“I think I’d prefer to believe in the fantasy version.”
“Me too,” Jason agreed. “Maybe you should writeabout that.”
“What?”
“Déjà vu—people’s beliefs and experiences.”
“You think people would be interested in reading that?”
“I would.”
“That explains a lot,” Ashley joked.
“I need to tinkle so I’ll leave you to stare at your imaginary girlfriendsome more.”
“It’s not imaginary if they’re a real person, you idiot,” Ashley called. She got the middle finger in return.
Alone with her thoughts, she observed the picture one last time. Her finger hovered over the like button; back and forth across the screen went her thumb indecisively. That was the moment she realised there was more to her feelings than she’d anticipated. The inability to like a photo based solely on some warped idea of how sheshouldact was the icing on the cake. The reality was she wouldn’t have to think about liking it at all if they were purelyjust friends—she knew that.
Truth be told, none of it mattered. She’d already made up her mind and rarely did it change.
21
9months later
Ashley
‘Is it too soon?’
That was the question Ashley had asked herself every day since the beginning of February when she’d purchased the solitaire diamond ring. A whole three months’ wages, that’s what she’d spent, as directed by whoever came up with that stupid rule in the first place. She was thousands of dollars lighter and excruciatingly nervous. It did make her wonder whether she was cut out for such a feat—marriage. It hadn’t ended well for her parents or the other 50% of Americans whose marriage ended in divorce. On the plus side, same-sex marriage had been legalised in the state of New York as of June 24, 2011—so that was one less concern.
The pressure had mounted throughout the winter months. Despite their short-lived romantic relationship, they’d known each other for an extensive period of time—eighteen years to be exact. Madison had been quick to accept Ashley’s girlfriend proposal nine months prior. Since then, they’d been inseparable. The commitment was exactly what she needed; a stable loving partner with whom she could build a future. They wanted all the same things, they had the same morals, the same friendship circle, their families adored one another and most importantly, they lived in the same city and had done since they were kids.
All that being said, she felt uncertainty creep in from time to time. Was the choice to propose solely her own? Or had the pressure of friends and Madison’s childhood dreams of getting married swayed her decision? All Ashley wanted was to make her happy—Madison deserved that. She was kind-hearted and naive to a degree. She needed that someone to sweep her off her feet and promise the rest of their lives. Ashley wanted to be that person for her; she had no doubt about that.Then why the nigglingself-doubt?
She mumbled to herself, “Is ittoo soon?”.
Emily’s ears pricked up. “Is what too soon?”
“Nothing.”
Emily wasn’t aware of the ring or the proposal. On numerous occasions, Ashley had wanted to tell her, but instantly she would tell Jason and then they’d never let it slide. The added pressure would be too much. She accepted that Emily would be angry; she would deal with thatafterwards.
Ashley went down the traditional route of asking for Madison’s hand. She’d gone to the cemetery where her father lay to ask his permission. No thunder cloud appeared above her head and no strike of lightning, so she could only assume he would be happy for them.
The idea of marriage felt like more of an expectation than a desire. She wondered whether anyone else felt the same. There was an unwritten rule that said you will get married, you will have kids, you will have a stable job that contributes nicely towards your retirement fund, you will retire on time and live out the rest of your days playing with your grandkids and reading on your porch. Some people wanted that life—would die for that life—but Ashley questioned whether that was the life for her.That’s natural, she told herself. Such a life-changing event brings out the deep, rumbling concerns we didn’t know existed.
“You’ve been acting weird lately,”Emily said.
“I have not.”
“Yes, you definitely have.”
“How?”
“You’ve been weird and secretive. You’re up to something.” Emily placed her handon her hip.
“I am not up to anything.”
