The old woman is working the flamethrower hose while Crocus and Rainbow try to keep her planted and Granny Mavis calls out expletive-laced instructions.
“Stop it! You can’t burn down his house!” I screech, running over toward them.
“Revenge is best served boiling hot!”
“I’m not going to jail,” I yell.
“I am! They can take me alive, but I’ll never talk.” Granny Mavis salutes the burning yard while I hastily gather up the garden hose and frantically pump the spray nozzle.
“I just bought this thing! Why isn’t it working?”
“Burn, baby!”
Inside the house, the smoke alarm goes off.
“Abort, abort!” Granny Mavis shouts.
Arm up to shield his face, McCarthy kicks down the glass kitchen door. The flames are raging, and he grabs the fire extinguisher—which Nathan bitched was too big—and sprays it on the flames licking the side of the house.
The vinyl siding is a little melted, but otherwise, the house looks okay.
“Cupcake.” McCarthy tosses the fire extinguisher on the ground. “What the fuck?”
“Once again,” I hiss at him, “I did not ask for your help.”
“And once again, you’re clearly in over your head. I mean, you asked the senior citizen arson brigade to help you instead of just sitting at home, putting your feet up, and letting me handle it,” he says.
“Handle it how? You won’t even say.”
His partner gives him a pointed look.
McCarthy’s lips thin. “Fixing your problem.”
The dark-haired man draws a hand across his throat.
“McCarthy! That is not in the ten-step plan.”
McCarthy grabs the back of my neck and spins me around. “I’m the problem here? You don’t think someone’s going to notice the ass-naked senior citizens wandering around the neighborhood?”
“I don’t need you to judge me.”
“Just admit you need my help, Cupcake,” he croons. “I can make all this go away.”
Granny Mavis is having Rainbow shoot what’s left of the flamethrower at the TNT she’s pulled out of her bag.
I spray her with the hose.
“Now, missy, this is America, god dang it! I can blow up my great-granddaughter’s cheating ex if I want to.”
“I can make it all go away. You don’t even have to lift a finger.” McCarthy gives me a knowing look.
It’s tempting…
“Just get on your knees, and beg me,” McCarthy whispers.
I spray him with the hose.
“Man, that was a hell of a mission!”Granny Mavis crows as we wait, leaning against Cher and drinking while the old ferry operator siphons gas so he can run the death trap of a boat.
