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y baby and I’ll kill you,’ he growled, echoing her words from the day before.
‘I’m sorry,’ she gasped. ‘I just woke up and realised I hadn’t heard him all night. I thought something was wrong. Then he wasn’t in the crib and I—’ She stopped to draw breath, conscious of the look on Dan’s face. ‘What? What is it?’
The coldness of the wooden floor was starting to seep through her toes and up her legs, making goosebumps erupt on her skin—her woefully exposed skin.
‘Oh!’ She lifted her arms across her breasts. Some body reactions weren’t for public view.
Dan had been right about her other nightwear. Her tiny satin nightie covered her bum and not much more. Last night she’d been wearing her dressing gown—her eternal protection—and hadn’t removed it until she’d climbed into bed. The power had come back on and the temperature in the apartment was warmer than usual, both having agreed that due to the lack of appropriate clothing for Abraham they needed to raise the temperature slightly. So she couldn’t have bundled up in her usual fleece pyjamas—not without melting completely—and Dan would never see her in her nightie anyway, would he? Until now.
The cold floor had the ultimate effect on her body. Her nipples were firmly pressed into the sides of her arms across her chest. They had obviously been the feature that had caught his attention.
‘Give me a second,’ she blurted as she made a run for the bedroom and the sanctity of her dressing gown. Too late she realised how much her slight nightie must have flapped around her behind, leaving little to the imagination.
She emerged a few minutes later, trying not to look completely flustered.
‘I’ll make breakfast this morning,’ she said brightly. ‘It was American yesterday—you made pancakes. So I think it will be tea, toast and marmalade this morning.’
Dan couldn’t wipe the smile off his face, even though she was trying desperately to change the earlier subject. He shook his head. ‘I sense distraction techniques, Carrie McKenzie. But since I’m a gentleman with an empty stomach I’ll let it go. As for toast and marmalade? No, you don’t. You sabotaged the pancakes with your butter and jam. And don’t even think about making me tea after the night I’ve had. I need coffee. With at least three shots.’
Guilt surged through her and she sat down next to him. She was safe now; she was completely covered. ‘Was Abraham really bad last night? I’m so sorry. I never heard a thing.’
‘I noticed.’ He shook his head and gave her a weary smile. ‘If I’d needed you, Carrie, I would have woken you up. But it was fine.’ He paused. ‘Well, actually, it wasn’t fine, but I closed the door so you wouldn’t hear. I figured this was hard enough for you and a night with no sleep wouldn’t help.’
She was stunned.
It was no secret she hadn’t managed to hide things from Dan. He’d already asked her on more than one occasion what was wrong and she hadn’t responded. Because she didn’t feel ready to.
It had only been a few days. And she didn’t know him that well—not really. But Dan had taken actions last night to make sure she had some respite. He was reading her better than she could have ever thought. Was it the cop instincts? Did he just know when to push and when to back off?
Did they even teach things like that in cop school? Or was he just good at reading her? At sensing when things were tough and she needed to step back. She wasn’t ready to share. Or was she?
Her friends back home all knew about the stillbirth. And they either tiptoed around her or tried to make her talk. Neither way worked for her.
She needed to talk when she was ready. Not when they were ready.
Maybe it would be easier to share with someone from outside her circle of friends. Someone who could be impartial and not try to hit her with a whole host of advice about what to do and how she should feel.
Dan was the first guy to cause her stomach to flutter in a whole year. She’d thought that part of her had died. And nothing would cause it to wake up again. But the close proximity was definitely a factor. How much of a risk would it be to tell him, to trust him?
Looking at the snow outside, they could be here for at least another whole day. The flickering TV in the corner of the room still had the yellow strip running across the news report, telling about more snowfall and more people cut off from their family and friends. ‘I see there’s going to be more snow.’ She nodded at the TV.
He sighed. ‘Yeah.’ He shrugged his shoulders as his eyes met hers. ‘Seems like we’re not going anywhere fast.’
‘At least the electric shower will be working. And the kettle and hob. I’ll be able to sterilise things and make some more bottles for Abraham.’ The practical things. The things that always came into her brain first.
But there was something else there. Something else drumming away inside her head.
They were stuck here. For at least another day.
Another day with delectable Dan.
