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She hadn’t meant for this to happen. She was getting too close. She was feeling too much.
A few extra tears slid down her cheeks. She had to get a hold of herself.
But it wasn’t how he felt about her that was hardest. It was how she felt about him, and Riley.
For her, they were a perfect combination at a completely imperfect time. A guy who made her heart beat quicker with just one glance, and a little boy with so much love to give.
Her heart ached. She just wasn’t ready for this. Not right now.
There was a gentle knock at the door. It startled her and she took a few deep breaths, pushing her hair back from her face and wiping her eyes before she pulled it open.
Riley looked exhausted. He was still wearing his pale blue scrubs from work. They were rumpled and had a number of stains that she really didn’t want to question.
‘How’s Finn?’ He almost pushed past her in his rush to get through the door.
She shook her head and stepped completely aside. ‘He’s fine. He’s just tired.’ She pointed towards the sofa. She hesitated for a second. ‘He had some dinner and he’s sleeping now. But he was a little upset earlier.’
‘He was? Is he sick?’
Riley turned towards her and she could instantly see his panic. She held up her hand in front of him. ‘No, he’s not sick. His pupils are equal and reactive. I gave him some kiddie paracetamol that I bought at the pharmacy. Yes, he felt a bit queasy for a while, but was fine after I’d fed him.’ She took a deep breath. She was being automatically defensive because she wasn’t that experienced with kids. Looking after kids with cystic fibrosis had been a whole different ball game. But she could imagine how Riley must have felt, thinking there was something wrong with Finn and he couldn’t get there.
He crossed the room in a few strides and knelt down in front of the sofa. She watched as he gently stroked Finn’s hair and whispered to him. ‘Hey, buddy, sorry I was so long. I’ve missed you.’
The truth of every word that he said was etched on his face, and she turned away as tears sprang to her eyes.
This guy was doing crazy things to her heart. His love. His connection to his child. That overwhelming parental urge that she’d never felt—and would never feel.
Or would she? When she’d seen Riley’s name on the phone screen today her heart had been in her mouth. She’d been immediately worried about Finn. Seeing him, and knowing he was okay, had relieved her concerns instantly. Spending time with him this afternoon had been a pleasure—even though he’d been a little cranky.
His every move, every gesture had reminded her of Riley. Being with Finn today had made her realise that even though she’d made her decision about the future she still had the ability to love a child as if it were her own.
That had almost seemed like something so far out of her reach she hadn’t even thought about it that much.
She’d been focused on making the decision and getting her surgery out of the way before she gave herself a chance to regroup and think about what the future might hold.
But the guy who was currently leaning forward, showing every element of being a doting dad, was wrapping her emotions up in knots and her interaction with Finn earlier had exposed her to some overwhelming feelings.
After a minute he came over and stood next to her. ‘What happened?’
She sucked in a breath. All of a sudden she didn’t really want to tell him. He was Finn’s father. He had a right to know his child had been upset. But she couldn’t quite extricate her own feelings from all of this. Not without revealing them to Riley.
She gave her head a shake. ‘He misses his mum. He heard a woman outside call his name—her son must be called Finn too. For a few seconds I think he thought it was his mum and he got upset and was crying.’
Riley ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. On top of the exhaustion that was already there, he almost looked broken. ‘How do I deal with this, April? What do I do?’
She gulped at the pleading tone to his words. She wanted to wrap her hands around his neck and pull him close.
This was a conversation she couldn’t have. She just couldn’t.
Not the way she felt right now. He had no idea what she was preparing herself for. She turned and walked into the kitchen. She had to try to distance herself from this. She couldn’t let Finn see her as some sort of mother figure. She couldn’t let this potential relationship with Riley develop any further.
She kept her voice steady as she flicked on the kettle. ‘You just be his dad, Riley. That’s all you can do.’
She looked at the pained expression on his face and the sag of his shoulders. She’d never seen him look so tired. It was time to try to change the subject. ‘What happened?’ she asked.
He paused for a second and gave her a quizzical glance. She could almost see the words forming on his lips to ask her why she was pulling away, but in the end he gave a brief shake of his head. ‘There was another RTA at another part of town. Turned out A&E also have a sickness bug. I had to travel with one of the patients in the ambulance. When I got there...’ He let his voice trail off.
She nodded. ‘You couldn’t leave. You had to stay and help.’
He sighed. ‘I’m a doctor; what else could I do? They didn’t have enough staff to deal with two major RTAs. By the time I could hitch a lift back to the scene of the accident to pick up my car half the day had just gone. I’m sorry, April.’
She put her hand on his arm. ‘It’s fine. Really.’
He wrinkled his nose and squinted back at Finn. ‘What is he wearing?’
April shrugged. ‘He couldn’t lie around in his school uniform. I gave him a T-shirt to wear. He picked it. It’s a superhero one. He said it was better than the one with pink sequins.’
They’d laughed about it. Finn had been impressed with her variety of superhero T-shirts. He’d been even more impressed by her collection of superhero socks, especially when she’d whispered, ‘I think these are mostly for boys. But girls need superheroes too. And I always have cold feet. So I need lots of socks.’
Riley smiled, shook his head and followed her into the kitchen. He looked around. ‘Nice flat. Have you lived here long?’
She shook her head. ‘Just since I took the job at Waterloo Court.’ She held up her hands in the glossy black kitchen. ‘It was brand new when I bought it, and alrea
dy finished, so I didn’t have much say. Hence, the wooden floors throughout and the black kitchen.’ She shrugged. ‘I think they do up most new places the same these days. White walls, white bathrooms and very little personality.’
He pointed towards a large cardboard box tucked in the corner of the kitchen. ‘What’s that?’
She lifted a cup out of the cupboard. ‘Oh, that’s the Christmas tree. I just pulled it down from the loft last night. I have a little loft space because I’m the top floor flat. It’s good. I’m secretly a hoarder, so I can hide all my junk up there.’
Riley stood up and lifted the edge of the cardboard box. His eyebrows shot up. ‘A black Christmas tree? I thought you loved Christmas? This seems kinda weird.’
She smiled. ‘Yeah, well. It fitted with the flat. It has purple baubles, though. I’m sure Finn will approve.’ She wagged her finger. ‘And, believe me, you have no idea just how many other Christmas decorations I actually have. Now, tea or coffee?’ She held up both in her hands.
‘What, no wine?’
She shook her head. ‘Not on a school night. It seems like there’s no dinner either. I bought something for Finn but forgot about myself. I can make you chicken nuggets if you want? Or cheese on toast.’
Riley let out a groan. ‘Coffee, please. Just black since you don’t have a fancy cappuccino maker. And I’d kill for some cheese on toast.’
She smiled as she opened the grill. ‘I’m glad you appreciate my cooking talents.’
It only took a few minutes to start toasting the bread under the grill and to grate some cheese. Riley nursed his coffee as he watched.
‘How was the accident? Was everyone okay?’
He sighed. ‘Hopefully, yes. There was an elderly couple. The man has a broken tibia and fibula. He was pinned in the car and I waited until the fire brigade could cut him out. He was unconscious while I was there, but came around when he got transferred into the ambulance. The woman had a pneumothorax and a fractured tib and fib too. She needed a chest tube when she reached A&E and then had to go to emergency theatre. It took about three hours for the anaesthetist to agree to take her. The other two were a father and son. The little boy was unharmed and the father just had a head lac, and some burns from the airbag.’
