Ryan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m gay, ew, women are icky, but only in a romantic capacity. There’s nothing wrong with women.” He gave me a frank look. “They’re not spiders.Spidersare obviously the scariest.”
“I don’t know what we’re talking about,” I admitted. Thought it would become clear with time but nope, just getting more confusing.
“The gems are these odd colored women with magic and the crystal ones protect the Earth,” Ryan said and went even further off topic.
I closed my eyes for a moment. Not to fall asleep but because it was relaxing, listening to Ryan ramble on about something I had no knowledge of. Ryan ran a finger over my face, tracing the slope of my noise lightly.
“The theme song says people depend on them,” he continued. “Except people mostly seem confused by them. Sometimes, yeah, someone says, ‘hey, let’s call those weird women,’ but they’re not like the Avengers or Powerpuff Girls or something. People probably knew who they were thousands of years ago. Now they’re just strange ladies that no one understands, and it doesn’t matter because they fight anyway.” He bopped my nose.
“What are you talking about?” I had to ask.
“It’s a cartoon.Steven Universe.”I think Lily watches that. Because it’s a children’s cartoon.
This is my fault. This is the person I went to for advice. “I have such a mature boyfriend.” I opened my eyes to give him an unimpressed look.
This is the person who my brain listens to when it doesn’t listen to me or Zach or anyone else. This is the person I love. And I can’t hate him for talking about cartoons right now, because of the love, so I blamed myself instead.
“No, Alicia and Lydia got me into it,” Ryan explained.
Oh. Good work, brain! We uncovered this vital piece of information. “Lydia watches a cartoon? That’s great.” I loved when there was less making fun of me and more making fun of her.
“Come on,” Ryan defended. “It’s good and queer, so that’s a double win.”
Wanted to argue with that, for the sake of making fun of Lydia, but… Damn. That was a good argument. See, I was a genius for coming to Ryan.
“Cartoons are gay now?” I had no idea.
“Cartoons are gay now!” he shouted happily.
I tried to move away as he shouted right in my ear, so of course he held onto me tightly.
Cartoons were gay now. Cool.
The world was changing. Gay people were everywhere now. Okay, not everywhere. Or yes, everywhere. But they were always everywhere and now were allowed to be themselves openly in more places than ever. Even in small communities like this. Even at bar mitzvahs. Even in cartoons.
Not with sports. Not yet. Guys seemed to wait until they were done playing pro to come out.
“As much as I enjoy having adventures with you, it’s a little surprising,” Ryan admitted. “Figured you’d go back to the team eventually. You were excited about leading the baseball players to victory, giving each other sponge baths—”
“That doesn’t happen,” I tried to inform him.
“Kissing a little after a win,” he continued. “Feeling each other up. Isn’t that how the baseball lingo for sexy times started?” Oh, like getting to first base or second. I had no idea if that’s where that came from.
I didn’t keep thinking about it because Ryan got close to the point again. “Some of the guys on your team are the worst but that shouldn’t stop you from being awesome. Because then it’s not them taking the awesome away from you, they can’t do that. You can change yourself in reaction and take the awesome from yourself.” Ryan rested his head on my chest when he was done talking.
We had indeed circled back around to the topic. Or maybe we never left? I was supposed to be like a giant queer lady… That was the takeaway, right? Don’t know what this says about me, but my biggest objection to that at the moment is that my boyfriend is gay, so. Definitely don’t want to be a lady.
I sighed. “I keep thinking, this is my life now,” I told him quietly. “Even though it’s probably not that bad. There was this thing Rose told me about.” Couldn’t quite come up with the word. “Something like white privilege. It’s not good but it seems good if you’re white, it’s confusing. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
“White privilege.” He sat up, putting a hand on my chest.
“Oh, I got it right?” Cool. “Well, okay. Does that mean I’m supposed to get used to people not liking me just because I’m into dudes? That I was lucky to go this long without people judging me based on something I can’t change and didn’t ask for?” Lots of people have to deal with that and maybe they’re all stronger than me.
Ryan listened while trying to take up more space on my bed, pushing me more in the corner.
“Every time I work for something,” I continued. “Every time I care and do my best, someone might come in say, ‘oh, I have a problem with you.’ It’s their problem and I’m the one left scrambling. That really sucks.”
“Yeah.” He scooted up as far as he could go and then used both of his hands to put my head on his chest.
