“Alright, this isn’t on TV, but anything can be a competition if you try hard enough.” Words to live by.
“The space is functional, not fashionable.” Words to not live by.
“Not even up in the loft?”
“You don’t even need to go up there,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “You already fell down from there once.”
“It was old!”
“True, but you’re still you.”
True. “Come on though, we need to do at least one thing, give it our signature.”
That stopped his protests short for a moment, success, but then he shook his head. “You don’t even do that.”
“I know, but just, we should give it Mom’s signature then.” She helped build the old barn. We needed something to remember her by in this one.
Dad softened and nodded. “Yeah, we’ll figure something out.”
As she got sicker, the finishing touches, her stamp on things, there was less and less of that. Which made me sad. Like she was gone even before she was gone. I remember being in a boring hospital room that looked just like the last boring hospital room, with some flowers and cards from other people but nothing from her, nothing that stood out.
More than her getting paler and thinner, more than her spending less time at home and more time in a sick bed, seeing her not even try to put her own spin on things freaked me out the most. She was still there but wasn’t even her anymore. But that wasn’t it at all. She said she didn’t need any of that anymore. She realized that whole thing? She’d already perfected it.
There was never gonna be a better touch of whimsy than me.
She’d looked so tired, but her smile had been bright when she told me that, taking up her whole face.
So, I didn’t get that from her exactly. Sometimes I didn’t have one aspect of originality but 900. Still…
Why am I the way I am? Maybe a few screws lose, maybe some boredom, definitely a healthy dose of ‘fuck it’ mentality but mostly? Mostly the touch of whimsy thing.
Life was more fun when you didn’t know what was coming next, when you didn’t even know what you were going to do. The only way to find out was to live. And when you didn’t let anything hold you back, when you made things up as you went along, that almost made it seem like anything was possible.
* * *
Luke
I did get captain again.
I’m happy about it? I’m not unhappy about it. Actually happy, though? Eh. I’m mixed feelings about it. Maybe I should appreciate it more now that it was almost taken away. It was more complicated. Was this how it was always gonna go? One step forward, two steps back?
It wasn’t all bad. Things didn’t come easy anymore. That meant I had to fight a little harder, but it also ensured I was always improving. When I made captain as a junior, I didn’t have any doubt I’d also be captain senior year. But now I had to stop and think, ensure it was what I really wanted, that I deserved it.
So, like. I didn’t think the hard part was over. That it would be smooth sailing from here on out. However, maybe next time something went wrong, it would go a little smoother because of this whole experience. And I had a bit of time before the next catastrophe. Time to figure out if I was gonna play ball in college. Figure out what came next. And at least the team was stable for now.
Coach said the vote was unanimous. Not sure if it really was. Maybe Ted was right, the team did the right thing in the end. Maybe Zach was right, they just needed to make a token protest. I was captain again. Which meant that Sam and I didn’t have to like each other, but we did have to work together.
“Look, man,” I told him as he exited the weight room while I entered it. “No hard feelings.”
“Whatever,” he said, brushing off the handshake I offered him. Good sportsmanship was important! “This doesn’t change—”
“Nope, it’s over now,” I said firmly, staring him down. “Youreallywanna stay on this? We’ll schedule a time and place, you can scream and yell at me for being a gooddamn queer or something until you go hoarse, but away from school and the rest of the guys.”
Ugh, that would suck, but I didn’t know what else to do if he didn’t get the meaning ofspeak now or forever hold your peace.Which kind of annoyed me but also didn’t because there were lots of things I didn’t get, and it didn’t feel fair to judge someone else for that.
“That’s not necessary,” Sam grumbled after a moment. Small miracles. “We can just avoid each other.”
“Not gonna happen,” I insisted. One, we’d already run into each other without even trying. Also, same team.
