The tent there still stretched his dark pants and he did his best to cover his erection with his shirt. Then he stepped closer, close enough that I could only see his face and the conviction there.
"Max, there’s only one way you and I are ever having sex."
"Really? I thought—"
"The particulars might vary,” he admitted. “Whatwon’t ever changeis that we’ll both be enthusiastically and completely on board. It’s that or nothing at all.”
That part was easy. My brain, my heart, the thing in my own pants, they all needed him enthusiastically, completely, and a bit desperately. But there was another part I held back.
I hadn’t come to terms with being an angel yet. I didn’t feel like an angel. It felt as real as me being a dragon. So I hadn’t told Lysander. I needed to process and connect with being an angel first.
More than anything, I thought he would understand. He’d already made clear that what upset him most was the thought of this and our feelings getting in the way of my recovery. If I needed to handle this revelation on my own first, he’d support me. Lysander would understand.
So it wasn’t a secret. Only something he didn’t knowyet.
Too bad it still felt like a secret.
20.Lessons in Connection
Max
Frost said our next step would be connecting and communicating how angels were meant to connect. If this worked, I’d soon know exactly what he meant.
We sat outside under a tree. Two guys casually lounging in a way that wasn't casual at all. Not for me, too nervous and fidgeting. And Frost didn’t lounge, his spine ramrod straight. What we were about to do, in public…
“The only thing anyone will see is us sitting here in silence,” Frost assured me. For a guy with a great poker face he certainly could read me like a book.
“So, our bodies will stay here and our minds will… merge into one?” I frowned. “And this won’t harm you? I won’t make you sick too?”
“Our link will be fairly basic. I should be able to prevent harm to either of us. Hopefully I can lend you enough strength to heal yourself.”
Okay then. No pressure. Except for all the pressure.
“There’s no reason to be nervous. Our basic state involves togetherness.” Frost’s soft voice carried an almost musical quality. It would be easy to ignore, yet he always commanded attention and sounded so absolute. “On Heaven, angels grow up connected. We aren’tevertruly alone, always tuned into the chorus of Heaven. We think in terms of us, not I, and becoming more individual is strange to us.”
“I can’t imagine that,” I admitted, feeling like an angelic failure already.
Yet Frost only nodded. “You’ve never been there.”
"Ha, how do you know that if I don’t?"
“The tethers connecting you to our world would be numerous and nearly impossible to hide.” His hand brushed against his chest in an absentminded gesture and it kinda startled me since I’d never seen him make an absentminded motion of any kind before.
“Alright, let’s-let’s…” I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it.
“Merge,” he supplied. “Come together and become one.”
“Don’t say it like that!” I coughed, looking around self-consciously. It sounded much too intimate. “Even at the risk of you giving me the disappointed eyes, does doing this with you mean I’m cheating on Lysander?”
He rolled his eyes. "This isn’t sexual."
"No? Two beings merging and sharing a special kind of closeness? That sounds sexual.”
Lately I’d heard a lot of flowery descriptions about forming a connection with someone trusted and sharing a special kind of intimacy. Aaron, Miss Delores, and my Especially Doomed friends were all checking in and sitting me down for sex talks since I kept growing closer to Lysander. My friend’s advice mostly consisted of horror stories and ‘tips’ to please a man whereas Aaron and the nurse were more practical and also focused on consent and wellbeing.
“Yes, there are sexual ways to connect.” Frost smirked. “And you should stop thinking about them right now or you might fall down a memory you don’t want to see."
I buried my face in my hands. "Oh my god."
