I scowl at her. “This isn’t me asking you to marry me, Cupcake. I’ll do better than that when I ask you to be my bride.”
“No!” Jenna squeaks. “Engage me now! Where are the rings?” She pats around on the bed.
I jerk back when a chicken appears out of the covers and gives me the evil eye.
“Jenna…” I point.
“No.”
The chicken is making a weird hacking noise.
“I didn’t want to bring it up because I know how you are about nice things, but that was averyexpensive diamond ring.”
“Edwina.” Jenna shakes her head. “It will make its way through,” she tells herself. “It’s the circle of life.”
“You don’t sound like a girl who’s grown up on a farm.”
“Our farm is a hobby farm at best.”
“I don’t know. That was a hell of a zucchini crop.”
I peer at the bird. “I have a knife in my boot. I can get that ring out and make you a pretty decent roast chicken.”
“Edwina is a family member. I can be patient.”
“Oookay.”
“It’s for the best that we’re holding off. I have to go shove garlic, crystals, and other bits and bobs up my snatch this weekend.”
“Cupcake…”
“In the middle of nowhere,” she adds.
“It’s going to be cold.”
“Great. It’s a nudie retreat.” She waits a beat. “Aren’t you going to offer to send me and my mom on a fancy all-expenses-paid retreat to Sri Lanka or something?”
“I respect you too much to offer that.”
“Right.” She sighs, looking up at the leaky ceiling. Water drips onto her nose.
“Can I at least please take you back to my penthouse before we all get bird flu?”
“You know what?” She throws back the covers. “Yes. Yes, I will trade sex for a place to stay. Come on, Edwina. We need to get that ring out.”
There are voices out through the curtain that leads to the kitchen.
“Yeah, we have to get out of here.”
Truman and Buddy are playing a slow game of chase, and they bound into Jenna’s bedroom, barking and scattering the chickens.
“No, no, no! Edwina!Edwina!” Jenna screams, chasing after the dogs and Edwina, who has made a break for freedom through the sliding door that was left open a crack.
“Jenna.” I curse then curse again as several wrinkled faces appear in the doorway.
Granny Mavis looks me up and down appreciatively. “You coming to the nude bachelorette retreat?”
“No!” Jenna yells from outside. “Stop flirting with my almost-fiancé and help me catch this bird.”
