"It’s in your best interest not to piss any of these people off."
"Oh, so now we need a miracle?"
Freedom and having choices were the only way to live life. But choices were also scary as hell. A choice meant you were involved, it meant you wanted something. Because we lived in a free world, there was no guarantee you’d get it. A choice means you care and might get your heart broken if it doesn’t work out.
But maybe a little fear and heartbreak was worth it. Maybe anything was worth the price when it all went right.
Rob was right. There was so much we couldn’t control. Why hold back when actually having the chance to get what you really desired? Maybe I really was crazy for listening to him when the others had such low opinions about the mage, but… he made a lot of sense to me.
~
Max
If my life were a made-for-TV movie, we’d be reaching the end…because the movie was almost over! Not because I was gonna die. Those movies focused on the drama, the ups and downs, and the surprise twin brother that popped up in the last act… the lady in the room next to me was addicted to bad TV movies and couldn’t sleep so we stayed up watching them with the guy across the hall.
Once the action ended and life became normal and happy, the movie ended, but my life was just beginning. And it included many peaceful moments like this.
“Tilt your head,” I instructed. “It wasn’t like that before.”
Lysander brought a hand to his neck. "My neck is sore."
"You have to suffer for art."
“We’re not there yet, Rembrandt.”
Yet he obediently put his hand down and adopted his pose again for me to keep sketching. He sat at a table in the courtyard with the sunlight washing over him. Lysander was my test subject while I fumbled through my next self-assigned art lesson. Drawing people was hard. I considered switching to photography because the beauty in front of me looked nothing like the mess on my canvas.
My practice sketches were far from perfect, so eventually drawing became secondary to just… staring at the likeness in front of me. Appreciating the beauty in the world was surely an important step to capturing that beauty on the page. And I had a free pass to look. For the art.
Even here, I was making progress. I had thought about what Rob said. I had talked to Aaron. I looked at Lysander a thousand times and thought about saying something, starting something, trying to find the courage to ask for more.
When I raised my gaze from my sketchpad to gaze at him, I found him already staring at me
His cheeks colored the most glorious pink for a second when caught, then he coughed and looked away. “Sorry, I was staring. I shouldn’t—sorry.”
"You don’t have to apologize."
He shook his head. “I really do. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or ruin things between us just because…of me.”
“Oh.” I realized something. “You think I don’t like you back?”
"Max, what?" He jumped up before I started waving my hands and making urgent noises so he sat back down and held his position. His eyes cut to me and then darted away just as quickly.
"I like you too," I said. Even though my stomach dropped out and my heart stopped for a moment, saying the words was worth it. Because him knowing was better than thinking he did something wrong or wasn’t worthy of being liked.
"You don’t have to say that.” He shook his head like the words pained him. “You don’t have to, uh… you don’t have to?"
"Like you?” I smiled. “I really do. I’m liking that I like you."
"You are?"
"Yeah,” I said. “It scared me for a while. Sometimes I feel totally clueless and overwhelmed and I hated that. I hated being afraid when freedom is such a gift. It’s something I appreciate so much even if I’m not always sure what to do with it.” I dropped my pencil and gave up on sketching. “But I think stupid therapy may be working."
"Oh really?" His lips curled upward at my grudging tone.
"Yeah. Once I admitted how fucking terrifying freedom is and how I feel like I’m sucking at it, how I’m afraid of disappointing the others who don’t have this chance… Once I gave myself permission to feel it all, a little bit of the stress and worry went away. Because it’s the truth. There’s nothing wrong with the truth, right? It’s hard to get where you’re going and keep moving forward when you don’t know where you’re at now."
I wished I could capture the fondness in Lysander’s eyes. "You sound very wise."
