“You can put yourself in danger but not Truman” is what he said.
Then why did he actually let me out of the penthouse, just open the door for me and call the elevator? Kiss me and wish me a good day at work, if he thought I was in danger?
It’s suspicious, right?
I take the pen out of my mouth before I can destroy it.
Totally freaking suspicious.
Number 1.Shadiness is not tolerated.
Number 2.No attractive guys. They’re all self-absorbed.
Number 3.Must have pets. Guys who like animals are a green flag, right?
Number 4.Must be in the nonprofit world.
Number 5.Boring. Extremely boring.
“That’ll do it,” I decide and hit the Meat Market app to find Mr. Right.
“Man, there are a lot of fish in this sea.”
Ernie. Middle-aged. Balding. Has a parrot and likes to bake banana bread.
Score.
He’s excited when I message him.
Ernie:You’re the first girl who’s ever messaged me!!!!
Ernie:I can’t believe it. Kimi and I have been on this app for two years.
He sends me a photo of the bird. It looks like it has a disease.
Good for him for saving that bird. Ernie is a good person.
Jenna:Oh no!
My response sets off a novel’s worth of text messages from Ernie.
Jenna:Maybe we can just save it for the date.
Ernie:A date!
Ernie:I promise I won’t propose to you. I’m not weird like a lot of men out there.
I screenshot it and send it to Hannah.
Hannah rushes over.
“So, you’re dating serial killers now? Yet you’re not going to give McCarthy a shot because why?”
“Ernie is boring and normal.”
“This guy is not normal.”
“He rescues parrots.”
