Paula was right; my wall had previously been filled with newspaper articles from my biggest case wins. They were a reminder of how far I’d come, and probably my justification for working double the hours deemed appropriate for a work/life balance. The praise and gratification were shamefully what fuelled me for the first several years of my career.
In the last two years I’d changed.Heartbreakchanged me. It was a word thrown around with ease, but I had never felt its true power until Brooke left. If my soul were a wall, that event crumbled it into pebble sized pieces in the middle of an old warzone, and there were no signs ofre-building.
I didn’t use the word heartbreak lightly anymore. The tightening in my chest was still there, as a reminder of the breathless pain and the excruciating weight of a love lost. I could break down at any moment, I was living on an emotional edge. Eventually I had to release the hurt, let it go, and let it fade away like a bad dream. I’d lost the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. The loss made me realise love wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
That’s what I wanted to say. Instead I said, “I don’t know. I’m trying to beless...”
It wasn’t often words failed me, but it had been happening a lot lately. It was time fora vacation.
“Career obsessed?”Paula asked.
“No.”
“Superficial?”
I scowled. “No...”
“Narcissistic?”
“No.” I raised my eyebrow. “Wait, what? That’s how you see me? A career obsessed, superficial, narcissistic prick?”
“I never said the prick part.” Paula smirked. “You’re not really those things, well maybe sometimes, but not so much anymore.” Paula grinned and flicked aside her long red fringe as though she hadn’t justinsulted me.
“Good to know.” I did one last sweep of my desk. Everything confidential was dealt with or locked away to be dealt with on my return. “I was going to say, I’m trying to be less tied down by other people’s opinions of me.”
“Huh.” Paula leaned against the doorframe.
“What?” I grabbed my coat from the rack, tucked it between the handles of my briefcase, and I was ready to go. It was July, so a jacket wasn’t necessary, but in true British fashion the weather forecast predicted clouds with a chance of rain between the hours of—pretty much all day.
“I just figured it was... Y’know?” She nodded towards mychest area.
“No, Idon’t know?”
“Y’know...” She waved back and forth with her hand.
“No, I still don’t know.” Her expression changed to one of sympathy, which only meant one thing. “Will you just spit it out?”
“You’ve sort of been a shadow of your former self since Brooke left,” Paulasaid softly.
“That was almost two years ago, Paula.” Not that it mattered, but I’d had to sell it and pretend everything was okay. I didn’t have time to get caught up in my feelings. “It’s a thing of the past.”
It wasn’t, not really. I never spoke about Brooke anymore; it didn’t take much for me to reminisce. A photo on social media often sparked an hour-long stalk of all her social platforms. The toilets in the underground brought back a memory so clear I could taste her lips on mine, and even six months after she’d left, just seeing Ashleigh at reception wearing the same coat Brooke had been so fond of brought a tear to my eye. Thankfully, two years passed, and Ashleigh purchased a new coat. The triggers were everywhere, but with time and numerous sexual partners they had become easier to ignore, but they never disappeared. They lingered unwanted and provoking.
“If you say so.” Paula shrugged. “Anyway, are you excitedfor Japan?”
“I will be once I get on the plane. Walk with me to the elevator?”
Paula grabbed my suitcase and began wheeling it across the hall; it was an amusing sight in six-inch heels.
“Did you schedule an appointment with Mrs. Byker?” I asked.
“Yes. Next Tuesday at 2 p.m.”
Good.
“Has the assailant’s lawyer in the Wilde case gotten back to you with the information weasked for?”
“Yes, got that. I’ll review it this afternoon and arrange a meeting if anythingis unclear.”