Another day with a baby. Could she cope? Could she do this again?
It was as if something happened inside. A little flare sparked inside her brain. This was it. This was her chance.
If only she had the courage.
She held out her hands towards Abraham. Would Dan notice they were trembling? ‘May I?’
He nodded and handed over the half-sleeping babe to her. Abraham didn’t seem to mind who was holding him. He snuggled instantly into her shoulder, obviously preferring the upright position.
There was a loud splurging noise, closely followed by a smell creeping around the apartment. Carrie wrinkled her nose. ‘Oh, Abraham. How could you?’
Her hand felt along his back and came into contact with a little splurge at the side of the nappy and halfway up his back. She let out a sigh and set him down in the crib.
‘I guess it’s going to be a bath for you, little sir.’
‘How are we going to manage that? We don’t have a baby bath.’
Carrie walked over to the deep kitchen sink. ‘We’ll improvise. This is the best we’ve got. Don’t you remember ever getting bathed in the kitchen sink as a child?’
He shook his head. ‘Can’t say that I do. Is it an English tradition?’
Carrie had started to scrub the sink within an inch of her life. ‘I guess it must be, then. My gran’s got some pictures of me sitting bare naked in her kitchen sink. I thought everyone did that.’
She filled the sink with some tepid water and baby bubble bath before testing the temperature. She stripped Abraham’s clothes and put them in a bucket of cold water to soak. Dan wrinkled his nose. ‘I’m going to wash these? Really? Wouldn’t it be better just putting them in the garbage?’
Carrie shook her head. ‘We don’t have that luxury, Dan. We only have a few things that fit him. They’ll just need to be soaked and then boil washed.’
Dan lifted the bucket and headed down to the laundry. ‘Be back in five,’ he said.
Carrie lifted Abraham from the towel he was squirming on. ‘Let’s see if we can get this all off you,’ she said as she gently lowered him into the warm water.
The expression on his face was priceless. First he squirmed. Then he let out a little yelp of dismay. It only lasted for a few seconds before the shock of being cold disappeared and his little body picked up the surrounding warm water. He gave a little shudder. Then started to kick his legs.
She smiled. His first baby bath.
Her first baby bath. And it was just the two of them.
There was something about it that was so nice. She knew this should be a moment that he shared with his mother. But it was almost as if this were meant to be. She watched as his little legs stretched out and kicked in the water in the sink. She lapped the water over his stomach and chest. He let out a range of little noises. If she didn’t know better she could imagine he was almost smiling.
Some babies screamed when they hit the bathwater, hating being stripped of their warm cocoonlike clothes. But not Abraham. He seemed to relish it, enjoying kicking his legs in the water.
She lifted some cotton wool balls, being careful to make sure he was entirely clean. Turning his position slightly, so she could make sure there was nothing left on his back.
That was when it happened.
That was when he gave a little judder.
She knew instinctively something was wrong. She turned him over, her hands struggling to hold his slippery body as she panicked. He was pale. Deathly pale. Almost as if he was holding his breath.
No. No!
She let out a scream. She couldn’t help it. The whole world had just started to close in all around her. She grabbed him beneath the arms and thrust the dripping baby into Dan’s arms as he strode back through the door.
‘Carrie, what’s wrong?’
She couldn’t stop. She couldn’t breathe. Her feet carried her outside the apartment door and out onto the steps. The cold snow-covered steps where she’d found him. As soon as she reached the cold air it was as if her legs gave way and she collapsed down onto the steps, struggling to catch her breath.
There were tiny little black spots around her vision. She put her head between her legs and told herself to breathe slowly. But nothing could stop the clamouring in her chest.
That sight. That pale little body. That still little chest. It had been too much for her. That momentary second of panic had made her head spin. No one should have to go through that twice in their life.
No one was meant to experience that again.
Breathe. In through her nose, out through her mouth. And again. Breathe. In through her nose and out through her mouth.
She tried to get control. Her senses were picking up something else. A noise. A background noise. A baby crying.
Then she started to sob. Uncontrollably sob. Abraham was fine. She knew that. She’d panicked. If she’d stopped to think—even for a moment—she would have realised he’d only been holding his breath for a second. But she couldn’t. She didn’t possess those rational kinds of thoughts any more. And she doubted she ever would.
