Also, was nagging or hassling worse?
“He’s right,” Kevin said. “We need you. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can get over you being gay as hell. Having you in charge is best for the team.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m bisexual as hell.” I guess. Didn’t seem that way to me, the ‘as hell’ part. I was the same, just with bonus Ryan.
Annoyance crossed Kevin’s face. Oh great, what did I do now? “Why do you always do that? Bring up being bi.” His look told me I should stop doing that, but I wasn’t sure why.
I hated word problems. “Because I am?” The question was more, well, what was happening?
“It’s just weird the way you’re always like, ‘I’m not gay. I still like girls.’” He scoffed, then took a breath, and the irritation left him. He didn’t sound disgusted or mean next, just like he didn’t understand. “Are you trying to cover your bases or something?”
“Why not? I do play baseball,” I tried to joke even though my throat felt a little tight. It sucked if I wasn’t good at covering the bases anymore; I freaking played baseball!
“At the end of the day, you’ve still got a boyfriend. That’s all anyone sees.” He didn’t sound disgusted or mean, but the words still almost felt that way, even though it wasn’t how he meant them. “How is that supposed to seem anything other than gay?”
I looked at Ted for help, but he just shrugged and raised his hands, telling me I was on my own. He nodded at Kevin, making a little gesture and basically telling me to get on with it. At least he didn’t seem weird about any of this, which in itself was kind of weird, but I focused on Kevin.
“I’m gay except I’m not gay,” I said slowly, failing to find the right way to put it. “Not the way you’re thinking of it.” That’s why I pointed out I was bi, because when some people said gay it seemed like they thought that meant something specific that didn’t apply to me. “Bi is different.”
“Because you’re not all the way get yet?” He rolled his eyes. “You still like girls for now, real great.” Didn’t seem like he thought liking girls was going to last.
“There’s no still,” I said, trying to be patient so maybe he would actually listen. “There’s no for now. There’s just both.”
How was I already tired of this conversation? I was at the beginning of alifetimeof trying to explain this. I shouldn’t be tired of it. I needed to pace myself.
“I just don’t know if I believe that,” Kevin said and shrugged. “It’s like you’re trying to make us feel better, but you end up making it worse.”
“Not about you, it’s just the truth.” I stared forcefully, as if I could just transmit the words I couldn’t articulate into his head through willpower alone.
Kevin shook his head. “I just don’t get it.” Class would probably be better than this. I was gonna leave. “What don’t I get?” he asked. “Explain it to me.” He stood there next, waiting.
Oh.
I didn’t really expect that. For him to, like, actually be open to what I had to say about the subject. Just thought he was telling me that while I may not be gay, I wasn’t straight enough for comfort. That any gay was too much gay. But he seemed willing to listen, so I thought about it.
Also, I totally deserved this. I couldnotwrap my head around Zach being bi for the longest time. A lot of it, I think, came from the fear that him being bi just seemed too simple. He couldn’t just bi forever, right? If that’s how it worked, maybe it could fit me too. And I wasn’t ready for the label yet.
That was most of it but some of it was me being dumb, thinking I understood something I didn’t know anything about. Believing all the bullshit I’d heard over the years. Thinking he had to go gay eventually. He was being greedy or he was confused.
So okay, I deserved this. I had thought like Kevin once. I learned. Maybe he could too?
“Uh,” I began, off to a great start. “I really wanna give you a good answer, but I have no idea what to say.”
Ted laughed. “Batting 1000 there, Chambers.”
I glared. Now he speaks up? “You’re not helping.” Wait, baseball! “Okay,” I said, nodding and looking at Kevin. “Remember how you learned to hit sliders last year?”
“Did I miss something? What does memory lane have anything to do with this?” Kevin looked to Ted, but Ted shook his head, he had no idea what I was talking about either.
“No, I’m serious,” I told him. “After you learned to hit sliders, youalwaysswung at them. Even when you shouldn’t. Even if it was high, even when it was too far away, and for some reason,especiallywhen it was both of those things, you couldn’t resist swinging at it, and coach would swear for a solid ten seconds in the dugout—"
“Wasn’t that bad,” he protested sheepishly. “Think he kept it up just so I’d hear when I got back.”
That was during practice. Kevin didn’t play much yet. Aside from everything going on right now, I liked Kevin. He worked hard, and he was probably gonna get a lot more playing time now that he was a junior. Being able to hit sliders was supposed to make him a better hitter, and it did, eventually. It was weird how first he had to get a lot worse.
