“They said they’d find a foster family for Buddy and when the social workers found somewhere for me and my brothers to live, I could get him back. I didn’t want to let him go,” I tell Jenna desperately. “You know, but the lady seemed nice. She promised.” I need her to understand.
“The social worker with the Haven Foundation, she promised Salinger that we all wouldn’t get split up. But we were. They took my brothers away and said we couldn’t see each other. That is until me and my two younger brothers acted so goddamn awful to our foster parents. We went through five of them in two months. It was a record. Then they finally dumped us at the group home with our older brothers. The guy running the group home we landed in saidI could bring my dog, but when I went back, he was gone. They took my dog.”
“Took him where?”
“I don’t know!” Jenna flinches when I yell.
“I don’t know,” I say quietly. “But when I went back to get him, they laughed at me and said I couldn’t have him back. I didn’t have paperwork or anything, but he was my dog. He’s mine. And they took him.” I force out the words through clenched teeth.
“I have nightmares of him looking for me.” My breath is coming fast through my nose. “When I got out of the air force, I finally had some power, and I tore through the city, looking for him. I never found him. So I destroyed the Haven Foundation and everything in a five-block radius and built this. I searched through all the records, but I think they just gave him away off the books.”
I stare out the dark window into the city. “It’s been almost fifteen years, so he’s gone. Dead. You know. Dogs. We don’t deserve them.” I sit there, slumped over next to her.
Beside me, Jenna weeps.
“Why are you crying?” I finally say, staring down at the floor between my knees.
“Because it’s sad,” she warbles.
“Don’t cry over me. I’m not worth it, if we’re being honest.” I shrug one shoulder, feel her hand in my hair. “I failed, Jenna. Fucking… just failed. You have no idea what it’s like. You try so hard then fail.”
“I have three failed engagements and a dad who never cared. It’s not the exact same thing, but the breaks in my heart aren’t completely different from yours.”
I won’t look at her.
She turns my face gently. Her eyes are glossy. She kisses me hesitantly, tenderly.
My heart, my soul are vulnerable and raw beneath her. I cling to her like a drowning man. She kisses me softly, like she cares about me, like she loves me.
I’m completely fucking addicted to her—obsessed, unwound, stunned by her.
How have I never…
I take a ragged breath. “And that’s my villain origin story.”
“You’re not evil, McCarthy. You’re just mean.”
I don’t wantto sleep with her, which is strange. Instead, I want to curl up next to Jenna in bed, let her pet my hair, hear her tell me she adores me.
I don’t deserve that. So I sit outside. The air is wet and clammy.
I dial my brother just to hear his voice.
“McCarthy, what—”
I hang up.
He calls back. Salinger always calls back.
“McCarthy, what is it?”
I don’t answer.
“McCarthy, can you hear me?”
“Yeah,” I finally say.
“What?”
